1.
Man looks at his friend and says “if you and a friend go camping
you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a protection in your bum
would you tell anyone? ”
The friend says im a disgusted tone “No”
So the man says “ok let’s go camping
The Kid Asks His Dad
One day Little Johnny’s class
Man looks at his friend and says “if you and a friend go camping
you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a protection in your bum
would you tell anyone? ”
The friend says im a disgusted tone “No”
So the man says “ok let’s go camping
The Kid Asks His Dad
One day Little Johnny’s class
2.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I didn’t have any clothes with me.”
I asked again: “Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?”
“No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo… I asked one more time: “Matty, did you have an accident?”
Stopped by an old gentleman Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.
Johnny went to confession
A doctor drives by a small town
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I didn’t have any clothes with me.”
I asked again: “Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?”
“No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo… I asked one more time: “Matty, did you have an accident?”
Stopped by an old gentleman Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.
Johnny went to confession
A doctor drives by a small town
3.
Bush says, “I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy”.
Trump, with a smug look on his face replies,
“I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy”.
Hillary smirks and says, “Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 people happy”.
Then the pilot says to the co-pilot,
“I could throw all 3 of these f**king idiots out the window and make billions of people happy”.
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man goes to the doctor
Bush says, “I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy”.
Trump, with a smug look on his face replies,
“I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy”.
Hillary smirks and says, “Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 people happy”.
Then the pilot says to the co-pilot,
“I could throw all 3 of these f**king idiots out the window and make billions of people happy”.
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man goes to the doctor
4.
Three babies are in their mother’s womb.
One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.”
The next one says, “I want to be an Olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.”
Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”
A man goes to confess
Two turtles walk into a bar
Three babies are in their mother’s womb.
One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.”
The next one says, “I want to be an Olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.”
Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”
A man goes to confess
Two turtles walk into a bar
5.
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
A man went to the doctor complaining
The man approached the very beautiful woman
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
A man went to the doctor complaining
The man approached the very beautiful woman
6.
A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch.
She asks what’s wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house undressed.
So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed undressed and sweaty.
She asks, “What’s going on?”
He replies, “I’m having a heart attack.”
She says “I’m going to call 911, while I’m really looking for my sister.”
She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the unclothed, and gives her a slap, “How dare you!
My husband is having a heart attack and you’re running around scaring the kids!”
A woman was nagging her husband
A husband asks his wife
A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch.
She asks what’s wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house undressed.
So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed undressed and sweaty.
She asks, “What’s going on?”
He replies, “I’m having a heart attack.”
She says “I’m going to call 911, while I’m really looking for my sister.”
She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the unclothed, and gives her a slap, “How dare you!
My husband is having a heart attack and you’re running around scaring the kids!”
A woman was nagging her husband
A husband asks his wife
7.
An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear.
The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem.
“Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”
The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper.
“Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?”
After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response.
Then again at 10 feet away and again no response.
Edward was lying on his deathbed
A blonde sitting in the first class
An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear.
The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem.
“Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”
The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper.
“Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?”
After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response.
Then again at 10 feet away and again no response.
Edward was lying on his deathbed
A blonde sitting in the first class
8.
Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night.
They approach the clerk, and Santa says, “Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?”
“You mean a room with two beds?” asks the clerk.
“Whatever, whatever you shay.”
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room.
After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open.
As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness.
They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
“Ahh,” says Santa, “Now we can get some sleep at last.”
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.
“Hey! There’s somebody in my bed!” says Banta.
“There’s somebody in my bed too!” says Santa.
“Let’s get rid of them. We paid for this room and we’re going to sleep in the beds!” says Banta.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.
“ALL RIGHT!!” Santa shouts, “I’ve thrown mine off the bed.”
“You’re lucky,” says Banta, “I got thrown off and I’m too tired to fight any more.”
“Well, never mind,” says Santa, “Why don’t you just come and share my bed. Let’s get some sleep round here.”
A woman returned home to her husband
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night.
They approach the clerk, and Santa says, “Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?”
“You mean a room with two beds?” asks the clerk.
“Whatever, whatever you shay.”
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room.
After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open.
As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness.
They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
“Ahh,” says Santa, “Now we can get some sleep at last.”
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.
“Hey! There’s somebody in my bed!” says Banta.
“There’s somebody in my bed too!” says Santa.
“Let’s get rid of them. We paid for this room and we’re going to sleep in the beds!” says Banta.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.
“ALL RIGHT!!” Santa shouts, “I’ve thrown mine off the bed.”
“You’re lucky,” says Banta, “I got thrown off and I’m too tired to fight any more.”
“Well, never mind,” says Santa, “Why don’t you just come and share my bed. Let’s get some sleep round here.”
A woman returned home to her husband
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
9.
One day, an elderly man Jimmy was walking down Main Street when he saw his old buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Bubba, where’d you get that truck?!”
“Mary gave it to me,” Bubba replied.
“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”
“Well, Jimmy, let me tell you what happened we were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere.
Mary pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
‘Bubba, take whatever you want.’ So I took the truck!”
“You’re a smart man, Bubba! Them clothes wound never fit you.”
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
Two young guys appear in court
One day, an elderly man Jimmy was walking down Main Street when he saw his old buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Bubba, where’d you get that truck?!”
“Mary gave it to me,” Bubba replied.
“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”
“Well, Jimmy, let me tell you what happened we were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere.
Mary pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
‘Bubba, take whatever you want.’ So I took the truck!”
“You’re a smart man, Bubba! Them clothes wound never fit you.”
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
Two young guys appear in court
10.
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch he’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled.
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
She never took an interest in religious studies
A lawyer trying to get tickets
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch he’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled.
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
She never took an interest in religious studies
A lawyer trying to get tickets
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11.
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect.
They end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall.
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn’t mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children.
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘Well, how was it?’
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
‘Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf
If you let me touch your wife
An old lady on the bus
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect.
They end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall.
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn’t mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children.
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘Well, how was it?’
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
‘Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf
If you let me touch your wife
An old lady on the bus
12.
An elderly couple had been dating for some time.
Finally, they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about make love?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she says, responding carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.
Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, “Was that one word or two?”
Johnny and his father were walking
Two deaf people get married
An elderly couple had been dating for some time.
Finally, they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about make love?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she says, responding carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.
Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, “Was that one word or two?”
Johnny and his father were walking
Two deaf people get married
13.
“Bob, I’m sorry I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess,
I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you It’s been so incredible and fun, I’ve not been able to stop myself sometimes it goes on for hours and hours.
I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home, I can’t live with the guilt any longer, I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology it won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text,
“Bloom-in’ auto-correct, it’ll be the death of me! I meant to say ‘wife’”
A blonde and a lawyer
She opened the door to see a well
“Bob, I’m sorry I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess,
I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you It’s been so incredible and fun, I’ve not been able to stop myself sometimes it goes on for hours and hours.
I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home, I can’t live with the guilt any longer, I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology it won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text,
“Bloom-in’ auto-correct, it’ll be the death of me! I meant to say ‘wife’”
A blonde and a lawyer
She opened the door to see a well
14.
The alcoholic came to the yoga school.
Hi, I am an alcoholic.
I’ve read in the magazine that yoga helps alcoholics to change their lives. I think I am ready. Can you please give me a few lessons.
Of course, welcome to the family!
So how are you? Have your drinking habits changed?
Yes, that’s really a game changer! All my family and friends are impressed! Now I can drink shots standing on my head in the bar!
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A young man came to an old man
The alcoholic came to the yoga school.
Hi, I am an alcoholic.
I’ve read in the magazine that yoga helps alcoholics to change their lives. I think I am ready. Can you please give me a few lessons.
Of course, welcome to the family!
So how are you? Have your drinking habits changed?
Yes, that’s really a game changer! All my family and friends are impressed! Now I can drink shots standing on my head in the bar!
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A young man came to an old man
15.
A philosopher was strolling through the forest with a disciple, discussing the importance of unexpected encounters.
According to the philosopher, everything around us provides us with an opportunity to learn or to teach.
At that moment, they passed the gate of a small farm which, although well situated, appeared to be extremely run down.
“Just look at this place,” said the disciple.
“You’re quite right what I learn from this is that many people live in Paradise, but are not even aware that they do and continue to live in the most miserable conditions.”
“I said learn and teach,” retorted the philosopher.
“It is never enough simply to notice what is going on, you must also find out the causes, because we can only understand the world when we understand the causes.”
They knocked on the door and were received by the inhabitants: a couple and their three children, all dressed in ragged, dirty clothes.
“You live in the middle of the forest with no shops anywhere around,” said the philosopher to the father of the family
“How do you survive here?”
The man very calmly replied: “My friend, we have a cow who gives us several litres of milk every day some of this we sell or exchange in the neighboring town for other food, and with the remainder we make cheese, yogurt and butter for ourselves and that is how we survive.”
The philosopher thanked him for this information, looked at the place for a few moments and then left.
The stud rooster
A really slow group of golfers
A philosopher was strolling through the forest with a disciple, discussing the importance of unexpected encounters.
According to the philosopher, everything around us provides us with an opportunity to learn or to teach.
At that moment, they passed the gate of a small farm which, although well situated, appeared to be extremely run down.
“Just look at this place,” said the disciple.
“You’re quite right what I learn from this is that many people live in Paradise, but are not even aware that they do and continue to live in the most miserable conditions.”
“I said learn and teach,” retorted the philosopher.
“It is never enough simply to notice what is going on, you must also find out the causes, because we can only understand the world when we understand the causes.”
They knocked on the door and were received by the inhabitants: a couple and their three children, all dressed in ragged, dirty clothes.
“You live in the middle of the forest with no shops anywhere around,” said the philosopher to the father of the family
“How do you survive here?”
The man very calmly replied: “My friend, we have a cow who gives us several litres of milk every day some of this we sell or exchange in the neighboring town for other food, and with the remainder we make cheese, yogurt and butter for ourselves and that is how we survive.”
The philosopher thanked him for this information, looked at the place for a few moments and then left.
The stud rooster
A really slow group of golfers
16.
A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man,
“Do you smoke or drink?”
“No,” he replied.
“I’ve never done either.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.
“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”
“Well then,” said the doctor,
“what do you want to live to be a hundred for?
A pastor
The expensive printer photocopier
A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man,
“Do you smoke or drink?”
“No,” he replied.
“I’ve never done either.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.
“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”
“Well then,” said the doctor,
“what do you want to live to be a hundred for?
A pastor
The expensive printer photocopier
17.
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly even to bed and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem.
Her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”
This Asian lady married to an English man
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly even to bed and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem.
Her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”
This Asian lady married to an English man
A elderly couple had been experiencing
18.
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
“Ladies, exercise is good for you,” announced the teacher
“Walking is especially beneficial And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”
The room was very quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
“Yes?” asked the instructor.
“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
A Young Mouse & Frog
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
“Ladies, exercise is good for you,” announced the teacher
“Walking is especially beneficial And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”
The room was very quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
“Yes?” asked the instructor.
“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
A Young Mouse & Frog
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar
19.
It was an incredibly hot day, and a lion was feeling very hungry.
He came out of his den and searched here and there.
He could find only a small hare.
He caught the hare with some hesitation.
“This hare can’t fill my stomach” thought the lion.
As the lion was about to kill the hare, a deer ran that way.
The lion became greedy.
He thought; “Instead of eating this small hare, let me eat the big deer.”
He let the hare go and went behind the deer.
But the deer had vanished into the forest.
The lion now felt sorry for letting the hare off.
The teacher asked for the first volunteer
The porcupines decided to group
It was an incredibly hot day, and a lion was feeling very hungry.
He came out of his den and searched here and there.
He could find only a small hare.
He caught the hare with some hesitation.
“This hare can’t fill my stomach” thought the lion.
As the lion was about to kill the hare, a deer ran that way.
The lion became greedy.
He thought; “Instead of eating this small hare, let me eat the big deer.”
He let the hare go and went behind the deer.
But the deer had vanished into the forest.
The lion now felt sorry for letting the hare off.
The teacher asked for the first volunteer
The porcupines decided to group
20.
One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.
He said, “We’re learning about make love education.”
She smiled, and said, “At least he’s learning something useful.”
Billy went up to his room.
A little later, Billy’s mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner.
She opens his door and sees him j*rk*ng off.
She says, “Billy, when you’re done with your homework, supper’s on the table.”
A Chinese man had three daughters
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.
He said, “We’re learning about make love education.”
She smiled, and said, “At least he’s learning something useful.”
Billy went up to his room.
A little later, Billy’s mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner.
She opens his door and sees him j*rk*ng off.
She says, “Billy, when you’re done with your homework, supper’s on the table.”
A Chinese man had three daughters
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
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21.
A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation.
He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.
“What?” shouted the boss, “I can’t give you more time now. Why didn’t you get married while you were off?”
“Are you nuts?” he replied.
“That would have ruined my whole vacation.”
Tom was getting a check up
A man offers a girl in his office
A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation.
He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.
“What?” shouted the boss, “I can’t give you more time now. Why didn’t you get married while you were off?”
“Are you nuts?” he replied.
“That would have ruined my whole vacation.”
Tom was getting a check up
A man offers a girl in his office
22.
A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with
After the question, the woman doesn’t respond.
The man asks again “Just tell me, it’s fine. How many men have you slept with?”
His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the roof.
The man says “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…”
Still silence from his wife.
The man, giving up, says “It’s OK. Please don’t be upset.”
Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection.
While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses,
stops looking at the roof, looks at him, and upset,
tells her husband
, “Damn it! You made me lose count!”
A blonde named Anna
A woman goes to her doctor
A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with
After the question, the woman doesn’t respond.
The man asks again “Just tell me, it’s fine. How many men have you slept with?”
His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the roof.
The man says “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…”
Still silence from his wife.
The man, giving up, says “It’s OK. Please don’t be upset.”
Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection.
While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses,
stops looking at the roof, looks at him, and upset,
tells her husband
, “Damn it! You made me lose count!”
A blonde named Anna
A woman goes to her doctor
23.
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, “Where have you been? Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill.”
The girl says, “No, I am blueberry hill.”
A married man was visiting
Sarah goes to school
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, “Where have you been? Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill.”
The girl says, “No, I am blueberry hill.”
A married man was visiting
Sarah goes to school
24.
An Australian asks a travel agent what’s the cheapest possible vacation to London that lets him see everything.
“I have a whole evening in Dubai on the way back?
Very well, I’ve always wanted to see the world’s tallest building.”
He packs his bag, wakes up at 6, rushes to the airport, takes off at 9, crosses Pacific 14 hours nonstop, runs to his connection, flies 10 more hours and never slept a wink cause of the jetlag.
By this point he just wanted to crash at his hostel but was so sleep-deprived he almost got hit by a car at the airport.
A local asked “Did you come here to die?” “No I came here yesterday
One day, Einstein has to speak
I paid a visit to an art gallery today
An Australian asks a travel agent what’s the cheapest possible vacation to London that lets him see everything.
“I have a whole evening in Dubai on the way back?
Very well, I’ve always wanted to see the world’s tallest building.”
He packs his bag, wakes up at 6, rushes to the airport, takes off at 9, crosses Pacific 14 hours nonstop, runs to his connection, flies 10 more hours and never slept a wink cause of the jetlag.
By this point he just wanted to crash at his hostel but was so sleep-deprived he almost got hit by a car at the airport.
A local asked “Did you come here to die?” “No I came here yesterday
One day, Einstein has to speak
I paid a visit to an art gallery today
25.
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments passed.
“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.
“Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopee.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
“How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
A girl went to her dad
A woman is standing looking in mirror
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments passed.
“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.
“Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopee.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
“How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
A girl went to her dad
A woman is standing looking in mirror
26.
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
27.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A young blonde visiting her doctor
At the pearly gates he was asked
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A young blonde visiting her doctor
At the pearly gates he was asked
28.
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.
They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half.
He places one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering.
“That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table.
He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man replies that they’re just fine they’re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, “May I ask what is it you are waiting for?”
The old woman answers “The teeth.”
A couple moves into a new neighborhood
A boy was walking down the street
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.
They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half.
He places one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering.
“That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table.
He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man replies that they’re just fine they’re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, “May I ask what is it you are waiting for?”
The old woman answers “The teeth.”
A couple moves into a new neighborhood
A boy was walking down the street
29.
An old lady calls 911 late one night.
So an old lady calls 911 late one night.
The dispatcher answers “911, what is your emergency?”
“There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed.”
“A breaking and entering? We’ll have an officer over in an hour.”
“An hour? But they won’t be here in an hour. They’re breaking and entering now.”
“Ma’am, no officers are available right now. We’ll send a squad car by in an hour.”
The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“I’m the lady who called about the two men breaking into my shed. You don’t have to send anyone. They are unconscious now something happens to them.”
Within a few minutes, there are police all over her yard.
The men are apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene goes up to take the woman’s statement.
“One other thing… I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?”
“And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available.”
A senior citizens group charters a bus
A old couple in an old folks home
An old lady calls 911 late one night.
So an old lady calls 911 late one night.
The dispatcher answers “911, what is your emergency?”
“There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed.”
“A breaking and entering? We’ll have an officer over in an hour.”
“An hour? But they won’t be here in an hour. They’re breaking and entering now.”
“Ma’am, no officers are available right now. We’ll send a squad car by in an hour.”
The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“I’m the lady who called about the two men breaking into my shed. You don’t have to send anyone. They are unconscious now something happens to them.”
Within a few minutes, there are police all over her yard.
The men are apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene goes up to take the woman’s statement.
“One other thing… I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?”
“And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available.”
A senior citizens group charters a bus
A old couple in an old folks home
30.
It was Christmas Eve, and a woman returned home to her husband after a long day of shopping.
That night, as she got ready for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
Curious, he asked, “What’s that?”
She replied, “I went to the tattoo parlor today. I got ‘Merry Christmas’ tattooed on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the other.”
Confused, he asked, “Why would you do that?”
With a cheeky grin, she answered, “Now you can’t say there’s nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!”
A woman went to police station
They approach the clerk
It was Christmas Eve, and a woman returned home to her husband after a long day of shopping.
That night, as she got ready for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
Curious, he asked, “What’s that?”
She replied, “I went to the tattoo parlor today. I got ‘Merry Christmas’ tattooed on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the other.”
Confused, he asked, “Why would you do that?”
With a cheeky grin, she answered, “Now you can’t say there’s nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!”
A woman went to police station
They approach the clerk
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