1.
A woman starts dating a doctor.
She eventually becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do.
After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”
“Do you think it will work?” she asks.
“It’s worth a try,” he says.
The doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation, he goes to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”
“What happened?” asks the priest.
“You gave birth to a child!”
“But that’s impossible!” says the priest.
“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor.
“It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”
About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth.
One day, he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.”
The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?”
The priest replies, “I am your mother.
The archbishop is your father.”
Three women were sitting around
A old man goes to a church
A woman starts dating a doctor.
She eventually becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do.
After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”
“Do you think it will work?” she asks.
“It’s worth a try,” he says.
The doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation, he goes to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”
“What happened?” asks the priest.
“You gave birth to a child!”
“But that’s impossible!” says the priest.
“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor.
“It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”
About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth.
One day, he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.”
The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?”
The priest replies, “I am your mother.
The archbishop is your father.”
Three women were sitting around
A old man goes to a church
2.
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
“But what if my wife finds out?” asks Bill.
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!” said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife.
“I’ve tried that it didn’t work.”
There was a man sitting at a bar
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
“But what if my wife finds out?” asks Bill.
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!” said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife.
“I’ve tried that it didn’t work.”
There was a man sitting at a bar
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
3.
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated,
“This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
“One chalk mark $1 knowing where to put it $49,999”
A attorney arrived home late
Johnny is constantly late for school
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated,
“This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
“One chalk mark $1 knowing where to put it $49,999”
A attorney arrived home late
Johnny is constantly late for school
4.
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to lovemaking for the first time and the old woman said,
“I should tell you I have acute angina.”
The old man says, “I hope so.
You sure don’t have cute melons.”
Husband in bed with another woman
A old lady comes into the kitchen
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to lovemaking for the first time and the old woman said,
“I should tell you I have acute angina.”
The old man says, “I hope so.
You sure don’t have cute melons.”
Husband in bed with another woman
A old lady comes into the kitchen
5.
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner walked into a small clothing store in the mall with her English speaking fiance.
“Excuse me,” said her fiance with just a touch of an accent, “would it be OK with you if my Fiancee tried on the dress in the window?”
“Listen” said the owner after just a brief pause, “business has been slow here for a while now, if you’re fine with her changing in the window, let her go on ahead, maybe it will bring in a few customers.”
Lisa a 16 year old girl
A lady rubbed a bottle
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner walked into a small clothing store in the mall with her English speaking fiance.
“Excuse me,” said her fiance with just a touch of an accent, “would it be OK with you if my Fiancee tried on the dress in the window?”
“Listen” said the owner after just a brief pause, “business has been slow here for a while now, if you’re fine with her changing in the window, let her go on ahead, maybe it will bring in a few customers.”
Lisa a 16 year old girl
A lady rubbed a bottle
6.
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”
The second kid replies,”Yeah?
Well, that’s nothing.
“My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the night shift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”
Three boys are in the schoolyard
A guy is walking down the street
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”
The second kid replies,”Yeah?
Well, that’s nothing.
“My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the night shift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”
Three boys are in the schoolyard
A guy is walking down the street
7.
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.
At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
”Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow,” the man exclaimed.
“What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.
3 guys crash land on an island
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.
At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
”Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow,” the man exclaimed.
“What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.
3 guys crash land on an island
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
8.
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
“She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor.
“She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He damn near died on us.
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
“Omigod!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
“She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor.
“She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He damn near died on us.
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
“Omigod!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend
9.
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson.
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?”
Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.”
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says,
“They are very fashionable.” The teacher says,
“Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.”
Johnny thinks for a moment and then says,
“Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy ‘Darling how does my dictate
Man looks at his friend
A priest is walking down the river
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson.
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?”
Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.”
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says,
“They are very fashionable.” The teacher says,
“Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.”
Johnny thinks for a moment and then says,
“Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy ‘Darling how does my dictate
Man looks at his friend
A priest is walking down the river
10.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel..’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
A man dive in a nearby lake
A old man is walking along the street
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel..’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
A man dive in a nearby lake
A old man is walking along the street
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11.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money
Many people had tried…
over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “OK”; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow But the Crowd’s laughter turned to total silence…
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little fellow quietly replied: “I work for the Australian Taxation Office
A doctor entered the hospital
The first snow of the season
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money
Many people had tried…
over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “OK”; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow But the Crowd’s laughter turned to total silence…
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little fellow quietly replied: “I work for the Australian Taxation Office
A doctor entered the hospital
The first snow of the season
12.
Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage.
One of the men says, “I have it the worst.
My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!.
She refuses!” The other men shake their heads.
One of them asks, “what did you do about it?”
The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table.
Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.” The men laugh.
The second man says, “You think that’s bad?
My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!”
The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?”
The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table.
She’ll literally do any guy.”
The men laugh, then the third man says,
“That too bad for you guys, but honestly,
I definitely have it the worst.”
The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?”
The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool.
A woman was having an affair
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather
Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage.
One of the men says, “I have it the worst.
My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!.
She refuses!” The other men shake their heads.
One of them asks, “what did you do about it?”
The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table.
Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.” The men laugh.
The second man says, “You think that’s bad?
My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!”
The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?”
The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table.
She’ll literally do any guy.”
The men laugh, then the third man says,
“That too bad for you guys, but honestly,
I definitely have it the worst.”
The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?”
The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool.
A woman was having an affair
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather
13.
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny wee man, if he stood sideways you would not see him wearing scratched glasses, a ten-year-old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it, and a drop fell into the glass.
Then he squeezed some more, and another drop fell from the lemon.
Without a word, the wee man squeezed some more, and a third drop fell into the glass.
The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless.
As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied: “I’m a tax collector.”
Two men died and went to Heaven
A elderly man goes into confession
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny wee man, if he stood sideways you would not see him wearing scratched glasses, a ten-year-old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it, and a drop fell into the glass.
Then he squeezed some more, and another drop fell from the lemon.
Without a word, the wee man squeezed some more, and a third drop fell into the glass.
The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless.
As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied: “I’m a tax collector.”
Two men died and went to Heaven
A elderly man goes into confession
14.
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.
“Mrs. Brown,” he said, “I have some good news for you.”
The woman said, “I’m glad of that doctor, but I’m Miss Brown,”
“Miss Brown,” said the doctor without changing expression, “I have bad news for you.”
A old couple go to a doctor
A blonde and lawyer are play a game
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.
“Mrs. Brown,” he said, “I have some good news for you.”
The woman said, “I’m glad of that doctor, but I’m Miss Brown,”
“Miss Brown,” said the doctor without changing expression, “I have bad news for you.”
A old couple go to a doctor
A blonde and lawyer are play a game
15.
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people’s problems.
I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”
The others nodded in agreement
Suddenly, one of them said, “Wait a minute, we can forgive other people’s sins, why don’t we just confess to each other?”
The others were hesitant at this proposition, but eventually one of them said, “My brothers, I have a great sin to confess: I am an incurable gambler, and sometimes I steal money from the alms box…”
The others were taken aback by this, but forgave their fellow priest.
The next one said, “Brother, your sin is nothing compared to mine – I’m a lecherous womanizer!
There’s not a woman between 18 and 85 in my congregation that I haven’t been with!”
The others were surprised, but still forgave their fellow priest.
The third priest, who was 90 years old, was unwilling to confess his greatest sin.
After some coaxing, he finally said, “Okay then
My brothers, I am a notorious tattletale – I can never seem to keep my mouth shut…”
A beautiful parrot
A priest was being honoured
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people’s problems.
I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”
The others nodded in agreement
Suddenly, one of them said, “Wait a minute, we can forgive other people’s sins, why don’t we just confess to each other?”
The others were hesitant at this proposition, but eventually one of them said, “My brothers, I have a great sin to confess: I am an incurable gambler, and sometimes I steal money from the alms box…”
The others were taken aback by this, but forgave their fellow priest.
The next one said, “Brother, your sin is nothing compared to mine – I’m a lecherous womanizer!
There’s not a woman between 18 and 85 in my congregation that I haven’t been with!”
The others were surprised, but still forgave their fellow priest.
The third priest, who was 90 years old, was unwilling to confess his greatest sin.
After some coaxing, he finally said, “Okay then
My brothers, I am a notorious tattletale – I can never seem to keep my mouth shut…”
A beautiful parrot
A priest was being honoured
16.
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
17.
70 year-old Mrs Potts went to the doctor for her annual check up.
He told her she needed more activity and recommended make love three times a week.
She said to the doctor, “Please, tell my husband.”
The doctor went out to the waiting room and told Mr Potts that his wife needed to have lovemaking three times a week.
The eighty-year-old husband replied, “Which days?”
“How about Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?”
“I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday,”
The man said, “but on Fridays she’ll have to take the bus.”
A old man who loves to fish
The boss joined a group of his workers
70 year-old Mrs Potts went to the doctor for her annual check up.
He told her she needed more activity and recommended make love three times a week.
She said to the doctor, “Please, tell my husband.”
The doctor went out to the waiting room and told Mr Potts that his wife needed to have lovemaking three times a week.
The eighty-year-old husband replied, “Which days?”
“How about Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?”
“I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday,”
The man said, “but on Fridays she’ll have to take the bus.”
A old man who loves to fish
The boss joined a group of his workers
18.
A man went to the doctor’s.
The doctor came in and said, “Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”
The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.
The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you’d like.
The man’s brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman’s brain costs “30,000.00.”
The patient could not help but ask, “Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?”
The doctor replied, “The female brain is used.”
George goes to the doctor
A man walk into a supermarket
A man went to the doctor’s.
The doctor came in and said, “Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”
The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.
The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you’d like.
The man’s brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman’s brain costs “30,000.00.”
The patient could not help but ask, “Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?”
The doctor replied, “The female brain is used.”
George goes to the doctor
A man walk into a supermarket
19.
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced “Please prepare for a crash landing.”
The first lady put on all her jewelry.
Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions.
The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first.
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and corset.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great melons
and will take me first.
The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and underwear.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first.
A firefighter is working on the engine
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced “Please prepare for a crash landing.”
The first lady put on all her jewelry.
Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions.
The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first.
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and corset.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great melons
and will take me first.
The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and underwear.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first.
A firefighter is working on the engine
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
20.
A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”
The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.
Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”
The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. “Oh no. What did he name them?”
“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.
The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad. What about the boy?”
“Denephew.”
A judge was interviewing a woman
The passenger window and tapped lightly
A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”
The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.
Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”
The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. “Oh no. What did he name them?”
“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.
The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad. What about the boy?”
“Denephew.”
A judge was interviewing a woman
The passenger window and tapped lightly
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21.
John goes to the deli for some soup.
After he’s seated and about to eat he calls the waiter over.
When the waiter comes he says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “Why what’s wrong with the soup?”
John says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “John, you’ve come in here for thirty years and you always get the soup, you’ve never complained before.”
John says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “What? What is it? If you don’t want the chicken soup we have other kinds vegetable, Italian Minestrone?”
John says, “Taste this soup!”
The waiter finally agrees, “Fine John, fine! I’ll taste the soup”.
He leans over the table prepared to taste the soup, he hesitates and says, “Where’s your spoon?”
“Exactly,” says John, “Where’s my bloody spoon?”
A man wakes up and looks at his clock
A young blonde lady went on a tour
John goes to the deli for some soup.
After he’s seated and about to eat he calls the waiter over.
When the waiter comes he says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “Why what’s wrong with the soup?”
John says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “John, you’ve come in here for thirty years and you always get the soup, you’ve never complained before.”
John says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “What? What is it? If you don’t want the chicken soup we have other kinds vegetable, Italian Minestrone?”
John says, “Taste this soup!”
The waiter finally agrees, “Fine John, fine! I’ll taste the soup”.
He leans over the table prepared to taste the soup, he hesitates and says, “Where’s your spoon?”
“Exactly,” says John, “Where’s my bloody spoon?”
A man wakes up and looks at his clock
A young blonde lady went on a tour
22.
A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them.’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.
‘On the PA system: ‘Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’
A man and his wife went without talking
A husband and his wife are having a fight
A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them.’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.
‘On the PA system: ‘Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’
A man and his wife went without talking
A husband and his wife are having a fight
23.
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man,
tossed his trousers to his new bride and said:
“Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband,
“and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the one who wears the trousers in this relationship.”
With that she flipped him her knickers and said:
“Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said.
“I can’t get into your knickers!”
She replied:
“That’s right… and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
Two women were playing golf
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man,
tossed his trousers to his new bride and said:
“Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband,
“and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the one who wears the trousers in this relationship.”
With that she flipped him her knickers and said:
“Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said.
“I can’t get into your knickers!”
She replied:
“That’s right… and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
Two women were playing golf
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines
24.
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey.
He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend.
He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman’s phone number.
Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:
“Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you’re not getting anything from me.”
The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response.
He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:
“Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I’m driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.
But If you think I’m cutting off two inches for you, you can fuck right off.”
He went to the doctor
A doctor takes off his glasses
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey.
He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend.
He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman’s phone number.
Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:
“Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you’re not getting anything from me.”
The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response.
He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:
“Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I’m driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.
But If you think I’m cutting off two inches for you, you can fuck right off.”
He went to the doctor
A doctor takes off his glasses
25.
Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in.
While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches and other valuables.
As the robbers moved down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant.
“What’s this?” said the second accountant without looking down.
His colleague replied: “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
A call girl brings a client
A country guy in a bar
Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in.
While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches and other valuables.
As the robbers moved down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant.
“What’s this?” said the second accountant without looking down.
His colleague replied: “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
A call girl brings a client
A country guy in a bar
26.
An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”
Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.
To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58.
Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??”
The Engineer put down his drink and said, “Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.” These Engineers… I tell you… They think of everything.
A very sick woman on her bed
Two deaf men were talking
An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”
Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.
To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58.
Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??”
The Engineer put down his drink and said, “Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.” These Engineers… I tell you… They think of everything.
A very sick woman on her bed
Two deaf men were talking
27.
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
“You know why I love this bar?” asks the first one.
“No,” says the second guy.
“Why do you love this bar?”
The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground.
“It has a magic window,” he says.
“You jump out of that window, and you can fly.”
The second guy just shakes his head. “Shut up.”
“No,” says the first guy.
“It really is a magic window. I’ll prove it to you.”
So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies.
He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in.
He walks to his bar stool, and takes a sip of his drink. “See?” he says.
The first guy looks confused.
He looks at his drink. “I must be drunk,” he says.
“Still don’t believe me?” asks the second guy.
“I’ll show you again.”
He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again.
This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives.
When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.
“Wow,” says the second guy. “A magic window.”
He gets off his bar stool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death.
The first guy starts laughing.
The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face.
“Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk.”
A woman was very distraught
The ticket girl said
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
“You know why I love this bar?” asks the first one.
“No,” says the second guy.
“Why do you love this bar?”
The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground.
“It has a magic window,” he says.
“You jump out of that window, and you can fly.”
The second guy just shakes his head. “Shut up.”
“No,” says the first guy.
“It really is a magic window. I’ll prove it to you.”
So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies.
He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in.
He walks to his bar stool, and takes a sip of his drink. “See?” he says.
The first guy looks confused.
He looks at his drink. “I must be drunk,” he says.
“Still don’t believe me?” asks the second guy.
“I’ll show you again.”
He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again.
This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives.
When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.
“Wow,” says the second guy. “A magic window.”
He gets off his bar stool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death.
The first guy starts laughing.
The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face.
“Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk.”
A woman was very distraught
The ticket girl said
28.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table…
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,”
she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is.
He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A Mafia Godfather finds out
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table…
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,”
she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is.
He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A Mafia Godfather finds out
29.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension yesterday someone stole my purse it had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment next Sunday is Christmas.
And I had invited two of my friends over for dinner without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
He goes to his local priest
A car accident
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension yesterday someone stole my purse it had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment next Sunday is Christmas.
And I had invited two of my friends over for dinner without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
He goes to his local priest
A car accident
30.
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.”
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer;
had an affair with his boss’ wife; had make love with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs;
had several affairs; was arrested several times for public undressed and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things…
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician.
“In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Two hunters from Moscow charter
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.”
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer;
had an affair with his boss’ wife; had make love with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs;
had several affairs; was arrested several times for public undressed and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things…
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician.
“In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Two hunters from Moscow charter
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
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Eng Jokes