1.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said,
“If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there!”
A frog in a trap
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said,
“If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there!”
A frog in a trap
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
2.
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’
The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.
‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’
The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.
‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…
‘POTATOES POTATOES!’
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
Three girls all worked in the same office
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’
The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.
‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’
The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.
‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…
‘POTATOES POTATOES!’
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
Three girls all worked in the same office
3.
A man and his wife enter a dentist’s office.
The wife says “I need a tooth pulled.
No gas or Novocain!
I’m in a terrible hurry.
Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave woman,” says the dentist.
“Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The wife turns to her husband and says:
“Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is,dear”
A man and his wife were driving
Johnny teacher was giving a lesson
A man and his wife enter a dentist’s office.
The wife says “I need a tooth pulled.
No gas or Novocain!
I’m in a terrible hurry.
Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave woman,” says the dentist.
“Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The wife turns to her husband and says:
“Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is,dear”
A man and his wife were driving
Johnny teacher was giving a lesson
4.
Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a protection onto his weapon.
In an attempt to hide his full self enjoyment, Johnny’s father bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, “What ya doing’, Dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Johnny replied, “What ya gonna do, bang him?”
A queer couple celebrating birthday
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a protection onto his weapon.
In an attempt to hide his full self enjoyment, Johnny’s father bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, “What ya doing’, Dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Johnny replied, “What ya gonna do, bang him?”
A queer couple celebrating birthday
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
5.
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home.
There, she counted the money it was $50,000!
The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back”.
She said, “Finders keepers” and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.
One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
She said: “No.”
The husband said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
She said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man said: “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.”
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: “We’re outta here!”
She asked her mother to go out
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home.
There, she counted the money it was $50,000!
The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back”.
She said, “Finders keepers” and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.
One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
She said: “No.”
The husband said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
She said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man said: “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.”
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: “We’re outta here!”
She asked her mother to go out
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa
6.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!”
“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special you see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The cop says woman
Fox & Grapes
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
“Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
“No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.”
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded.
“That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!”
“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered.
“The frog was really nothing special you see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The cop says woman
Fox & Grapes
7.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
8.
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde.
“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde,
“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”
One man was reading the newspaper
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde.
“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde,
“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”
One man was reading the newspaper
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
9.
A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in 3rd grade class.
The boy said, “Teacher, I should be in 4th grade. I am smarter than my sister is & she’s in 4th grade”.
The Teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from the 4th grade.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right.
The principal told the Teacher to send the boy to 4th grade immediately.
The Teacher decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Teacher: What is in your trousers that I don’t have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal’s eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Teacher: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: OH MY GOD.
Teacher: What starts with ‘F’ and ends wit a ‘K’ and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher: What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!
Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!
Teacher: What gets longer when pulled, fits between melons, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?
Boy: A seat belt.
Principal: Aaaah!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Teacher, “Send this bloody boy to the university. I got all the answers wrong myself!”
Two young lovers go up to the mountains
Two old men are sat on a bench
A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in 3rd grade class.
The boy said, “Teacher, I should be in 4th grade. I am smarter than my sister is & she’s in 4th grade”.
The Teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from the 4th grade.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right.
The principal told the Teacher to send the boy to 4th grade immediately.
The Teacher decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Teacher: What is in your trousers that I don’t have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal’s eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Teacher: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: OH MY GOD.
Teacher: What starts with ‘F’ and ends wit a ‘K’ and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher: What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!
Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!
Teacher: What gets longer when pulled, fits between melons, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?
Boy: A seat belt.
Principal: Aaaah!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Teacher, “Send this bloody boy to the university. I got all the answers wrong myself!”
Two young lovers go up to the mountains
Two old men are sat on a bench
10.
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from the nearby fence, and knocks the dog out.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young 49ers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were, ” said the reporter, who proceeds to write, “Little Oakland Raiders Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack.”
“I’m not a Raiders fan, either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or Raiders.
What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Punk Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A truck driver is driving through
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from the nearby fence, and knocks the dog out.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young 49ers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were, ” said the reporter, who proceeds to write, “Little Oakland Raiders Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack.”
“I’m not a Raiders fan, either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or Raiders.
What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Punk Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A truck driver is driving through
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11.
Joe was sitting at a bar.
He was totally depressed.
The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.
“I’ll never understand women.” said Joe.
“The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.”
“Wow! That’s quite some gift.” said the bartender.
“So why are you so dejected?”
“Well I thought about it for a while” said Joe, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”
A burglar is stalking stealthily around
An old owl was perched on a tree
Joe was sitting at a bar.
He was totally depressed.
The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.
“I’ll never understand women.” said Joe.
“The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.”
“Wow! That’s quite some gift.” said the bartender.
“So why are you so dejected?”
“Well I thought about it for a while” said Joe, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”
A burglar is stalking stealthily around
An old owl was perched on a tree
12.
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail.
Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.
They prayed a lot of course, and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, “you know sister, I am about to die, and there’s always been one thing I’ve wanted here on earth–to see a woman undressed. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, “well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man undreseed, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?”
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”
The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”
“Well,” responded the nun, “forget about me. Stick it in the camel!”
Joe grew up in a small town
Two buddies Bob and Earl
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail.
Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.
They prayed a lot of course, and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, “you know sister, I am about to die, and there’s always been one thing I’ve wanted here on earth–to see a woman undressed. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, “well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man undreseed, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?”
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”
The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”
“Well,” responded the nun, “forget about me. Stick it in the camel!”
Joe grew up in a small town
Two buddies Bob and Earl
13.
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor.
The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, “Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physical fitness.
Go home, relax a little, and if you’re still having trouble with your memories, just try to write things down so you can’t forget.”
Gleefully returning home with fears of permanent memory loss behind them, the couple decides to celebrate with a movie. In the middle of the movie, the older gentleman makes a move for the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” asks the wife
“Just going to grab some vanilla ice cream,” replies the husband
“Oh, grab me some too, then!” The man nodes his head in affirmation and begins his walk towards the kitchen.
“Shouldn’t you write it down like the doctor recommended?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream, I can remember.”
“In that case, throw some whipped cream and a cherry on top, why don’t ya?” The wife added Again the man nodded in affirmation and began walking towards the kitchen.
“Well shouldn’t you write it down?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I’ve got it,” the man replies growing weary of this conversation.
He is in the kitchen banging around for roughly 15 minutes and returns with two plates of steaming hot bacon and eggs. The wife looks at him utterly befuddled and says,
“Well hey, you forgot my toast!”
There was once a small town
A Texas State trooper pulled a car
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor.
The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, “Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physical fitness.
Go home, relax a little, and if you’re still having trouble with your memories, just try to write things down so you can’t forget.”
Gleefully returning home with fears of permanent memory loss behind them, the couple decides to celebrate with a movie. In the middle of the movie, the older gentleman makes a move for the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” asks the wife
“Just going to grab some vanilla ice cream,” replies the husband
“Oh, grab me some too, then!” The man nodes his head in affirmation and begins his walk towards the kitchen.
“Shouldn’t you write it down like the doctor recommended?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream, I can remember.”
“In that case, throw some whipped cream and a cherry on top, why don’t ya?” The wife added Again the man nodded in affirmation and began walking towards the kitchen.
“Well shouldn’t you write it down?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I’ve got it,” the man replies growing weary of this conversation.
He is in the kitchen banging around for roughly 15 minutes and returns with two plates of steaming hot bacon and eggs. The wife looks at him utterly befuddled and says,
“Well hey, you forgot my toast!”
There was once a small town
A Texas State trooper pulled a car
14.
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?”
The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure?
Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!”
The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
They each go into the woods find a bear
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?”
The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure?
Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!”
The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
They each go into the woods find a bear
15.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension
Yesterday someone stole my purse
It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope
Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna”
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read: “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
“PS – there was $4 missing
I think it must have been those thieving scoundrels at the Post Office!”
The snow in a one-horse open sleigh
A squirrel
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension
Yesterday someone stole my purse
It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope
Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna”
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read: “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
“PS – there was $4 missing
I think it must have been those thieving scoundrels at the Post Office!”
The snow in a one-horse open sleigh
A squirrel
16.
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup.
“I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you think that?” asks Quasimodo.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies.
“It’s just a hunch.”
The lady sitting next to a man
A office exec was interviewing a blonde
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup.
“I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you think that?” asks Quasimodo.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies.
“It’s just a hunch.”
The lady sitting next to a man
A office exec was interviewing a blonde
17.
I was playing a big game of hide and seek when I went camping with a big group.
We were devided in teams of two and we had to stay hidden in a big forrest for as long as possible.
I was put in a team with my little brother.
After searching for a good spot we eventually settled in a watchtower.
We agreed that one person stood watch and the other could rest.
My brother began on watch and I told him that we couldn’t talk because else someone may hear us.
So I said that he had to move his head up and down to give me a gesture that it was save to go to the toilet.
He asked me “really, isn’t that a bit overkill?” So I told him “yeah, I shit you nod
Ted was a young boy
A prist is drowing
I was playing a big game of hide and seek when I went camping with a big group.
We were devided in teams of two and we had to stay hidden in a big forrest for as long as possible.
I was put in a team with my little brother.
After searching for a good spot we eventually settled in a watchtower.
We agreed that one person stood watch and the other could rest.
My brother began on watch and I told him that we couldn’t talk because else someone may hear us.
So I said that he had to move his head up and down to give me a gesture that it was save to go to the toilet.
He asked me “really, isn’t that a bit overkill?” So I told him “yeah, I shit you nod
Ted was a young boy
A prist is drowing
18.
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
“Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all’ woman?” he said.
“We need the height and she gives us the length!” Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
“Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all’ woman?” he said.
“We need the height and she gives us the length!” Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
19.
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day.
Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. “Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?”
“Hmmm,” replied St. Peter, “I don’t recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let’s take it up with God and see what he says.”
So they approached God with their plea.
God sat for a moment, pondering the request.
Then he looked down and said, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage.
God paused for quite a while, musing over their request.
Then he spoke, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God’s permission for the third time to marry.
This time God smiled broadly and thundered, “Yes my children, you may marry!”
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until…
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good.
The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn’t last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder.
God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, “Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!”
This young couple invited their parson
He picked up the phone
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day.
Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. “Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?”
“Hmmm,” replied St. Peter, “I don’t recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let’s take it up with God and see what he says.”
So they approached God with their plea.
God sat for a moment, pondering the request.
Then he looked down and said, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage.
God paused for quite a while, musing over their request.
Then he spoke, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God’s permission for the third time to marry.
This time God smiled broadly and thundered, “Yes my children, you may marry!”
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until…
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good.
The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn’t last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder.
God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, “Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!”
This young couple invited their parson
He picked up the phone
20.
A man and his wife were at odds and not talking to each other.
In the evening, the man suddenly remembered that he needed his wife to wake him up the next day at 5 am so he could make it in time for a business flight.
Since he did not want to be the first to break the silence, he wrote to her on a piece of paper “Please wake me up at 5 am” and left the note on the bedside table.
The next morning the man woke up only to find that it was nine o’clock and he had missed the flight.
He jumped out of bed furiously to find out why his wife had not awakened him and came across a note on his bedside table.
The note read: “it’s 5 o’clock, wake up.”
Peter comes very drunk home
One man was reading the newspaper
A man and his wife were at odds and not talking to each other.
In the evening, the man suddenly remembered that he needed his wife to wake him up the next day at 5 am so he could make it in time for a business flight.
Since he did not want to be the first to break the silence, he wrote to her on a piece of paper “Please wake me up at 5 am” and left the note on the bedside table.
The next morning the man woke up only to find that it was nine o’clock and he had missed the flight.
He jumped out of bed furiously to find out why his wife had not awakened him and came across a note on his bedside table.
The note read: “it’s 5 o’clock, wake up.”
Peter comes very drunk home
One man was reading the newspaper
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21.
A queer couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, “We`be blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`be never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in His hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy`s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, “Well, I`d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
A Russian couple are walking
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
A queer couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, “We`be blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`be never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in His hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy`s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, “Well, I`d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
A Russian couple are walking
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
22.
As Mr.Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr.Smith told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so that try to take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the month he gave me and bought one
I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I;m ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing
The boss of a big company needed to call
As Mr.Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr.Smith told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so that try to take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the month he gave me and bought one
I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I;m ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing
The boss of a big company needed to call
23.
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband
24.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words are not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!”
“I remember that too,” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today!”
Roger is a hard worker
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words are not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!”
“I remember that too,” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today!”
Roger is a hard worker
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
25.
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.” “One dollar?” exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says,
“Could I have steak and chips?” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”
“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.”
The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home
A man calls his house
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.” “One dollar?” exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says,
“Could I have steak and chips?” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”
“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.”
The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home
A man calls his house
26.
A couple went for a cruise tour to enjoy their private honeymoon while leaving their children at home
Unfortunately, the cruise ship was sinking due to catastrophic weather condition.
The couple finally made their way to the lifeboat area but there was only space for one person left
The man jumped onto the lifeboat, leaving his wife on the sinking ship…
The wife stood on the sinking ship and shouted to her husband saying…
The teacher paused the above story and asked her students in the classroom, “Let us guess
What do you think she shouted to her husband?”
Most students answered altogether: “I hate you! I was blinded by love!”
The teacher noticed that there was a student who sat quietly and asked him
The student answered, “Teacher, I believe she would have shouted – Take care of our children!”
The teacher was shocked and asked: “Have you heard this story before?”
The student shook his head and said, “Nope, but before my mother passed away to disease, she told my father the exact same words!”
Two roosters fought for supremacy
While rummaging through the boat
A couple went for a cruise tour to enjoy their private honeymoon while leaving their children at home
Unfortunately, the cruise ship was sinking due to catastrophic weather condition.
The couple finally made their way to the lifeboat area but there was only space for one person left
The man jumped onto the lifeboat, leaving his wife on the sinking ship…
The wife stood on the sinking ship and shouted to her husband saying…
The teacher paused the above story and asked her students in the classroom, “Let us guess
What do you think she shouted to her husband?”
Most students answered altogether: “I hate you! I was blinded by love!”
The teacher noticed that there was a student who sat quietly and asked him
The student answered, “Teacher, I believe she would have shouted – Take care of our children!”
The teacher was shocked and asked: “Have you heard this story before?”
The student shook his head and said, “Nope, but before my mother passed away to disease, she told my father the exact same words!”
Two roosters fought for supremacy
While rummaging through the boat
27.
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked,
“Why are you home so early?”
He answered, “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.”
She said, “Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?”
Jimmy replied, “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?'”
What is politics
A husband and wife were driving through
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked,
“Why are you home so early?”
He answered, “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.”
She said, “Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?”
Jimmy replied, “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?'”
What is politics
A husband and wife were driving through
28.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground and called out “Daddy, come and see what these two funny spiders are doing.”
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention
He noticed she was looking at two Daddy Long legs in the process of making baby Daddy Long legs.
The Dad smiled and said “They’re just mating Sweetheart.”
“What do you call the spider on top?” the daughter asked.
“Daddy Long legs” the father replied
“So, the other one is a Mommy long legs?” the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear
Both of them are Daddy Long legs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then stood up, says “RIGHT!!” raises her foot and, *CRUNCH*, stomps them flat and said, “We’re having none of that Broke back-Mountain.
The John’s grandpa
Three brothers each marry a woman
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground and called out “Daddy, come and see what these two funny spiders are doing.”
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention
He noticed she was looking at two Daddy Long legs in the process of making baby Daddy Long legs.
The Dad smiled and said “They’re just mating Sweetheart.”
“What do you call the spider on top?” the daughter asked.
“Daddy Long legs” the father replied
“So, the other one is a Mommy long legs?” the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear
Both of them are Daddy Long legs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then stood up, says “RIGHT!!” raises her foot and, *CRUNCH*, stomps them flat and said, “We’re having none of that Broke back-Mountain.
The John’s grandpa
Three brothers each marry a woman
29.
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank.
They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob.
She turned to the blonde and asked her, “Now, do you remember what the plan is?”
The blonde sighed and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I remember…”
The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, “Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!”
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car… and waited… and waited… and waited… and waited.
After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank’s doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up.
The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it.
A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun.
The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind.
She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.
The security guard yelled, “Stop! Stop!” while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with the rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, “What the hell happened in there?!?”
The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, “What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!”
The brunette paused and yelled, “YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!”
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche
A old man in overalls sits on the porch
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank.
They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob.
She turned to the blonde and asked her, “Now, do you remember what the plan is?”
The blonde sighed and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I remember…”
The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, “Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!”
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car… and waited… and waited… and waited… and waited.
After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank’s doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up.
The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it.
A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun.
The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind.
She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.
The security guard yelled, “Stop! Stop!” while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with the rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, “What the hell happened in there?!?”
The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, “What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!”
The brunette paused and yelled, “YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!”
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche
A old man in overalls sits on the porch
30.
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband.
“A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?”
Susie asks her mummy
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband.
“A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?”
Susie asks her mummy
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
Tags:
Eng Jokes