1.
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen aged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
A old man lived in the village
A shepherd and a huge flock of sheep
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen aged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
A old man lived in the village
A shepherd and a huge flock of sheep
2.
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
“Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years.
If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,
“Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe.
“I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says, “is that there’s football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” says Mike.
“It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !!!”
Friends rock! heaven or he..
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation
A pig walks into a bar and orders
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
“Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years.
If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,
“Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe.
“I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says, “is that there’s football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” says Mike.
“It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !!!”
Friends rock! heaven or he..
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation
A pig walks into a bar and orders
3.
A guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”
The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find.
The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge mickey, the doctor says that’s the problem right there!
That weapon is so big it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing the stutter, we have several smaller transplants we can choose from and remove the big one.
So the guy agrees and has the surgery, a month later he goes back to see the doctor and says, “hey doc I can speak fantastically with no stutter, but my wife isn’t satisfied so I need my old roger back.”
The doctor says, “ffffVck yyyou.”
Johnny and Susie were playing
The nurse asks him
A guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”
The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find.
The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge mickey, the doctor says that’s the problem right there!
That weapon is so big it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing the stutter, we have several smaller transplants we can choose from and remove the big one.
So the guy agrees and has the surgery, a month later he goes back to see the doctor and says, “hey doc I can speak fantastically with no stutter, but my wife isn’t satisfied so I need my old roger back.”
The doctor says, “ffffVck yyyou.”
Johnny and Susie were playing
The nurse asks him
4.
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said to the doctor.
“I haven’t moved my bowels in more than a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Oh, yes,” Aunt Cora replied,
“I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said,
“I mean do you take anything?”
“Of course I do.” she answered,
“I take a magazine.”
He gets a checkup with his physician
A old man was seated by the shoreline
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said to the doctor.
“I haven’t moved my bowels in more than a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Oh, yes,” Aunt Cora replied,
“I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said,
“I mean do you take anything?”
“Of course I do.” she answered,
“I take a magazine.”
He gets a checkup with his physician
A old man was seated by the shoreline
5.
An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall.
After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a my-a Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers that she hasn’t seen her husband.
So the Italian woman goes to asks another saleswoman:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
“No, I’m sorry ma’am, I haven’t seen your husband.”
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers: “Yes I saw him, he ran out of here rickety split.”
To which the Italian woman answers: “No no no, that’s not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the melons but he no rickety split!”
He passed his parent’s room
The husband and wife have a quarrel
An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall.
After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a my-a Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers that she hasn’t seen her husband.
So the Italian woman goes to asks another saleswoman:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
“No, I’m sorry ma’am, I haven’t seen your husband.”
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers: “Yes I saw him, he ran out of here rickety split.”
To which the Italian woman answers: “No no no, that’s not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the melons but he no rickety split!”
He passed his parent’s room
The husband and wife have a quarrel
6.
An elderly woman went to the doctor complaining of recent intestinal problems.
“Doctor I have terrible gas lately, but it doesn’t smell or make noise.”
The doctor prescribed some pills and told the elderly woman to return in two weeks.
After two weeks the woman returned to the doctor saying, “Doctor, I don’t know what were in those pills, but now my gas smells terrible!”
The doctor said, “I see we have cleared up your sinuses. Now let’s work on your hearing.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole
An elderly woman went to the doctor complaining of recent intestinal problems.
“Doctor I have terrible gas lately, but it doesn’t smell or make noise.”
The doctor prescribed some pills and told the elderly woman to return in two weeks.
After two weeks the woman returned to the doctor saying, “Doctor, I don’t know what were in those pills, but now my gas smells terrible!”
The doctor said, “I see we have cleared up your sinuses. Now let’s work on your hearing.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole
7.
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’
The guy replies,’ I’ m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn
He stands self enjoyment and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
Just a minute, ‘says the good father.
‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be? ‘Up here we go by results,’ says Saint Peter.
‘When you preached people slept when he flew, people prayed.’
There was an old man who had a dream
A man celebrating his 100th birthday
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’
The guy replies,’ I’ m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn
He stands self enjoyment and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
Just a minute, ‘says the good father.
‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be? ‘Up here we go by results,’ says Saint Peter.
‘When you preached people slept when he flew, people prayed.’
There was an old man who had a dream
A man celebrating his 100th birthday
8.
A water bearer in India had two large pots, one hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house.
The cracked pot arrived only half full for a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master’s house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.
“I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.”
“Why?” asked the bearer.“What are you ashamed of?”
“I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house.
Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”
Tom was in his early
The girls were beginning to use lipstick
A water bearer in India had two large pots, one hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house.
The cracked pot arrived only half full for a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master’s house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.
“I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.”
“Why?” asked the bearer.“What are you ashamed of?”
“I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house.
Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”
Tom was in his early
The girls were beginning to use lipstick
9.
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his.
The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said:
Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”
The lawyer replied: Of course, how much was the roast?
“$7.98.”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
Queensland farmers Jim and Bob
Little Willie came home in a sad
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his.
The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said:
Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”
The lawyer replied: Of course, how much was the roast?
“$7.98.”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
Queensland farmers Jim and Bob
Little Willie came home in a sad
10.
Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.”
Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example.
I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government.
We take care of your needs, so let’s call you The People.
We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future.
Do you understand son?”
Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.”
That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong.
Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep.
He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.
The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: “Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.”
Father: “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”
Son: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is lovemaking the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and The Future is in deep shit
A flat-chested young lady
Man looks at his friend
Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.”
Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example.
I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government.
We take care of your needs, so let’s call you The People.
We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future.
Do you understand son?”
Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.”
That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong.
Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep.
He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.
The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: “Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.”
Father: “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”
Son: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is lovemaking the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and The Future is in deep shit
A flat-chested young lady
Man looks at his friend
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11.
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time every day he was five, ten or fifteen minutes late.
But as he was a good worker and very sharp, the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.
“Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player.
That’s what I like to hear It’s odd though, your coming in late.
I know you’re retired from the Air Force what did they say if you came in late there?”
“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”
Edna are both mental patients
A water bearer in India had two large pot
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time every day he was five, ten or fifteen minutes late.
But as he was a good worker and very sharp, the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.
“Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player.
That’s what I like to hear It’s odd though, your coming in late.
I know you’re retired from the Air Force what did they say if you came in late there?”
“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”
Edna are both mental patients
A water bearer in India had two large pot
12.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle he’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something It’s driving me crazy, It’s all I think about I can’t sleep just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A married couple is driving along
A frog and an iguana
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle he’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something It’s driving me crazy, It’s all I think about I can’t sleep just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A married couple is driving along
A frog and an iguana
13.
A man was being interviewed for a job.
“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man walks into a bank and says
A man was being interviewed for a job.
“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man walks into a bank and says
14.
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude.?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
A drunk stumbled out the door
Joan invited some people to dinner
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude.?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
A drunk stumbled out the door
Joan invited some people to dinner
15.
A young blonde lady went on a tour trip on an old steam train that took the passengers through mountains and tunnels.
As the train approached a tunnel, the conductor hurriedly walked through the coaches warning passengers,
“Tunnel ahead. Look out!”
The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met with the concrete entrance of the tunnel.
After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde’s words were, “That stupid son of a b!tch he should have told me to look in!”
John goes to the deli for some soup
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
A young blonde lady went on a tour trip on an old steam train that took the passengers through mountains and tunnels.
As the train approached a tunnel, the conductor hurriedly walked through the coaches warning passengers,
“Tunnel ahead. Look out!”
The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met with the concrete entrance of the tunnel.
After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde’s words were, “That stupid son of a b!tch he should have told me to look in!”
John goes to the deli for some soup
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
16.
There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar.
The bar tender says, “If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then “POOF” you’ll disappear.”
So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, “I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!”, “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Then the brunette goes in. “I think that i am the smartest woman in the world,” “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn.
She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror.
She waits… nothing happens… she is glad.
She stands bravely and states, “I think… “POOF ” she disappears.
A old man was a witness in a burglary case
A man got really drunk one night
There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar.
The bar tender says, “If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then “POOF” you’ll disappear.”
So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, “I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!”, “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Then the brunette goes in. “I think that i am the smartest woman in the world,” “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn.
She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror.
She waits… nothing happens… she is glad.
She stands bravely and states, “I think… “POOF ” she disappears.
A old man was a witness in a burglary case
A man got really drunk one night
17.
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
18.
John goes to the deli for some soup.
After he’s seated and about to eat he calls the waiter over.
When the waiter comes he says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “Why what’s wrong with the soup?”
John says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “John, you’ve come in here for thirty years and you always get the soup, you’ve never complained before.”
John says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “What? What is it? If you don’t want the chicken soup we have other kinds vegetable, Italian Minestrone?”
John says, “Taste this soup!”
The waiter finally agrees, “Fine John, fine! I’ll taste the soup”.
He leans over the table prepared to taste the soup, he hesitates and says, “Where’s your spoon?”
“Exactly,” says John, “Where’s my bloody spoon?”
A man wakes up and looks at his clock
A young blonde lady went on a tour
John goes to the deli for some soup.
After he’s seated and about to eat he calls the waiter over.
When the waiter comes he says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “Why what’s wrong with the soup?”
John says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “John, you’ve come in here for thirty years and you always get the soup, you’ve never complained before.”
John says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “What? What is it? If you don’t want the chicken soup we have other kinds vegetable, Italian Minestrone?”
John says, “Taste this soup!”
The waiter finally agrees, “Fine John, fine! I’ll taste the soup”.
He leans over the table prepared to taste the soup, he hesitates and says, “Where’s your spoon?”
“Exactly,” says John, “Where’s my bloody spoon?”
A man wakes up and looks at his clock
A young blonde lady went on a tour
19.
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.
“Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
“I will grant you one wish just one.”
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”
The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ???”
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled
This guy come into a bar and asks bartender
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.
“Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
“I will grant you one wish just one.”
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”
The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ???”
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled
This guy come into a bar and asks bartender
20.
One night, Little johnny wakes up and decides he needs to take a p!ss.
So he gets out of bed and on his way to the toilet he stops by his mom and dad’s room and catches them having lovemaking, he then says “Dad what are you doing with mom?”
His dad replies “I’m playing poker, your mum my partner now get lost!”
Then he stops by his sister’s room and this time catches her and her boyfriend having lovemaking and says “What are you doing?”
To which she replies: “I’m playing poker, my boyfriends my partner now go to bed you little freak!”
About an hour later little johnny’s Dad walks into his bedroom and says: “Johnny what are you doing.”
Johnny replies I’m playing poker, why?
“Who’s your partner then?” his dad asks.
To which Johnny says: “Who needs a partner when you’ve got a good hand.”
A depressed man walks into a bar
A father is talking to his son about girls
One night, Little johnny wakes up and decides he needs to take a p!ss.
So he gets out of bed and on his way to the toilet he stops by his mom and dad’s room and catches them having lovemaking, he then says “Dad what are you doing with mom?”
His dad replies “I’m playing poker, your mum my partner now get lost!”
Then he stops by his sister’s room and this time catches her and her boyfriend having lovemaking and says “What are you doing?”
To which she replies: “I’m playing poker, my boyfriends my partner now go to bed you little freak!”
About an hour later little johnny’s Dad walks into his bedroom and says: “Johnny what are you doing.”
Johnny replies I’m playing poker, why?
“Who’s your partner then?” his dad asks.
To which Johnny says: “Who needs a partner when you’ve got a good hand.”
A depressed man walks into a bar
A father is talking to his son about girls
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21.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde goes to the local bar
A lawyer defending a man accused
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde goes to the local bar
A lawyer defending a man accused
22.
A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone’s cow.
He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.
The priest forgave him in God’s name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.
The thief asks, “Will you take the cow, then, Father?”
The priest says, “No my son, I cannot accept.”
The confessor thief leaves.
Hours later, the priest clocks off and returns home.
Only to realize… his cow was missing.
A elderly man goes into a mental institution
Three babies are in their mother
A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone’s cow.
He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.
The priest forgave him in God’s name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.
The thief asks, “Will you take the cow, then, Father?”
The priest says, “No my son, I cannot accept.”
The confessor thief leaves.
Hours later, the priest clocks off and returns home.
Only to realize… his cow was missing.
A elderly man goes into a mental institution
Three babies are in their mother
23.
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business.
When the gorgeous woman next to him started to feed her baby.
The baby wouldn’t take it so she said,
“Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding,
So she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business.
When the gorgeous woman next to him started to feed her baby.
The baby wouldn’t take it so she said,
“Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding,
So she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
24.
A couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her bum and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”
“I found the remote,” he said.
A old couple finally decide
This Asian lady married to an English man
A couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her bum and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”
“I found the remote,” he said.
A old couple finally decide
This Asian lady married to an English man
25.
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.
‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, ‘What the hell was that for?’
‘Your horse called!’
A guy gets home late one night
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.
‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, ‘What the hell was that for?’
‘Your horse called!’
A guy gets home late one night
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
26.
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.”
So he continued: “Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator.
She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you.
Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, “Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use any more?”
Sam called his wife and said
A mother was working in the kitchen
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.”
So he continued: “Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator.
She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you.
Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, “Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use any more?”
Sam called his wife and said
A mother was working in the kitchen
27.
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake.
He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone.
So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.
He panicked, got out of the water, and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.
He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.as they got closer.
The ladies looked at him and giggled.
Then one of the ladies said: ‘You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.’
‘Impossible’, said the embarrassed man,
‘You really know what I think?’
‘Yes’, the lady replied, ‘Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.’
A man was dragged to the cinema by his wife
A man is getting into the shower
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake.
He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone.
So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.
He panicked, got out of the water, and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.
He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.as they got closer.
The ladies looked at him and giggled.
Then one of the ladies said: ‘You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.’
‘Impossible’, said the embarrassed man,
‘You really know what I think?’
‘Yes’, the lady replied, ‘Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.’
A man was dragged to the cinema by his wife
A man is getting into the shower
28.
A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup.
However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
“Sir, I–”
“Just taste it.”
“Fine, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”
“EXACTLY. BRING ME A G***DAMN SPOON.”
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
Sharing A Room
A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup.
However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
“Sir, I–”
“Just taste it.”
“Fine, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”
“EXACTLY. BRING ME A G***DAMN SPOON.”
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
Sharing A Room
29.
A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is ‘yes’.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper
Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway
A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is ‘yes’.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper
Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway
30.
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you She sat down and ate quietly Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth But I had to let her know what I was thinking I want a divorce I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, Why?
I avoided her question This made her angry She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other
She was weeping
I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage
But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane
I didn’t love her anymore I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces
The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger
I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see
To me her cry was actually a kind of release
The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table
I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing
I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
One day Nasreddin Hodja quarrelled
Arriving home from work
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you She sat down and ate quietly Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth But I had to let her know what I was thinking I want a divorce I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, Why?
I avoided her question This made her angry She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other
She was weeping
I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage
But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane
I didn’t love her anymore I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces
The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger
I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see
To me her cry was actually a kind of release
The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table
I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing
I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
One day Nasreddin Hodja quarrelled
Arriving home from work
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