1.
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
Wife sent a message to her husband
A teacher was helping one of her kids
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
Wife sent a message to her husband
A teacher was helping one of her kids
2.
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
3.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
A father put his three year old daughter
A older couple wakes up
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
A father put his three year old daughter
A older couple wakes up
4.
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to lovemaking for the first time and the old woman said,
“I should tell you I have acute angina.”
The old man says, “I hope so.
You sure don’t have cute melons.”
Husband in bed with another woman
A old lady comes into the kitchen
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to lovemaking for the first time and the old woman said,
“I should tell you I have acute angina.”
The old man says, “I hope so.
You sure don’t have cute melons.”
Husband in bed with another woman
A old lady comes into the kitchen
5.
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”
“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.
“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A old lady was stopped
The defense lawyer asks Sam
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”
“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.
“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A old lady was stopped
The defense lawyer asks Sam
6.
A man and his wife were at odds and not talking to each other.
In the evening, the man suddenly remembered that he needed his wife to wake him up the next day at 5 am so he could make it in time for a business flight.
Since he did not want to be the first to break the silence, he wrote to her on a piece of paper “Please wake me up at 5 am” and left the note on the bedside table.
The next morning the man woke up only to find that it was nine o’clock and he had missed the flight.
He jumped out of bed furiously to find out why his wife had not awakened him and came across a note on his bedside table.
The note read: “it’s 5 o’clock, wake up.”
Peter comes very drunk home
One man was reading the newspaper
A man and his wife were at odds and not talking to each other.
In the evening, the man suddenly remembered that he needed his wife to wake him up the next day at 5 am so he could make it in time for a business flight.
Since he did not want to be the first to break the silence, he wrote to her on a piece of paper “Please wake me up at 5 am” and left the note on the bedside table.
The next morning the man woke up only to find that it was nine o’clock and he had missed the flight.
He jumped out of bed furiously to find out why his wife had not awakened him and came across a note on his bedside table.
The note read: “it’s 5 o’clock, wake up.”
Peter comes very drunk home
One man was reading the newspaper
7.
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.
Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,
“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”
Uncle Bob grins and says,
“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”
A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,
“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.
Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,
“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”
Uncle Bob grins and says,
“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”
A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,
“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
8.
One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in the water, he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen.
“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny.
“There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Cher, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Momma,” replied Johnny,
” if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in the water, he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen.
“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny.
“There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Cher, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Momma,” replied Johnny,
” if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
9.
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
“You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
A blonde girl goes to the council
Mrs. Parks asked her class
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
“You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
A blonde girl goes to the council
Mrs. Parks asked her class
10.
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?” The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman.
I want one day of wild, crazy make love with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!” The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Why do you want to talk to me
A man escapes from prison
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?” The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman.
I want one day of wild, crazy make love with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!” The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Why do you want to talk to me
A man escapes from prison
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11.
Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.
Alex was crying very loudly.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I came here for a blood test.
Johnny: So? Are you afraid?
Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now?
Johnny: I came for a urine test!
Teacher asked a question to kids
She says to the children
Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.
Alex was crying very loudly.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I came here for a blood test.
Johnny: So? Are you afraid?
Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now?
Johnny: I came for a urine test!
Teacher asked a question to kids
She says to the children
12.
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny wee man, if he stood sideways you would not see him wearing scratched glasses, a ten-year-old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it, and a drop fell into the glass.
Then he squeezed some more, and another drop fell from the lemon.
Without a word, the wee man squeezed some more, and a third drop fell into the glass.
The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless.
As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied: “I’m a tax collector.”
Two men died and went to Heaven
A elderly man goes into confession
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny wee man, if he stood sideways you would not see him wearing scratched glasses, a ten-year-old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it, and a drop fell into the glass.
Then he squeezed some more, and another drop fell from the lemon.
Without a word, the wee man squeezed some more, and a third drop fell into the glass.
The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless.
As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied: “I’m a tax collector.”
Two men died and went to Heaven
A elderly man goes into confession
13.
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”
“Throw out an anchor, Sir.”
“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”
“Throw out another anchor, Sir.”
“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?”
“Throw out another anchor.”
“Hold on,” said the Captain, “where are you getting all your anchors from?”
“From the same place you re getting your storms, sir.”
The teacher asked the class
Once there was a business executive
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”
“Throw out an anchor, Sir.”
“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”
“Throw out another anchor, Sir.”
“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?”
“Throw out another anchor.”
“Hold on,” said the Captain, “where are you getting all your anchors from?”
“From the same place you re getting your storms, sir.”
The teacher asked the class
Once there was a business executive
14.
A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
“I am an all and powerful genie you get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish.
“I want a beautiful mansion.”
The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.
A few minutes later he asks for his second wish.
“I want 100 millions dollars.”
The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.
On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants finally… he asks for his third wish.
“I want you to scare me half to death.”
A old man is eating his lunch
A very wealthy lawyer
A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
“I am an all and powerful genie you get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish.
“I want a beautiful mansion.”
The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.
A few minutes later he asks for his second wish.
“I want 100 millions dollars.”
The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.
On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants finally… he asks for his third wish.
“I want you to scare me half to death.”
A old man is eating his lunch
A very wealthy lawyer
15.
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are “snowbirds” in Texas.
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely undressed except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now??”
Bessie looks up and says, “Ray, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Ray yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”
To which Bessie replies, “Should a bought a hat, Ray. Should a bought a hat.”
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
Mr. Robinson said to his wife
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are “snowbirds” in Texas.
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely undressed except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now??”
Bessie looks up and says, “Ray, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Ray yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”
To which Bessie replies, “Should a bought a hat, Ray. Should a bought a hat.”
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
Mr. Robinson said to his wife
16.
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.
The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”
The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.
He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.
While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.
The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”
He breaks into a house to look for money
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.
The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”
The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.
He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.
While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.
The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”
He breaks into a house to look for money
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
17.
A man boarded a plane with six kids and got settled into their seats.
A woman sitting across the aisle leans over and says, “Excuse me sir but are these your kids?”
To which he replied, “No, I work for a company that manufactures rubber pack.
And these are customer complaints.”
A husband sends a text to his wife
A kid says to his mother
A man boarded a plane with six kids and got settled into their seats.
A woman sitting across the aisle leans over and says, “Excuse me sir but are these your kids?”
To which he replied, “No, I work for a company that manufactures rubber pack.
And these are customer complaints.”
A husband sends a text to his wife
A kid says to his mother
18.
There were Two Nuns.
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened.
I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
During one of her daily classes a teacher
An elderly man walks into a confessional
There were Two Nuns.
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened.
I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
During one of her daily classes a teacher
An elderly man walks into a confessional
19.
An old Italian man goes to church for confession, he starts “Father forgive me for I have sinned.
During the war I hid a young Jewish girl in my cellar”.
“That was a wonderful thing you did and needs no forgiveness”, Said the priest.
“That’s not all, we struck up a romantic relationship, we made love everyday and sometimes twice on Sundays”.
The priest thought for a while then said
“Those were difficult times, and things happen that otherwise wouldn’t, you are forgiven my son”.
The old man starts to leave , then turns and says “Should I tell her the wars over?”
The Doctor
The Scottish Lass Goes To Dentist
An old Italian man goes to church for confession, he starts “Father forgive me for I have sinned.
During the war I hid a young Jewish girl in my cellar”.
“That was a wonderful thing you did and needs no forgiveness”, Said the priest.
“That’s not all, we struck up a romantic relationship, we made love everyday and sometimes twice on Sundays”.
The priest thought for a while then said
“Those were difficult times, and things happen that otherwise wouldn’t, you are forgiven my son”.
The old man starts to leave , then turns and says “Should I tell her the wars over?”
The Doctor
The Scottish Lass Goes To Dentist
20.
There are three friends.
Shut the hell up, Your manners, and Bear Shit.
One day they’re in the woods and bear shit gets lost and your manners looks for him.
Shut the hell up goes to the police station “my friend is missing can you help me?”
The officer says “what’s your name?” “Shut the hell up” “what?” Shut the hell up” “say that again?
” Shut the hell up!” “Son where’s your manners?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! He’s out in the woods looking for bear shit
A soldier girl wrote to break off their engagement
One day a man goes to the beach
There are three friends.
Shut the hell up, Your manners, and Bear Shit.
One day they’re in the woods and bear shit gets lost and your manners looks for him.
Shut the hell up goes to the police station “my friend is missing can you help me?”
The officer says “what’s your name?” “Shut the hell up” “what?” Shut the hell up” “say that again?
” Shut the hell up!” “Son where’s your manners?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! He’s out in the woods looking for bear shit
A soldier girl wrote to break off their engagement
One day a man goes to the beach
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21.
The first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blonde pure bride slipped into a nice but sweet nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “Because it’s Lent.”
Almost in tears, she remarked, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
To whom did you lend it, and for how long?”
A old woman was able to give birth to child
The day she won the lottery
The first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blonde pure bride slipped into a nice but sweet nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “Because it’s Lent.”
Almost in tears, she remarked, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
To whom did you lend it, and for how long?”
A old woman was able to give birth to child
The day she won the lottery
22.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
23.
An old man is in the surgery, and he asks the doctor if there was any way he could find out if his wife was hard of hearing.
The doctor replied, “If she won’t come in for a hearing test, you could try talking to her when you get home.
If you get no response, then move a little closer and repeat what you’ve said.
If she doesn’t hear you at first, you can gauge just how deaf she is by how close you get, until she does hear.”
Armed with this information, he sets off home.
Opening the front door he notices his wife in the kitchen down the passageway, with her back to the door.
Closing the door quietly, he says to his wife, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
He gets no response, so he moves a little closer and says again, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response; so he enters the kitchen,and says, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
Again she doesn’t respond, so he walks up to her touches her arm and says, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
With that she reels around and shouts at him, “Dangers and mash, for the fourth bang time, you deaf bastard!”
Two sisters blonde and brunette
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting
An old man is in the surgery, and he asks the doctor if there was any way he could find out if his wife was hard of hearing.
The doctor replied, “If she won’t come in for a hearing test, you could try talking to her when you get home.
If you get no response, then move a little closer and repeat what you’ve said.
If she doesn’t hear you at first, you can gauge just how deaf she is by how close you get, until she does hear.”
Armed with this information, he sets off home.
Opening the front door he notices his wife in the kitchen down the passageway, with her back to the door.
Closing the door quietly, he says to his wife, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
He gets no response, so he moves a little closer and says again, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response; so he enters the kitchen,and says, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
Again she doesn’t respond, so he walks up to her touches her arm and says, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
With that she reels around and shouts at him, “Dangers and mash, for the fourth bang time, you deaf bastard!”
Two sisters blonde and brunette
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting
24.
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner At A 5-Star Restaurant.
As the waiter comes with their food, the husband says,
“Our food has arrived! Let’s eat it!”
The wife reminds him “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before eating our dinner!”
The husband says, “That’s at home but here the chef knows how to cook food.”
A couple had been married for 40 years
A man shops for groceries with his wife
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner At A 5-Star Restaurant.
As the waiter comes with their food, the husband says,
“Our food has arrived! Let’s eat it!”
The wife reminds him “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before eating our dinner!”
The husband says, “That’s at home but here the chef knows how to cook food.”
A couple had been married for 40 years
A man shops for groceries with his wife
25.
Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.
The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, but then hesitated and said: ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
Next it was the second man’s turn to be interviewed.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, walked out again. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can’t do it.’
Finally it was the third man’s turn.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun and went into the room.
The agent heard six shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
Seconds later the man came out of the room, saying: ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair!’
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
Four freshman partied too hard
Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.
The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, but then hesitated and said: ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
Next it was the second man’s turn to be interviewed.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, walked out again. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can’t do it.’
Finally it was the third man’s turn.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun and went into the room.
The agent heard six shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
Seconds later the man came out of the room, saying: ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair!’
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
Four freshman partied too hard
26.
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
“OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.”
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!”
Marry was truly a religious woman
Jim first time leaving Europe
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
“OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.”
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!”
Marry was truly a religious woman
Jim first time leaving Europe
27.
On Christmas Eve, little Timmy made a wish that Santa would deliver the best gift ever.
When he woke up the next morning, he ran downstairs to find… a giant pile of socks, mittens, and a sweater.
Timmy was disappointed and said, “Santa didn’t listen to my wish!”
His dad smiled and said, “Well, Timmy, the true Christmas miracle is warmth and these socks will keep your feet cozy all year long!”
Timmy thought for a second, then grinned.
“Next year, I’ll just ask for a heating pad!”
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
A blonde gets on an airplane
On Christmas Eve, little Timmy made a wish that Santa would deliver the best gift ever.
When he woke up the next morning, he ran downstairs to find… a giant pile of socks, mittens, and a sweater.
Timmy was disappointed and said, “Santa didn’t listen to my wish!”
His dad smiled and said, “Well, Timmy, the true Christmas miracle is warmth and these socks will keep your feet cozy all year long!”
Timmy thought for a second, then grinned.
“Next year, I’ll just ask for a heating pad!”
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
A blonde gets on an airplane
28.
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m going’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said,
“Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy.
“He just walked up, took me by the hand and said,
‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”
A older man with several complaints saw a physician
A woman wearing a real tight dress
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m going’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said,
“Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy.
“He just walked up, took me by the hand and said,
‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”
A older man with several complaints saw a physician
A woman wearing a real tight dress
29.
A guy walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
A college professor of Psychology
A guy walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
A college professor of Psychology
30.
There once was an elderly man who sold flowers in a small town and did quite well for himself.
Across the street some monks opened a flower shop as well and gave all their profits to charity and under priced the man.
The man had to do something or lose his business so at first he begged.
But nothing he tried got them to leave.
He then hired a man named Hugh who promised to solve his problem.
The next morning the monks were packing up and moving away.
Moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The junior executive had been complaining
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
There once was an elderly man who sold flowers in a small town and did quite well for himself.
Across the street some monks opened a flower shop as well and gave all their profits to charity and under priced the man.
The man had to do something or lose his business so at first he begged.
But nothing he tried got them to leave.
He then hired a man named Hugh who promised to solve his problem.
The next morning the monks were packing up and moving away.
Moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The junior executive had been complaining
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
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