1.
A woman goes to her doctor,
complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says,
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger
A recently married couple are in bed
A statue of a Macho athlete
A woman goes to her doctor,
complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says,
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger
A recently married couple are in bed
A statue of a Macho athlete
2.
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
3.
One man was reading the newspaper in the afternoon when his wife suddenly came out from behind him and hit him in the head with the pan.
“Why did you do that?!” He shouted. “I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket, with the name ‘Suzy’ on it.” She answered.
“Jesus Christ, honey, remember that last week I went out with friends to hang out at the racing track?”
Susy was the name of the horse I was betting on.“ The woman was silent.
Three days later, as he read the newspaper again, his wife emerged from behind him and hit him again on his head with the frying pan.
“Why did you do that this time?!” He shouted. “I just wanted to let you know… your horse called.”
A man and his wife were at odds
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself
One man was reading the newspaper in the afternoon when his wife suddenly came out from behind him and hit him in the head with the pan.
“Why did you do that?!” He shouted. “I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket, with the name ‘Suzy’ on it.” She answered.
“Jesus Christ, honey, remember that last week I went out with friends to hang out at the racing track?”
Susy was the name of the horse I was betting on.“ The woman was silent.
Three days later, as he read the newspaper again, his wife emerged from behind him and hit him again on his head with the frying pan.
“Why did you do that this time?!” He shouted. “I just wanted to let you know… your horse called.”
A man and his wife were at odds
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself
4.
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?”
asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?”
asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?”
asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Three men were discussing at a bar
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?”
asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?”
asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?”
asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Three men were discussing at a bar
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
5.
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’
The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.
‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’
The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.
‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…
‘POTATOES POTATOES!’
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
Three girls all worked in the same office
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’
The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.
‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’
The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.
‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…
‘POTATOES POTATOES!’
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
Three girls all worked in the same office
6.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter walking into the back room.
The boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”
“Russia, sir.” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave Russia?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and ice hockey players there.”
“Is that right?” demanded the Manager.
“My wife is from Russia!”
“Really?” replied the boy.
“Who did she play for?”
He sadly packed his belongings into boxes
A little girl raised her hand
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter walking into the back room.
The boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”
“Russia, sir.” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave Russia?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and ice hockey players there.”
“Is that right?” demanded the Manager.
“My wife is from Russia!”
“Really?” replied the boy.
“Who did she play for?”
He sadly packed his belongings into boxes
A little girl raised her hand
7.
The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is, he replied…. “Breakfast.”
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist
The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is, he replied…. “Breakfast.”
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist
8.
A man asks a farmer near a field,
As He is in hurry,
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says,
“Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing
A man well into his seventies asks his wife
A man asks a farmer near a field,
As He is in hurry,
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says,
“Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing
A man well into his seventies asks his wife
9.
About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably
She gets up and starts to look for him.
He’s not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen
As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffles coming from the basement.
She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him
Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically.
She runs over to him and asks why he is crying.
He says, “Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?”
She looks at him and says, “Yes”.
He says, “Well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail.”
She says, “I already know that
I don’t see what the problem is.”
He says, “Don’t you see!!! I would have gotten out today!”
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store
A mother took her little boy to church
About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably
She gets up and starts to look for him.
He’s not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen
As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffles coming from the basement.
She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him
Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically.
She runs over to him and asks why he is crying.
He says, “Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?”
She looks at him and says, “Yes”.
He says, “Well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail.”
She says, “I already know that
I don’t see what the problem is.”
He says, “Don’t you see!!! I would have gotten out today!”
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store
A mother took her little boy to church
10.
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls before meeting my friend for game.
The club house had a bin of slightly used balls and I picked out a couple and went to buy them.
The cashier asked if I wanted a bag for them and I said, “it’s OK, I’ll just put them in my front pockets.”
While walking out of the store another guy came walking in and saw me with my pockets bulging.
“What’s wrong with your pockets?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s just tennis balls.” I said.
“Oh wow, how are you even able to walk?
I had tennis elbow once and I could barely move my arms.”
In a neighbourhood
A kangaroo at the zoo
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls before meeting my friend for game.
The club house had a bin of slightly used balls and I picked out a couple and went to buy them.
The cashier asked if I wanted a bag for them and I said, “it’s OK, I’ll just put them in my front pockets.”
While walking out of the store another guy came walking in and saw me with my pockets bulging.
“What’s wrong with your pockets?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s just tennis balls.” I said.
“Oh wow, how are you even able to walk?
I had tennis elbow once and I could barely move my arms.”
In a neighbourhood
A kangaroo at the zoo
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11.
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.
They have just lost their bull.
The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount.
If I can, I will send you a telegram.”
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.
She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.”
Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”
The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.’”
Two elderly women were trying on shoes
A blonde goes to the local bar
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.
They have just lost their bull.
The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount.
If I can, I will send you a telegram.”
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.
She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.”
Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”
The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.’”
Two elderly women were trying on shoes
A blonde goes to the local bar
12.
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife will leave me”.
His friend said, “I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket,
go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill”.
He goes home and his wife’s angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says,
“No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill”.
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money.
“Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?”
“Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants”
My buddies and I where out for a night
The Nurse Asked My Family’s
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife will leave me”.
His friend said, “I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket,
go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill”.
He goes home and his wife’s angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says,
“No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill”.
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money.
“Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?”
“Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants”
My buddies and I where out for a night
The Nurse Asked My Family’s
13.
A man died and went up to heaven.
Upon arriving he noticed two signs One said, “Men Who Are Bossed By Their wives,” the other one said “Men Not Bossed By Their Wives.”
After closer inspection he noticed that while next to the first sign was a big line, by the second sign there was just one man.
After getting even closer he realized it was his friend Harry.
“Hey Harry” the man questioned “what in the world are you doing here? Your wife bosses you around more then anybody.”
“I don’t know” Harry replied “my wife told me to stand here.”
A blonde and brunette are sitting
The CEO of a large company
A man died and went up to heaven.
Upon arriving he noticed two signs One said, “Men Who Are Bossed By Their wives,” the other one said “Men Not Bossed By Their Wives.”
After closer inspection he noticed that while next to the first sign was a big line, by the second sign there was just one man.
After getting even closer he realized it was his friend Harry.
“Hey Harry” the man questioned “what in the world are you doing here? Your wife bosses you around more then anybody.”
“I don’t know” Harry replied “my wife told me to stand here.”
A blonde and brunette are sitting
The CEO of a large company
14.
A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him ‘professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?
He asked. ‘Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u & lecturing u on the subject’ he replied.
The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u & accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an ‘A” the professor laughed but agreed.
The boy continued, ‘what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer.
He had to finally give up as he really did not know.
He gave the boy his ‘A’ the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery & decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer.
He pointed out one student and waited: “sir, u’re 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife’s boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an ‘A’, That is neither logical nor legal”.
A blonde walked into a department store
Three fathers are talking about their sons
A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him ‘professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?
He asked. ‘Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u & lecturing u on the subject’ he replied.
The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u & accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an ‘A” the professor laughed but agreed.
The boy continued, ‘what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer.
He had to finally give up as he really did not know.
He gave the boy his ‘A’ the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery & decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer.
He pointed out one student and waited: “sir, u’re 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife’s boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an ‘A’, That is neither logical nor legal”.
A blonde walked into a department store
Three fathers are talking about their sons
15.
An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking: “That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time, the old woman said: “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: “What is it you are waiting for?”
She answered: “The teeth.”
The old Josh was sat in his garden
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking: “That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time, the old woman said: “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: “What is it you are waiting for?”
She answered: “The teeth.”
The old Josh was sat in his garden
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
16.
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have make love with you, but I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said, “Do it but ask him for $2,000.
Then pick up the money so fast, he won’t even have enough time to undress himself.”
She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks,
“So what happened?”
She responds, “The bastard used coins, so I’m still picking it up and he is still choking me!”
A dentist told a mother
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have make love with you, but I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said, “Do it but ask him for $2,000.
Then pick up the money so fast, he won’t even have enough time to undress himself.”
She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks,
“So what happened?”
She responds, “The bastard used coins, so I’m still picking it up and he is still choking me!”
A dentist told a mother
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office
17.
A Texan visitor to England asked an Englishman to show him the biggest building in town.
“There it is,” said the Englishman.
“It’s quite impressive, I must admit.”
“You call that big?” scoffed the Texan.
“Back in Texas we have buildings just like that but over a hundred times bigger!”
“I’m not surprised,” said the Englishman.
“That’s the local lunatic asylum!”
A man was annoyed when his wife
A man walks up to a woman
A Texan visitor to England asked an Englishman to show him the biggest building in town.
“There it is,” said the Englishman.
“It’s quite impressive, I must admit.”
“You call that big?” scoffed the Texan.
“Back in Texas we have buildings just like that but over a hundred times bigger!”
“I’m not surprised,” said the Englishman.
“That’s the local lunatic asylum!”
A man was annoyed when his wife
A man walks up to a woman
18.
A 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
“Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?”
“Erm, I don’t know” I replied
“Mickey Mouse” he replied laughing.
“Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs.”
“Donald Duck” I replied.
“No, all ducks you idiot.”
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
She asks the doctor about her baby
A 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
“Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?”
“Erm, I don’t know” I replied
“Mickey Mouse” he replied laughing.
“Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs.”
“Donald Duck” I replied.
“No, all ducks you idiot.”
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
She asks the doctor about her baby
19.
After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and said:
“Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
But my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she’d make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
A blonde went to the hospital
A woman phones up her husband
After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and said:
“Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
But my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she’d make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
A blonde went to the hospital
A woman phones up her husband
20.
A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
“How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose.” answered the new firefighter.
“Now wait a minute, son,” said the fire chief.
“Where are all these fire hoses coming from?”
The new firefighter answered, “The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief.”
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
“How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose.” answered the new firefighter.
“Now wait a minute, son,” said the fire chief.
“Where are all these fire hoses coming from?”
The new firefighter answered, “The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief.”
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
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21.
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .
So the first man went up to they’re father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “no but you can sleep with the pigs.”
the second man went to the father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said ” no but you can sleep with the cows.”
the third man said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “yes.”
so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said “I slept like a pig” the second man said “I slept like a cow” the third man said “I felt like a golfer” the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
Girl melons got one size bigger
Three Nuns Are Talking
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .
So the first man went up to they’re father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “no but you can sleep with the pigs.”
the second man went to the father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said ” no but you can sleep with the cows.”
the third man said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “yes.”
so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said “I slept like a pig” the second man said “I slept like a cow” the third man said “I felt like a golfer” the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
Girl melons got one size bigger
Three Nuns Are Talking
22.
Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches.
The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.
He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener.
Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food.
So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless.
“I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. “NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”
Five more days pass, Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.
“Just for that, I’m not going!”
A elderly couple were killed in an accident
The little boy had been looking
Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches.
The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.
He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener.
Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food.
So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless.
“I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. “NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”
Five more days pass, Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.
“Just for that, I’m not going!”
A elderly couple were killed in an accident
The little boy had been looking
23.
A young man and woman got married.
At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet.
Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances.
Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife.
One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital.
As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon.
The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side.
“Well” she said, “I suppose now would be the right time.”
The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside.
On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars!
“Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll,” said the wife.
The husband was thrilled and thankful.
He absolutely couldn’t believe his wife had only been mad at him two times!
“That is amazing!” said the husband to his wife.
“Honey, I’m grateful beyond belief you’ve only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?”
“Oh, honey” said the wife, “That’s the money I got from selling the dolls.”
A couple is on their honeymoon
A woman was nagging her husband
A young man and woman got married.
At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet.
Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances.
Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife.
One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital.
As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon.
The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side.
“Well” she said, “I suppose now would be the right time.”
The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside.
On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars!
“Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll,” said the wife.
The husband was thrilled and thankful.
He absolutely couldn’t believe his wife had only been mad at him two times!
“That is amazing!” said the husband to his wife.
“Honey, I’m grateful beyond belief you’ve only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?”
“Oh, honey” said the wife, “That’s the money I got from selling the dolls.”
A couple is on their honeymoon
A woman was nagging her husband
24.
Mick says to Paddy, “I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy, “But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, “Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No 91…”
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout”.
A old man was having his annual checkup
Wife Comes Home Drunk
Mick says to Paddy, “I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy, “But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, “Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No 91…”
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout”.
A old man was having his annual checkup
Wife Comes Home Drunk
25.
It was Sally first time going for jury duty and she was a little bit apprehensive.
I would just like you to know said Sally as soon as she was in front of the judge that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect.
That’s OK , said the judge “capital punishment is not a possibility in this case so it’s perfectly fine for you to serve on this jury.
What the case about? Asked Sally.
Well Mrs. Smith is filing a suit against her husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom, replied the judge.
Alright replied Sally I’ll serve on this one, I may have been wrong about the capital punishment thing after all.
A Sales Associate at Walmart
An old man went to the doctor
It was Sally first time going for jury duty and she was a little bit apprehensive.
I would just like you to know said Sally as soon as she was in front of the judge that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect.
That’s OK , said the judge “capital punishment is not a possibility in this case so it’s perfectly fine for you to serve on this jury.
What the case about? Asked Sally.
Well Mrs. Smith is filing a suit against her husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom, replied the judge.
Alright replied Sally I’ll serve on this one, I may have been wrong about the capital punishment thing after all.
A Sales Associate at Walmart
An old man went to the doctor
26.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest
27.
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A mother bought her young son a pet
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A mother bought her young son a pet
28.
Little Sally asked her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block, he told her no because Fluffy was in heat.
Little Sally says what does in heat mean?
Without any explanation her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it and told her to go around the block and come back straight home.
When she returned she was alone. Her dad asks; where is Fluffy?
Little Sally says, Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home.
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
A mother found a candy bar wrapper
Little Sally asked her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block, he told her no because Fluffy was in heat.
Little Sally says what does in heat mean?
Without any explanation her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it and told her to go around the block and come back straight home.
When she returned she was alone. Her dad asks; where is Fluffy?
Little Sally says, Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home.
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
A mother found a candy bar wrapper
29.
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, “Who are all those men in the pictures?”
The usher replied, “Why, those are our boys who died in the service”.
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, “Was that the morning service or the evening service?”
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains
A elderly priest dies and goes to heaven
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, “Who are all those men in the pictures?”
The usher replied, “Why, those are our boys who died in the service”.
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, “Was that the morning service or the evening service?”
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains
A elderly priest dies and goes to heaven
30.
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” he concluded.
“What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
A guy walks into a bar with his dog
A young boy and his dad went out fishing
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” he concluded.
“What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
A guy walks into a bar with his dog
A young boy and his dad went out fishing
Tags:
Eng Jokes