1.
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a bared beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had melons bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “units” than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.
“Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother,
“Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
One evening a husband and wife
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a bared beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had melons bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “units” than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.
“Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother,
“Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
One evening a husband and wife
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
2.
A hunter ventures into the forest to hunt a bear, armed with his trusty 22-gauge rifle.
After some time, he spots an enormous bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, but the bear has vanished.
Moments later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two options: I can tear out your throat and eat you, or you can drop your pants, bend over, and I’ll do as I please.”
The hunter, fearing death, drops his pants and bends over, allowing the bear to do as he said.
Once the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his pants and hobbles back into town, bow-legged and furious.
He purchases a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He spots the same bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, and the bear is gone.
The bear taps the hunter on the shoulder once more and says, “You know the drill.”
Humiliated, the hunter pulls up his pants, drags himself back to town, and buys a bazooka.
Now seething with rage, he returns to the forest, spots the bear, aims, and fires.
The blast from the bazooka sends him sprawling onto his back.
As the smoke clears, the bear looms over him and says, “This isn’t really about hunting for you, is it?”
Two blondes were working on a house
A woman phoned her dentist
A hunter ventures into the forest to hunt a bear, armed with his trusty 22-gauge rifle.
After some time, he spots an enormous bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, but the bear has vanished.
Moments later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two options: I can tear out your throat and eat you, or you can drop your pants, bend over, and I’ll do as I please.”
The hunter, fearing death, drops his pants and bends over, allowing the bear to do as he said.
Once the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his pants and hobbles back into town, bow-legged and furious.
He purchases a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He spots the same bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, and the bear is gone.
The bear taps the hunter on the shoulder once more and says, “You know the drill.”
Humiliated, the hunter pulls up his pants, drags himself back to town, and buys a bazooka.
Now seething with rage, he returns to the forest, spots the bear, aims, and fires.
The blast from the bazooka sends him sprawling onto his back.
As the smoke clears, the bear looms over him and says, “This isn’t really about hunting for you, is it?”
Two blondes were working on a house
A woman phoned her dentist
3.
Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches.
The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.
He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener.
Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food.
So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless.
“I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. “NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”
Five more days pass, Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.
“Just for that, I’m not going!”
A elderly couple were killed in an accident
The little boy had been looking
Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches.
The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.
He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener.
Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food.
So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless.
“I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. “NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”
Five more days pass, Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.
“Just for that, I’m not going!”
A elderly couple were killed in an accident
The little boy had been looking
4.
They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.
Fred asks Harold, “Are you still going to that memory clinic?”
Harold says, “Yes, it’s been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session.”
“What do they do there?”, asks Fred.
“They teach us to remember things through word association”, replies Harold.
Fred says, “I might have to give it a try, what’s the name of the clinic?”
Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember.
He says, “Umm, ahh, hang on… um… what’s the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?”
Fred says, “That’d be a rose, Harold.”
Harold turns to his wife and says, Rose!, what’s the name of that clinic I go to?
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
A guard dog
They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.
Fred asks Harold, “Are you still going to that memory clinic?”
Harold says, “Yes, it’s been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session.”
“What do they do there?”, asks Fred.
“They teach us to remember things through word association”, replies Harold.
Fred says, “I might have to give it a try, what’s the name of the clinic?”
Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember.
He says, “Umm, ahh, hang on… um… what’s the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?”
Fred says, “That’d be a rose, Harold.”
Harold turns to his wife and says, Rose!, what’s the name of that clinic I go to?
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
A guard dog
5.
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”
This fisherman goes to the river
Two hunters went moose hunting
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”
This fisherman goes to the river
Two hunters went moose hunting
6.
This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns.
He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.
An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”.
The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”.
“Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.
The strong young man
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic
This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns.
He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.
An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”.
The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”.
“Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.
The strong young man
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic
7.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought, he takes off after her a few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens on the fifth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, nice woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: “If you catch me you can have me.”
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it’s definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone – “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies,”I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read:
“I’m Ronald If I catch you, you’re mine…”
A Little Old Lady Who Wanted A Parrot
Two well-dressed ladies
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought, he takes off after her a few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens on the fifth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, nice woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: “If you catch me you can have me.”
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it’s definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone – “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies,”I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read:
“I’m Ronald If I catch you, you’re mine…”
A Little Old Lady Who Wanted A Parrot
Two well-dressed ladies
8.
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . “
Two hunters went moose hunting
Two guys were sitting outside
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . “
Two hunters went moose hunting
Two guys were sitting outside
9.
An old lady comes in for her medical check-up:
“Doctor Ribbit, you remember how you warned me that I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as I can?”
“Yes,” agrees the doctor,
“the last X-rays made that very clear Mrs. Jenkins.”
“You know, I’m not sure it was such a great idea doctor… I have to say all that climbing up and down the rainwater down pipe is becoming quite hard!”
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
A man is playing with a stray dog
An old lady comes in for her medical check-up:
“Doctor Ribbit, you remember how you warned me that I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as I can?”
“Yes,” agrees the doctor,
“the last X-rays made that very clear Mrs. Jenkins.”
“You know, I’m not sure it was such a great idea doctor… I have to say all that climbing up and down the rainwater down pipe is becoming quite hard!”
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
A man is playing with a stray dog
10.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He has two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that.
Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart.
He empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A blonde was driving down
The doctor says george everything looks great
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He has two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that.
Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart.
He empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A blonde was driving down
The doctor says george everything looks great
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11.
Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for.
As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.”
Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.
“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.
“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”
“A fish, perhaps?”
“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”
Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”
The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”
Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”
The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…”
Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”
The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
Three men pass away on Christmas Day
Two men are out just fishing quietly
Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for.
As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.”
Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.
“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.
“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”
“A fish, perhaps?”
“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”
Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”
The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”
Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”
The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…”
Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”
The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
Three men pass away on Christmas Day
Two men are out just fishing quietly
12.
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasn’t there.
She puts on her robe and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter Dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of the night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words aren’t coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us having lovemaking in the back seat of the car?”
“Yes,I remember.” she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter, or I’ll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison.”
“I remember that too.” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasn’t there.
She puts on her robe and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter Dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of the night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words aren’t coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us having lovemaking in the back seat of the car?”
“Yes,I remember.” she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter, or I’ll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison.”
“I remember that too.” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
13.
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons choice of words, so tells him this
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.
“MUM,” the boy yells at the top of his voice, “I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!”
Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son’s language in front of her guests and scolds the young boy
“Quentin, we do NOT shout that word in this house! Next time, just whisper, okay?”
The little boy nods sheepishly
His mum takes him to the bathroom and tucks him back into bed.
The next night, little Quentin is busting to go to the toilet again.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his mother, having a glass of wine with her friends.
“Mum! I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”
Mum excuses herself and takes Quentin to the bathroom, smiling at her son’s innocent mistake, but relieved that he was at least more discreet than last time
She takes Quentin back upstairs and tucks him into bed
“Well done, sweetie,” she says, kissing him goodnight, “that was much more polite.”
A few nights go by, and lo and behold, the little boy is busting to go to the toilet again.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his dad watching TV.
“Dad!”, Quentin says softly, “I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”
“Aw, is that so, little buddy?” says dad, his eyes fixed on the television
“Come on over here and whisper in daddy’s ear.”
65-year-old woman has a baby
There lived a peasant with his son
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons choice of words, so tells him this
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.
“MUM,” the boy yells at the top of his voice, “I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!”
Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son’s language in front of her guests and scolds the young boy
“Quentin, we do NOT shout that word in this house! Next time, just whisper, okay?”
The little boy nods sheepishly
His mum takes him to the bathroom and tucks him back into bed.
The next night, little Quentin is busting to go to the toilet again.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his mother, having a glass of wine with her friends.
“Mum! I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”
Mum excuses herself and takes Quentin to the bathroom, smiling at her son’s innocent mistake, but relieved that he was at least more discreet than last time
She takes Quentin back upstairs and tucks him into bed
“Well done, sweetie,” she says, kissing him goodnight, “that was much more polite.”
A few nights go by, and lo and behold, the little boy is busting to go to the toilet again.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his dad watching TV.
“Dad!”, Quentin says softly, “I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”
“Aw, is that so, little buddy?” says dad, his eyes fixed on the television
“Come on over here and whisper in daddy’s ear.”
65-year-old woman has a baby
There lived a peasant with his son
14.
A young man came to an old man of wisdom.
You are very old and clever.
Help me, please. Tell me how I should overcome my fear.
I am afraid of one thing in my life. I am afraid to die alone. What should I do?
In a minute of silence, the old man of wisdom replied:
You should become a pilot or a bus driver.
The alcoholic came to the yoga school
A young pot head starts to smoke
A young man came to an old man of wisdom.
You are very old and clever.
Help me, please. Tell me how I should overcome my fear.
I am afraid of one thing in my life. I am afraid to die alone. What should I do?
In a minute of silence, the old man of wisdom replied:
You should become a pilot or a bus driver.
The alcoholic came to the yoga school
A young pot head starts to smoke
15.
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Two man were sitting in a bar
A little guy gets on a plane
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Two man were sitting in a bar
A little guy gets on a plane
16.
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
A woman announces to her friend
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
A woman announces to her friend
17.
A man walked into a local pharmacy while laughing hysterically.
He asked for two rubber pack and still laughing, paid the pharmacist and walked out.
The pharmacist was intrigued and curious about this odd behavior. But didn’t give it too much thought. However, the next day it happened again.
The same man walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
The pharmacist remembered the day before and started to wonder what was up but not for too long because he had work to do.
But again, the next day the same guy walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
Now the pharmacist was perplexed and eager to know that was going on with this guy. So he ordered his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he was going, should he return.
Wouldn’t you know it. The same guy came back again the following day laughing hysterically. He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacist and walked out laughing.
The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later.
“Well,” asked the pharmacist, “where did he go?”
“STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE.”
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
A woman went to a pet shop
A man walked into a local pharmacy while laughing hysterically.
He asked for two rubber pack and still laughing, paid the pharmacist and walked out.
The pharmacist was intrigued and curious about this odd behavior. But didn’t give it too much thought. However, the next day it happened again.
The same man walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
The pharmacist remembered the day before and started to wonder what was up but not for too long because he had work to do.
But again, the next day the same guy walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
Now the pharmacist was perplexed and eager to know that was going on with this guy. So he ordered his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he was going, should he return.
Wouldn’t you know it. The same guy came back again the following day laughing hysterically. He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacist and walked out laughing.
The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later.
“Well,” asked the pharmacist, “where did he go?”
“STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE.”
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
A woman went to a pet shop
18.
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
19.
Let us enjoy reading this story of A Wise Counting.
Emperor Akbar was in the habit of putting riddles and puzzles to his courtiers.
He often asked questions which were strange and witty.
It took much wisdom to answer these questions.
Once he asked a very strange question.
The courtiers were dumb folded by his question.
Akbar glanced at his courtiers as he looked, one by one the heads began to hang low in search of an answer.
It was at this moment that Birbal entered the courtyard.
Birbal who knew the nature of the emperor quickly grasped the situation and asked, “May I know the question so that I can try for an answer”.
Akbar said, “How many crows are there in this city?”
Without even a moment’s thought, Birbal replied “There are fifty thousand five hundred and eighty nine crows, my lord”.
“How can you be so sure?” asked Akbar.
Birbal said, “Make you men count, My lord if you find more crows it means some have come to visit their relatives here.
If you find less number of crows it means some have gone to visit their relatives elsewhere”.
Akbar was pleased very much by Birbal’s wit.
Daddy got so few hairs on his head
A man was called in for an audit
Let us enjoy reading this story of A Wise Counting.
Emperor Akbar was in the habit of putting riddles and puzzles to his courtiers.
He often asked questions which were strange and witty.
It took much wisdom to answer these questions.
Once he asked a very strange question.
The courtiers were dumb folded by his question.
Akbar glanced at his courtiers as he looked, one by one the heads began to hang low in search of an answer.
It was at this moment that Birbal entered the courtyard.
Birbal who knew the nature of the emperor quickly grasped the situation and asked, “May I know the question so that I can try for an answer”.
Akbar said, “How many crows are there in this city?”
Without even a moment’s thought, Birbal replied “There are fifty thousand five hundred and eighty nine crows, my lord”.
“How can you be so sure?” asked Akbar.
Birbal said, “Make you men count, My lord if you find more crows it means some have come to visit their relatives here.
If you find less number of crows it means some have gone to visit their relatives elsewhere”.
Akbar was pleased very much by Birbal’s wit.
Daddy got so few hairs on his head
A man was called in for an audit
20.
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.
“Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, “Nope.”
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger’s legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells,
“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”
The old man mutters, “Ain’t my dog.”
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob
A man walks into a bar one night
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.
“Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, “Nope.”
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger’s legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells,
“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”
The old man mutters, “Ain’t my dog.”
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob
A man walks into a bar one night
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21.
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
A man walks into the barber shop
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
A man walks into the barber shop
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
22.
A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a genie emerges.
The genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.’
A mug of beer appears in his hand.
He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The guy is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, ‘And what about your other two wishes?’
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Give me two more just like this one!’
Two women came before wise King Solomon
The man looked a little worried when the doctor
A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a genie emerges.
The genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.’
A mug of beer appears in his hand.
He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The guy is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, ‘And what about your other two wishes?’
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Give me two more just like this one!’
Two women came before wise King Solomon
The man looked a little worried when the doctor
23.
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”
The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
A blonde went to the hospital
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”
The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
A blonde went to the hospital
24.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
25.
A poor boy was in love with a rich man’s daughter overcome with his love for the girl, the boy proposed to her.
However, the rich girl derisively rejected him and said, “Your monthly salary is equivalent to my daily expenses how do you expect me to marry someone like you? I can never love you so forget about me go find and marry someone else of your level.”
Despite being rejected so hurtfully, for some reason, the boy could not forget her so easily roughly 10 years later, they accidentally ran into each other in a shopping mall.
She immediately recognized the man and said, “Hey, how are you? I’m now married to a very smart man, and his salary is $15,700 per month! Can you beat that?”
The man, hearing those painful words from the woman he used to care for, held back his tears and said nothing not a few moments passed when the woman’s husband came back to her side.
But before the lady could say a word, her husband immediately recognized the man she was talking to and said,
“Sir? G-good afternoon! I see you’ve met my wife!”
“Good afternoon too, Mr…?”, said the man.
“Mr Carter, Sir!” The husband then turned to his wife and said,
“Dear, I’d like you to meet my boss he owns the $100 million project I’ve been working on!”
The woman, left flabbergasted by the turn of events, was not able to say anything back.
The man just smiled and said, “Well, Mr Carter I’ve got to get going, I have important things to attend to It was splendid seeing you today have a great day!”
For a minute, the couple just stared at the man as he walked away having been over her initial shock, the woman asked her husband in disbelief, “That was your boss?”
“Yes, dear he’s a very humble person but his life is quite a sad story they said he once loved a lady but she dumped him because he was just a poor boy back then.
Because of that, he worked really hard and because he’s smart, he became successful now he’s a multimillionaire who earns millions of dollars a month.
Unfortunately though, he couldn’t move on from that heartbreak and remains unmarried still.”
The husband went on and said, “How lucky would that lady have been if she had married that man?”
The lady looked in total shock and couldn’t utter a word.
The doctor tells him
Drunken Lady
A poor boy was in love with a rich man’s daughter overcome with his love for the girl, the boy proposed to her.
However, the rich girl derisively rejected him and said, “Your monthly salary is equivalent to my daily expenses how do you expect me to marry someone like you? I can never love you so forget about me go find and marry someone else of your level.”
Despite being rejected so hurtfully, for some reason, the boy could not forget her so easily roughly 10 years later, they accidentally ran into each other in a shopping mall.
She immediately recognized the man and said, “Hey, how are you? I’m now married to a very smart man, and his salary is $15,700 per month! Can you beat that?”
The man, hearing those painful words from the woman he used to care for, held back his tears and said nothing not a few moments passed when the woman’s husband came back to her side.
But before the lady could say a word, her husband immediately recognized the man she was talking to and said,
“Sir? G-good afternoon! I see you’ve met my wife!”
“Good afternoon too, Mr…?”, said the man.
“Mr Carter, Sir!” The husband then turned to his wife and said,
“Dear, I’d like you to meet my boss he owns the $100 million project I’ve been working on!”
The woman, left flabbergasted by the turn of events, was not able to say anything back.
The man just smiled and said, “Well, Mr Carter I’ve got to get going, I have important things to attend to It was splendid seeing you today have a great day!”
For a minute, the couple just stared at the man as he walked away having been over her initial shock, the woman asked her husband in disbelief, “That was your boss?”
“Yes, dear he’s a very humble person but his life is quite a sad story they said he once loved a lady but she dumped him because he was just a poor boy back then.
Because of that, he worked really hard and because he’s smart, he became successful now he’s a multimillionaire who earns millions of dollars a month.
Unfortunately though, he couldn’t move on from that heartbreak and remains unmarried still.”
The husband went on and said, “How lucky would that lady have been if she had married that man?”
The lady looked in total shock and couldn’t utter a word.
The doctor tells him
Drunken Lady
26.
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.
About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
“Captain, captain, what do we do?” asked the first mate.
“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt.”
The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight.
So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
“Captain, captain, what should we do?”
“First mate, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.
The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
“It’s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.”
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy’s armada were approaching!
“Captain, captain, we’re in terrible trouble, what do we do?”
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, “First mate…. bring me my brown pants!”
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey
After an hour of gathering up his courage
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.
About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
“Captain, captain, what do we do?” asked the first mate.
“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt.”
The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight.
So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
“Captain, captain, what should we do?”
“First mate, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.
The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
“It’s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.”
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy’s armada were approaching!
“Captain, captain, we’re in terrible trouble, what do we do?”
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, “First mate…. bring me my brown pants!”
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey
After an hour of gathering up his courage
27.
One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says “Hey pa, why don’t you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream.”
Pa said, “OK I will go right now.”
Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets.
He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant.
When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said “Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!”
A man went to his doctor and told
Two men are drinking in a bar
One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says “Hey pa, why don’t you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream.”
Pa said, “OK I will go right now.”
Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets.
He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant.
When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said “Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!”
A man went to his doctor and told
Two men are drinking in a bar
28.
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”
“Oh, please?” the girlfriend asked again in a nice little voice.
“Really, I can’t” he replied, “My wife loves this beard!”
The girlfriend asked once more and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
Wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”
A little old lady tried to phone
A kid walks into a class
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”
“Oh, please?” the girlfriend asked again in a nice little voice.
“Really, I can’t” he replied, “My wife loves this beard!”
The girlfriend asked once more and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
Wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”
A little old lady tried to phone
A kid walks into a class
29.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
“Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”
When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her,
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary and the teacher said,
“Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary
and the teacher said, “Very good,”
and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question,
“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
“If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted.
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady
A man decides to take the opportunity
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
“Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”
When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her,
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary and the teacher said,
“Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary
and the teacher said, “Very good,”
and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question,
“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
“If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted.
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady
A man decides to take the opportunity
30.
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady user.
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
An Old Lady: I can’t see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
An Old Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer???!!
Help desk: there is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer double click on it.
An Old Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer??!!!
Two men are sitting at a bar
Bill and Doug were having a beer
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady user.
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
An Old Lady: I can’t see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
An Old Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer???!!
Help desk: there is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer double click on it.
An Old Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer??!!!
Two men are sitting at a bar
Bill and Doug were having a beer
Tags:
Eng Jokes