1.
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
2.
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
3.
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,
“You appear to be in good health do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man.
“After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
“Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her,
“Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time do you know why?”
“Oh, that crazy old fart” she replied.
“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”
A young man was walking through a supermarket
A man was leaving a convenience store
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,
“You appear to be in good health do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man.
“After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
“Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her,
“Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time do you know why?”
“Oh, that crazy old fart” she replied.
“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”
A young man was walking through a supermarket
A man was leaving a convenience store
4.
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs on it.
He hit a stone and fell down along with the cycle.
The eggs also fell down and broke.
A crowd gathered around the boy.
As usual, free advice started flowing from the onlookers.
“Couldn’t you be more careful?”
“What is this, you are cycling, casually without attention?”
An old man approached the crowd saw what had happened and said “Poor fellow this boy has to answer the Owner of the shop. Ok I will help him, as much as I can” saying this handed over Rs500/- to the boy.
And also said, “These onlookers are good people, they will not only give advice, but they will help you by giving money also, accept their help”.
The onlookers observing the sayings of the old man and his actions gave money to the boy.
The boy was very happy since the money collected was much more than the value of the eggs broken.
One of the onlookers asked the boy.
“Young man if that old man was not around, I do not know what difficulties you would have faced with your owner.”
The boy smiled and replied “Sir, that old man is the owner of the shop, where I work.”
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
A farmer decides to tell his son
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs on it.
He hit a stone and fell down along with the cycle.
The eggs also fell down and broke.
A crowd gathered around the boy.
As usual, free advice started flowing from the onlookers.
“Couldn’t you be more careful?”
“What is this, you are cycling, casually without attention?”
An old man approached the crowd saw what had happened and said “Poor fellow this boy has to answer the Owner of the shop. Ok I will help him, as much as I can” saying this handed over Rs500/- to the boy.
And also said, “These onlookers are good people, they will not only give advice, but they will help you by giving money also, accept their help”.
The onlookers observing the sayings of the old man and his actions gave money to the boy.
The boy was very happy since the money collected was much more than the value of the eggs broken.
One of the onlookers asked the boy.
“Young man if that old man was not around, I do not know what difficulties you would have faced with your owner.”
The boy smiled and replied “Sir, that old man is the owner of the shop, where I work.”
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
A farmer decides to tell his son
5.
A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” letters only.
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” letters only.”
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”
The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”
A blonde walks into an empty bar
Two old women were talking
A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” letters only.
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” letters only.”
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”
The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”
A blonde walks into an empty bar
Two old women were talking
6.
A old man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving me trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost your temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, the old man slaps him, and the doctor asks, “Why did you slap me?”
The old man said “This is also due to old age, you see”
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
A old man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving me trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost your temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, the old man slaps him, and the doctor asks, “Why did you slap me?”
The old man said “This is also due to old age, you see”
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
7.
Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar.
“As good as this is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a bar called McTavish’s. The landlord there goes out of his way with the locals. When you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth.”
“Well Angus,” said the Englishman.
“At my local pub in London, The Red Lion, the barman will buy your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, dat’s nothing’,” said the Irishman.
“Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you step foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another. In fact all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had enough to drink, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house.”
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claim.
“Did this actually happen to you?” they asked.
“Not myself personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to my sister quite a few times.”
Two Blondes living in Kansas
A old lady went to the doctor
Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar.
“As good as this is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a bar called McTavish’s. The landlord there goes out of his way with the locals. When you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth.”
“Well Angus,” said the Englishman.
“At my local pub in London, The Red Lion, the barman will buy your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, dat’s nothing’,” said the Irishman.
“Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you step foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another. In fact all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had enough to drink, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house.”
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claim.
“Did this actually happen to you?” they asked.
“Not myself personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to my sister quite a few times.”
Two Blondes living in Kansas
A old lady went to the doctor
8.
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said.
My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.”
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you?
Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
“What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The father takes a slow swig of his Jame son Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:”Had Graeme circumcised.”
The teacher decided to observe
A Englishman, Irishman, Welshman
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said.
My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.”
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you?
Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
“What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The father takes a slow swig of his Jame son Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:”Had Graeme circumcised.”
The teacher decided to observe
A Englishman, Irishman, Welshman
9.
70 year-old Mrs Potts went to the doctor for her annual check up.
He told her she needed more activity and recommended make love three times a week.
She said to the doctor, “Please, tell my husband.”
The doctor went out to the waiting room and told Mr Potts that his wife needed to have lovemaking three times a week.
The eighty-year-old husband replied, “Which days?”
“How about Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?”
“I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday,”
The man said, “but on Fridays she’ll have to take the bus.”
A old man who loves to fish
The boss joined a group of his workers
70 year-old Mrs Potts went to the doctor for her annual check up.
He told her she needed more activity and recommended make love three times a week.
She said to the doctor, “Please, tell my husband.”
The doctor went out to the waiting room and told Mr Potts that his wife needed to have lovemaking three times a week.
The eighty-year-old husband replied, “Which days?”
“How about Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?”
“I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday,”
The man said, “but on Fridays she’ll have to take the bus.”
A old man who loves to fish
The boss joined a group of his workers
10.
Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply “It could have been worse.”
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom?”
“He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “but it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “if it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”
A priest was hiking in the woods
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply “It could have been worse.”
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom?”
“He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “but it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “if it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”
A priest was hiking in the woods
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
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11.
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A man walked into the bar
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A man walked into the bar
12.
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the Manager asks if he can help.
“I’m looking for Broccoli,” informed that they are out of stock she leaves.
Within an hour she’s back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor,
The irate Manager asks again If he can help, “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
Once again he informs her they are out of stock.
15 min before closing, she comes stalking straight to the Frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out,
The very irritated Manager asks can I help “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dog more,
She says yes “DOG.”
“Very good, can you spell Cat in Cats delight.”
She says “CAT.”
“Very good, now can you spell bang in Broccoli.”
She says “there’s no bang in Broccoli.”
Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!
A few women were sitting around the table
A lady went into the pharmacy
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the Manager asks if he can help.
“I’m looking for Broccoli,” informed that they are out of stock she leaves.
Within an hour she’s back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor,
The irate Manager asks again If he can help, “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
Once again he informs her they are out of stock.
15 min before closing, she comes stalking straight to the Frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out,
The very irritated Manager asks can I help “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dog more,
She says yes “DOG.”
“Very good, can you spell Cat in Cats delight.”
She says “CAT.”
“Very good, now can you spell bang in Broccoli.”
She says “there’s no bang in Broccoli.”
Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!
A few women were sitting around the table
A lady went into the pharmacy
13.
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said,
“The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?
The man came to his pastor
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said,
“The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?
The man came to his pastor
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
14.
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.
They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half.
He places one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering.
“That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table.
He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man replies that they’re just fine they’re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, “May I ask what is it you are waiting for?”
The old woman answers “The teeth.”
A couple moves into a new neighborhood
A boy was walking down the street
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.
They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half.
He places one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering.
“That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table.
He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man replies that they’re just fine they’re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, “May I ask what is it you are waiting for?”
The old woman answers “The teeth.”
A couple moves into a new neighborhood
A boy was walking down the street
15.
A professor sits with a farmer in a train.
Bored, the professor says to the farmer:
“I ask you a question, if you can’t answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can’t answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?”
The farmer nods.
The professor asks the farmer: “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”
The farmer silently takes out $5 and give it to the professor.
The farmer asks the professor: “What animal has three legs when ascending a mountain and four legs when descending a mountain?”
The professor thinks hardly but couldn’t find an answer, so he reluctantly pulls out $500 for the farmer.
The farmer takes the $500 and prepares to nap, the professor asks: “What animal is it!?”
The farmer takes out $5 and give it to the professor, then he falls asleep.
A old man went to a doctor
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
A professor sits with a farmer in a train.
Bored, the professor says to the farmer:
“I ask you a question, if you can’t answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can’t answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?”
The farmer nods.
The professor asks the farmer: “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”
The farmer silently takes out $5 and give it to the professor.
The farmer asks the professor: “What animal has three legs when ascending a mountain and four legs when descending a mountain?”
The professor thinks hardly but couldn’t find an answer, so he reluctantly pulls out $500 for the farmer.
The farmer takes the $500 and prepares to nap, the professor asks: “What animal is it!?”
The farmer takes out $5 and give it to the professor, then he falls asleep.
A old man went to a doctor
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
16.
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if.”
The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A couple in their nineties were both having problems
Ole and Lena are having make love
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if.”
The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A couple in their nineties were both having problems
Ole and Lena are having make love
17.
An old man and his wife are in bed.
After lying in silence for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “seven points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”
The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”
A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”
After five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”
Furious about loosing, the wife rips another fat and yells out, “The score is tied!”
The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose.
He strains incredibly had but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed.
The wife hears the noise and asks.
“What in the world was that noise?”
The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”
The doctor called the wife into his office
A senior citizens group charters a bus
An old man and his wife are in bed.
After lying in silence for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “seven points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”
The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”
A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”
After five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”
Furious about loosing, the wife rips another fat and yells out, “The score is tied!”
The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose.
He strains incredibly had but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed.
The wife hears the noise and asks.
“What in the world was that noise?”
The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”
The doctor called the wife into his office
A senior citizens group charters a bus
18.
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor…
She tells him that she’s lived a long life and that she wants to end it now on her own terms.
The Doc sees her and can tell that she’s in pain and not wanting others to hear him, he decides to whisper some advice to her on how to do it.
A few hours later the same old lady is rushed to the ER with a bullet wound on her left knee.
When she saw the doctor in the hallway as she was being rushed, she yelled, “You told me to shoot myself under my left breast
A 90 year old woman just got married
3 thieves rob a bank
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor…
She tells him that she’s lived a long life and that she wants to end it now on her own terms.
The Doc sees her and can tell that she’s in pain and not wanting others to hear him, he decides to whisper some advice to her on how to do it.
A few hours later the same old lady is rushed to the ER with a bullet wound on her left knee.
When she saw the doctor in the hallway as she was being rushed, she yelled, “You told me to shoot myself under my left breast
A 90 year old woman just got married
3 thieves rob a bank
19.
Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to piss so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One uses her underclothes to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone.
Next night the husbands met at the bar, one looks at the other and says,
“I’m gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no undergarment last night.”
The other one says, “Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum saying,
“You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.”
John was talking to his fiance
Two women are discussing
Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to piss so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One uses her underclothes to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone.
Next night the husbands met at the bar, one looks at the other and says,
“I’m gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no undergarment last night.”
The other one says, “Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum saying,
“You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.”
John was talking to his fiance
Two women are discussing
20.
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the court says, “You bastard.”
The judge continues, “You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.”
Again the voice at the back of the court says, “You bastard.”
The judge says, “We cannot have any more of these outbursts from you, what is the problem?”
The man at the back of the court says, “Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!”
A secretary goes to the company stockroom
A man was working on a preacher’s car
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the court says, “You bastard.”
The judge continues, “You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.”
Again the voice at the back of the court says, “You bastard.”
The judge says, “We cannot have any more of these outbursts from you, what is the problem?”
The man at the back of the court says, “Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!”
A secretary goes to the company stockroom
A man was working on a preacher’s car
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21.
“You have been a good cat all of these years anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask”.
The cats says: “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors”.
God says: “Say no more”
Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice die and go to heaven.
God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat.
The mice said: “All our lives we’ve had to run Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us if we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore”.
God says: “Say no more” and instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing.
The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks: “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”
The cat yawns and stretches and says: “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life and those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”
Two old men Abe and Sol
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
“You have been a good cat all of these years anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask”.
The cats says: “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors”.
God says: “Say no more”
Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice die and go to heaven.
God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat.
The mice said: “All our lives we’ve had to run Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us if we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore”.
God says: “Say no more” and instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing.
The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks: “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”
The cat yawns and stretches and says: “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life and those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”
Two old men Abe and Sol
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
22.
As Mr.Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr.Smith told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so that try to take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the month he gave me and bought one
I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I;m ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing
The boss of a big company needed to call
As Mr.Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr.Smith told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so that try to take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the month he gave me and bought one
I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I;m ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing
The boss of a big company needed to call
23.
Little Johnny: Hello Teacher, let me ask you a question.
Teacher: Okay.
Little Johnny: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: You can’t it’s too big.
Little Johnny: Wrong. All you have to do is open the fridge and put it in there.
Teacher: Hm. Okay then.
Little Johnny: Let me ask you another question. How do put a Donkey inside that fridge?
Teacher: Easy you just open the door and put it in there.
Little Johnny: Wrong again. You have to take the Elephant out first then put the Donkey in the fridge.
Teacher: Uh okay.
Little Johnny: Next question. If a Lion had a birthday party and all the animals went to it, what animal is missing?
Teacher: All of them because the Lion eats them.
Little Johnny: Wrong, the Donkey is missing because he’s still in the fridge.
Teacher: Are you kidding me?
Little Johnny: Okay last question. If you’re at a River and crocodiles live in it, how do you get across?
Teacher: You build a boat and float across. If you try to swim across you will be eaten.
Little Johnny: Nope. All you have to do is swim across because all the animals went to Lion’s birthday party.
Teacher: Get out.
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
A teacher was giving an assignment
Little Johnny: Hello Teacher, let me ask you a question.
Teacher: Okay.
Little Johnny: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: You can’t it’s too big.
Little Johnny: Wrong. All you have to do is open the fridge and put it in there.
Teacher: Hm. Okay then.
Little Johnny: Let me ask you another question. How do put a Donkey inside that fridge?
Teacher: Easy you just open the door and put it in there.
Little Johnny: Wrong again. You have to take the Elephant out first then put the Donkey in the fridge.
Teacher: Uh okay.
Little Johnny: Next question. If a Lion had a birthday party and all the animals went to it, what animal is missing?
Teacher: All of them because the Lion eats them.
Little Johnny: Wrong, the Donkey is missing because he’s still in the fridge.
Teacher: Are you kidding me?
Little Johnny: Okay last question. If you’re at a River and crocodiles live in it, how do you get across?
Teacher: You build a boat and float across. If you try to swim across you will be eaten.
Little Johnny: Nope. All you have to do is swim across because all the animals went to Lion’s birthday party.
Teacher: Get out.
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
A teacher was giving an assignment
24.
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments passed.
“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.
“Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopee.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
“How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
A girl went to her dad
A woman is standing looking in mirror
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments passed.
“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.
“Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopee.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
“How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
A girl went to her dad
A woman is standing looking in mirror
25.
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady user.
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
An Old Lady: I can’t see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
An Old Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer???!!
Help desk: there is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer double click on it.
An Old Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer??!!!
Two men are sitting at a bar
Bill and Doug were having a beer
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady user.
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
An Old Lady: I can’t see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
An Old Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer???!!
Help desk: there is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer double click on it.
An Old Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer??!!!
Two men are sitting at a bar
Bill and Doug were having a beer
26.
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher.
She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”
“It goes moo.”
“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”
“It goes meow.”
“Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?”
“It goes baaa.”
“Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?”
“Errr.., it goes.. click!”
The boss joined a group of his workers
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher.
She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”
“It goes moo.”
“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”
“It goes meow.”
“Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?”
“It goes baaa.”
“Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?”
“Errr.., it goes.. click!”
The boss joined a group of his workers
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
27.
The pilot announced, “Uh, Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing.
Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines!
Because of the engine issues we will be arriving at our destination 30 minutes later than scheduled.”
The passengers all groaned and went back to sleeping, reading, and watching their movies.
Not long afterwards, they felt more turbulence, and again heard the pilot say,
“OK so we just lost our second engine, but not to worry, we are still running well on two engines.
We will arrive at our destination 1 hour later than scheduled.”
The passengers exchanged worried looks and started talking among themselves.
Again, they felt the jet dip and rumble, and again, they heard the pilot say,
“We lost our third engine, and we will arrive 2 hours later than scheduled at our destination.
My apologies for the inconveniences this delay is causing all of you.”
This time, a frustrated looking passenger wearing a business suit stood up and yelled,
“At this rate, if we lose another engine, it’ll take all day to get there!”
Three women die together
The detective walks around the scene
The pilot announced, “Uh, Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing.
Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines!
Because of the engine issues we will be arriving at our destination 30 minutes later than scheduled.”
The passengers all groaned and went back to sleeping, reading, and watching their movies.
Not long afterwards, they felt more turbulence, and again heard the pilot say,
“OK so we just lost our second engine, but not to worry, we are still running well on two engines.
We will arrive at our destination 1 hour later than scheduled.”
The passengers exchanged worried looks and started talking among themselves.
Again, they felt the jet dip and rumble, and again, they heard the pilot say,
“We lost our third engine, and we will arrive 2 hours later than scheduled at our destination.
My apologies for the inconveniences this delay is causing all of you.”
This time, a frustrated looking passenger wearing a business suit stood up and yelled,
“At this rate, if we lose another engine, it’ll take all day to get there!”
Three women die together
The detective walks around the scene
28.
A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.
He’s polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm.
Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British.
He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours.
The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying the building and knocking the officer unconscious.
The German finally is awakened, hurt but alive, by screams and cries for help.
He picks himself up and rushes to help, and before him lays a single living man, crushed underneath the debris of the roof.
He moves to help the young Brit, using the rest of his strength to pull him out of the rubble.
The man’s legs are crushed, and his stomach filled with large splinters.
“You’re bleeding out, my friend,” the officer sighs, slumping down next to him.
“Zere is nothing I can do to help you. All I can do is keep you company in your last moments.”
The Brit shakily sighs, breathing heavily as he looks over himself, giving the German a nod.
The older man looks up towards the starry sky and speaks: “Ze stars will calm you.”
They both find themselves looking at the stars, and time passes.
Eventually, they see a streak of light across the night sky.
“A shooting star,” the young man says with a weak smile.
The German just laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“Ah, forgive me. Zere is a saying in Deustchland:
‘You vill always find ze best jokes in ze comets.’”
It’s the World Cup Final
A couple was walking down their street
A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.
He’s polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm.
Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British.
He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours.
The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying the building and knocking the officer unconscious.
The German finally is awakened, hurt but alive, by screams and cries for help.
He picks himself up and rushes to help, and before him lays a single living man, crushed underneath the debris of the roof.
He moves to help the young Brit, using the rest of his strength to pull him out of the rubble.
The man’s legs are crushed, and his stomach filled with large splinters.
“You’re bleeding out, my friend,” the officer sighs, slumping down next to him.
“Zere is nothing I can do to help you. All I can do is keep you company in your last moments.”
The Brit shakily sighs, breathing heavily as he looks over himself, giving the German a nod.
The older man looks up towards the starry sky and speaks: “Ze stars will calm you.”
They both find themselves looking at the stars, and time passes.
Eventually, they see a streak of light across the night sky.
“A shooting star,” the young man says with a weak smile.
The German just laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“Ah, forgive me. Zere is a saying in Deustchland:
‘You vill always find ze best jokes in ze comets.’”
It’s the World Cup Final
A couple was walking down their street
29.
Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first goes up to St. Peter who says, “I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?”
The guy answers, “Yes, I’ve never even looked at another women.”
St.Peter says, “See that Rolls-Royce over there? That’s your car to drive while you’re in heaven.”
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, “Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out.”
St. Peter says, “See that new Buick over there, that’s your car to use in heaven.”
The third guy answers the same question, “I have to admit, I’ve chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women.”
St. Peter says, “Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you’re in heaven.
The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1’s Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar.
They stop and go into the bar and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar.
They come up to him and guy #2 says, “Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you’re in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!”
He says, “I saw my wife today!”
The other two answers, “That’s great! What’s the problem?”
He answers, “She was riding a skateboard!”
A couple on their wedding night
A young lady came home from a date
Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first goes up to St. Peter who says, “I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?”
The guy answers, “Yes, I’ve never even looked at another women.”
St.Peter says, “See that Rolls-Royce over there? That’s your car to drive while you’re in heaven.”
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, “Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out.”
St. Peter says, “See that new Buick over there, that’s your car to use in heaven.”
The third guy answers the same question, “I have to admit, I’ve chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women.”
St. Peter says, “Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you’re in heaven.
The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1’s Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar.
They stop and go into the bar and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar.
They come up to him and guy #2 says, “Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you’re in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!”
He says, “I saw my wife today!”
The other two answers, “That’s great! What’s the problem?”
He answers, “She was riding a skateboard!”
A couple on their wedding night
A young lady came home from a date
30.
As a group of frogs was traveling through the woods, two of them fell into a deep pit.
When the other frogs crowded around the pit and saw how deep it was, they told the two frogs that there was no hope left for them.
However, the two frogs decided to ignore what the others were saying and they proceeded to try and jump out of the pit.
Despite their efforts, the group of frogs at the top of the pit were still saying that they should just give up.
That they would never make it out.
Eventually, one of the frogs took heed to what the others were saying and he gave up, falling down to his death.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.
He jumped even harder and finally made it out.
When he got out, the other frogs said, “Did you not hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf.
He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
Moral of the story: People’s words can have a big effect on others’ lives. Think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth.
This guy come into a bar and asks bartender
A new captain becomes leader of a company
As a group of frogs was traveling through the woods, two of them fell into a deep pit.
When the other frogs crowded around the pit and saw how deep it was, they told the two frogs that there was no hope left for them.
However, the two frogs decided to ignore what the others were saying and they proceeded to try and jump out of the pit.
Despite their efforts, the group of frogs at the top of the pit were still saying that they should just give up.
That they would never make it out.
Eventually, one of the frogs took heed to what the others were saying and he gave up, falling down to his death.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.
He jumped even harder and finally made it out.
When he got out, the other frogs said, “Did you not hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf.
He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
Moral of the story: People’s words can have a big effect on others’ lives. Think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth.
This guy come into a bar and asks bartender
A new captain becomes leader of a company
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