1.
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
2.
Two man went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
The old man was a witness
A Scotsman drinking in a Havana bar
Two man went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
The old man was a witness
A Scotsman drinking in a Havana bar
3.
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?” he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
“Nah…” she shrugs.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what WOULD you like?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
Sorry,” John sighed. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
A man and his wife were having an argument
A couple is walking in East Berlin
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?” he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
“Nah…” she shrugs.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what WOULD you like?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
Sorry,” John sighed. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
A man and his wife were having an argument
A couple is walking in East Berlin
4.
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his make love life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having lovemaking?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“And how did she look?”
“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during make love. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his make love life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having lovemaking?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“And how did she look?”
“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during make love. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
5.
There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar.
The bar tender says, “If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then “POOF” you’ll disappear.”
So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, “I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!”, “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Then the brunette goes in. “I think that i am the smartest woman in the world,” “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn.
She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror.
She waits… nothing happens… she is glad.
She stands bravely and states, “I think… “POOF ” she disappears.
A old man was a witness in a burglary case
A man got really drunk one night
There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar.
The bar tender says, “If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then “POOF” you’ll disappear.”
So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, “I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!”, “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Then the brunette goes in. “I think that i am the smartest woman in the world,” “POOF” a hundred dollars pops out.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn.
She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror.
She waits… nothing happens… she is glad.
She stands bravely and states, “I think… “POOF ” she disappears.
A old man was a witness in a burglary case
A man got really drunk one night
6.
A secretary goes to the company stockroom and requisitions a box of pens.
The clerk fumbles around for a bit and then hands her a box of ballpoints.
The secretary returns to her desk, takes out a new pen and begins to write.
The pen skips and then stops giving out any ink.
Frustrated, she tries another pen and then another and another.
None of them work.
Returning to the stockroom, she slams down the box of defective pens and demands, “Why did you give me a box of pens that don’t work?”
The clerk answers, “Well, somebody has to use them!”
A little silver-haired lady
A man is in court for murder
A secretary goes to the company stockroom and requisitions a box of pens.
The clerk fumbles around for a bit and then hands her a box of ballpoints.
The secretary returns to her desk, takes out a new pen and begins to write.
The pen skips and then stops giving out any ink.
Frustrated, she tries another pen and then another and another.
None of them work.
Returning to the stockroom, she slams down the box of defective pens and demands, “Why did you give me a box of pens that don’t work?”
The clerk answers, “Well, somebody has to use them!”
A little silver-haired lady
A man is in court for murder
7.
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns.
The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says.
“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear.
He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”
Two tourists were driving through
A policeman stops a lady
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns.
The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says.
“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear.
He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”
Two tourists were driving through
A policeman stops a lady
8.
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the rubber pack display.
Boy: “Dad, why do they do packs of one protection?”
Dad: “Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights.”
Boy: “So, why do they make packs of three?”
Dad: “For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.”
Boy: “Then why do they make packs of 12?”
Dad: “Those are for married couples you know, January, February, March.”
A man runs to the doctor
Two couples go on vacation together
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the rubber pack display.
Boy: “Dad, why do they do packs of one protection?”
Dad: “Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights.”
Boy: “So, why do they make packs of three?”
Dad: “For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.”
Boy: “Then why do they make packs of 12?”
Dad: “Those are for married couples you know, January, February, March.”
A man runs to the doctor
Two couples go on vacation together
9.
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you She sat down and ate quietly Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth But I had to let her know what I was thinking I want a divorce I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, Why?
I avoided her question This made her angry She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other
She was weeping
I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage
But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane
I didn’t love her anymore I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces
The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger
I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see
To me her cry was actually a kind of release
The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table
I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing
I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
One day Nasreddin Hodja quarrelled
Arriving home from work
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you She sat down and ate quietly Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth But I had to let her know what I was thinking I want a divorce I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, Why?
I avoided her question This made her angry She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other
She was weeping
I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage
But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane
I didn’t love her anymore I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces
The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger
I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see
To me her cry was actually a kind of release
The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table
I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing
I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
One day Nasreddin Hodja quarrelled
Arriving home from work
10.
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.
At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
”Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow,” the man exclaimed.
“What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.
3 guys crash land on an island
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.
At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
”Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow,” the man exclaimed.
“What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.
3 guys crash land on an island
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
📚 Recommended Posts
They Stop At Gun Shop To Get All FunnyOne Sunday Morning Satan Appeared Funny
Funniest One Liners Quick Laughs For
Albert Einstein Quotes 02
Rebellious Vibes Epic Badass Quotes For
11.
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend.
She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.
A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
“Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.
“So would I,” replied the technician.
“It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”
Two little boys go into the grocery store
There were five people aboard an airplane
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend.
She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.
A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
“Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.
“So would I,” replied the technician.
“It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”
Two little boys go into the grocery store
There were five people aboard an airplane
12.
A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.” He needs our help and it’s the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son
A couple were making their first doctor visit
A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.” He needs our help and it’s the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son
A couple were making their first doctor visit
13.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life:
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said. “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.
“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head.
“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life:
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said. “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.
“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head.
“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
14.
A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers.
A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.
When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
“I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?”
The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.”
The company got a new number the next day.
A neighbor asked his friend
A waiter brings the customer the steak
A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers.
A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.
When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
“I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?”
The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.”
The company got a new number the next day.
A neighbor asked his friend
A waiter brings the customer the steak
15.
A woman had twin boys
Unfortunately, she was unable to keep them, so she put them up for adoption.
She was able to find loving homes for both of them overseas, but it was many years since she had seen them.
Then, just before their 21st birthday she got two letters, one from Egypt, the other from Spain.
Each son had tracked down their biological mother and wanted to visit her.
She was overjoyed; she would finally see her identical twin sons! Jamal from Egypt, and Juan from Spain!
Just before they were to come to visit, though, the woman got another letter from Egypt.
Unfortunately due to unseen circumstances, her son from Egypt was unable to visit that year.
She still got to see her son from Spain, though.
So her husband tried to console her, saying “Once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Jamal.”
A woman goes into a store
So my mom decided to sell her house
A woman had twin boys
Unfortunately, she was unable to keep them, so she put them up for adoption.
She was able to find loving homes for both of them overseas, but it was many years since she had seen them.
Then, just before their 21st birthday she got two letters, one from Egypt, the other from Spain.
Each son had tracked down their biological mother and wanted to visit her.
She was overjoyed; she would finally see her identical twin sons! Jamal from Egypt, and Juan from Spain!
Just before they were to come to visit, though, the woman got another letter from Egypt.
Unfortunately due to unseen circumstances, her son from Egypt was unable to visit that year.
She still got to see her son from Spain, though.
So her husband tried to console her, saying “Once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Jamal.”
A woman goes into a store
So my mom decided to sell her house
16.
Joan invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” Joan answered.
The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
The teacher of the earth science class
John and Tony were in the bar
Joan invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” Joan answered.
The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
The teacher of the earth science class
John and Tony were in the bar
17.
An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear.
The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem.
“Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”
The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper.
“Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?”
After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response.
Then again at 10 feet away and again no response.
Edward was lying on his deathbed
A blonde sitting in the first class
An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear.
The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem.
“Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”
The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper.
“Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?”
After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response.
Then again at 10 feet away and again no response.
Edward was lying on his deathbed
A blonde sitting in the first class
18.
A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A grandfather and grandson were hike together
A teacher said to her student
A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A grandfather and grandson were hike together
A teacher said to her student
19.
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner.
As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn’t happy about that: “When are you going to learn to be polite?”
Bill: “If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?”
Tom: “The smaller piece, of course.”
Bill: “What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?”
A explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner.
As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn’t happy about that: “When are you going to learn to be polite?”
Bill: “If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?”
Tom: “The smaller piece, of course.”
Bill: “What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?”
A explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard
20.
A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
Two men got out of their cars after they collided
After Brian proposed to Jill
A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
Two men got out of their cars after they collided
After Brian proposed to Jill
📚 Recommended Posts
They Stop At Gun Shop To Get All FunnyOne Sunday Morning Satan Appeared Funny
Funniest One Liners Quick Laughs For
Albert Einstein Quotes 02
Rebellious Vibes Epic Badass Quotes For
21.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry was sitting on a park bench debating what the meanest animal in the world was.
Bert said: “The meanest animal in the world is the hippopotamus because it’s got such huge jaws. One bite and you’re gone!”
Arnie shook his head and said: “No, the hippopotamus may be mean but he’s a private compared to an alligator.”
“An alligator’s got attitude, and one bite from those teeth, followed by the death roll, and you’re gone!”
Harry thought for a moment before saying: “As a matter of fact, you’re both wrong. The meanest animal in the world is a hippogator.”
Bert and Arnie laughed. “What the hell’s a hippogator?” they asked,
“There’s no such creature.”
“A hippogator”, explained Harry, “has got a hippo head on one end and an alligator head on the other.”
“Wait a minute!” interrupted Bert and Arnie.
“If he has a head-on both ends, how does he sh!t?”
“He doesn’t,” said Harry.
“That’s what makes him so mean.”
Three Old Men Were Sitting On A Park Bench.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
One evening a man was watching TV
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry was sitting on a park bench debating what the meanest animal in the world was.
Bert said: “The meanest animal in the world is the hippopotamus because it’s got such huge jaws. One bite and you’re gone!”
Arnie shook his head and said: “No, the hippopotamus may be mean but he’s a private compared to an alligator.”
“An alligator’s got attitude, and one bite from those teeth, followed by the death roll, and you’re gone!”
Harry thought for a moment before saying: “As a matter of fact, you’re both wrong. The meanest animal in the world is a hippogator.”
Bert and Arnie laughed. “What the hell’s a hippogator?” they asked,
“There’s no such creature.”
“A hippogator”, explained Harry, “has got a hippo head on one end and an alligator head on the other.”
“Wait a minute!” interrupted Bert and Arnie.
“If he has a head-on both ends, how does he sh!t?”
“He doesn’t,” said Harry.
“That’s what makes him so mean.”
Three Old Men Were Sitting On A Park Bench.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
One evening a man was watching TV
22.
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one.
But if he wants to, he can take the cat which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.
The next day the man goes back to store with scratches all over his body.
The clerk, shocked, asks the man what had happened with the cat.
The man replies: “Well, it was fine at first, he even managed to endure the funnel up his a*s… But when it came to the hot water…”
When I was married 25 years
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one.
But if he wants to, he can take the cat which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.
The next day the man goes back to store with scratches all over his body.
The clerk, shocked, asks the man what had happened with the cat.
The man replies: “Well, it was fine at first, he even managed to endure the funnel up his a*s… But when it came to the hot water…”
When I was married 25 years
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
23.
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A mother bought her young son a pet
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A mother bought her young son a pet
24.
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers:
“Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says:
“An Italian girl,…!!!”
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
“So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” She asked.
“The one I asked for – an Italian girl,..!!”
“Oh, that” she said,
“Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl,… !!!”
There are several men sitting
An elderly man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers:
“Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says:
“An Italian girl,…!!!”
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
“So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” She asked.
“The one I asked for – an Italian girl,..!!”
“Oh, that” she said,
“Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl,… !!!”
There are several men sitting
An elderly man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well
25.
A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in 3rd grade class.
The boy said, “Teacher, I should be in 4th grade. I am smarter than my sister is & she’s in 4th grade”.
The Teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from the 4th grade.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right.
The principal told the Teacher to send the boy to 4th grade immediately.
The Teacher decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Teacher: What is in your trousers that I don’t have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal’s eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Teacher: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: OH MY GOD.
Teacher: What starts with ‘F’ and ends wit a ‘K’ and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher: What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!
Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!
Teacher: What gets longer when pulled, fits between melons, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?
Boy: A seat belt.
Principal: Aaaah!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Teacher, “Send this bloody boy to the university. I got all the answers wrong myself!”
Two young lovers go up to the mountains
Two old men are sat on a bench
A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in 3rd grade class.
The boy said, “Teacher, I should be in 4th grade. I am smarter than my sister is & she’s in 4th grade”.
The Teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from the 4th grade.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right.
The principal told the Teacher to send the boy to 4th grade immediately.
The Teacher decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Teacher: What is in your trousers that I don’t have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal’s eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Teacher: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: OH MY GOD.
Teacher: What starts with ‘F’ and ends wit a ‘K’ and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher: What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!
Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!
Teacher: What gets longer when pulled, fits between melons, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?
Boy: A seat belt.
Principal: Aaaah!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Teacher, “Send this bloody boy to the university. I got all the answers wrong myself!”
Two young lovers go up to the mountains
Two old men are sat on a bench
26.
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
A mother was working in the kitchen
A woman is in bed with her lover
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
A mother was working in the kitchen
A woman is in bed with her lover
27.
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.
When I slipped a shoe onto one woman’s foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.
For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
“Look, Martha,” her friend said. “he wants to go home with you!”
A man walked into a bar and ordered
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.
When I slipped a shoe onto one woman’s foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.
For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
“Look, Martha,” her friend said. “he wants to go home with you!”
A man walked into a bar and ordered
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
28.
A police officer asks a thief.
“Why did you steal this stranger’s watch?”
The thief replies, “I didn’t steal it — he gave it to me!”
The policeman asks, “When did he give it to you?”
The thief tells him, “When I showed him the gun.”
God save the person
3 men are playing golf
A police officer asks a thief.
“Why did you steal this stranger’s watch?”
The thief replies, “I didn’t steal it — he gave it to me!”
The policeman asks, “When did he give it to you?”
The thief tells him, “When I showed him the gun.”
God save the person
3 men are playing golf
29.
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.
He pulls over and looks around, but can’t see anyone.
So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks, “What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?”
The truck driver thinks for a second and says, “Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up” to which the cop replied, “well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?”
Truck driver thinks for another second and says, “Well I was thinking I’d take him to the zoo.”
The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that’ll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop.
But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily,
“What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?”
“I did” exclaimed the truck driver “that was two weeks ago, I’m taking him to the cinema today”
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
Two Government maintenance guys
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.
He pulls over and looks around, but can’t see anyone.
So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks, “What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?”
The truck driver thinks for a second and says, “Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up” to which the cop replied, “well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?”
Truck driver thinks for another second and says, “Well I was thinking I’d take him to the zoo.”
The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that’ll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop.
But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily,
“What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?”
“I did” exclaimed the truck driver “that was two weeks ago, I’m taking him to the cinema today”
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
Two Government maintenance guys
30.
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.
She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, “My car broke down!
I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?”
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke.”
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer.
“Okay,” she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”
They say, “Huh?” She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.”
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later the old Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
The old Jed says, “Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says the old Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.”
“Me neither,” says Jed.
“Let’s take these things off.”
Dr. Darns said George
Mrs Jones told her pastor
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.
She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, “My car broke down!
I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?”
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke.”
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer.
“Okay,” she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”
They say, “Huh?” She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.”
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later the old Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
The old Jed says, “Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says the old Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.”
“Me neither,” says Jed.
“Let’s take these things off.”
Dr. Darns said George
Mrs Jones told her pastor
Tags:
Eng Jokes