1.
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A man walked into the bar
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A man walked into the bar
2.
Some scientists created a machine that automatically counts people’s swears when it’s near them, the machine was a big circle with arrows in the middle that would point to the number of swears.
So they bring it to a office building and after a couple days they come back and see the counter is in the 80s.
They then take it to a restaurant and when they come back it’s up around 150.
Finnally the bring it to a daycare center when they come back a couple days later, they can’t find the machine anywhere so they ask a kid hey where did our counter5000 go.
To which the kid replies “oh that, it’s arrows started spinning like a helicopter and it flew away”
Sorry this joke was originally in Russian I tried my best to translate
Two cannibals were walling down the street
An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea
Some scientists created a machine that automatically counts people’s swears when it’s near them, the machine was a big circle with arrows in the middle that would point to the number of swears.
So they bring it to a office building and after a couple days they come back and see the counter is in the 80s.
They then take it to a restaurant and when they come back it’s up around 150.
Finnally the bring it to a daycare center when they come back a couple days later, they can’t find the machine anywhere so they ask a kid hey where did our counter5000 go.
To which the kid replies “oh that, it’s arrows started spinning like a helicopter and it flew away”
Sorry this joke was originally in Russian I tried my best to translate
Two cannibals were walling down the street
An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea
3.
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.
While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.
He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.
While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.
He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
4.
The next time you are tempted to say something hurtful to someone just because you’re angry, you might want to stop and remember this story: it’s a keeper.
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.
His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.
He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all.
He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.
He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence
The fence will never be the same.
When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.”
The little boy then understood how powerful his words were.
He looked up at his father and said “I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you.”
“Of course I can,” said the father.
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket
The man said to the dentist
The next time you are tempted to say something hurtful to someone just because you’re angry, you might want to stop and remember this story: it’s a keeper.
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.
His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.
He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all.
He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.
He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence
The fence will never be the same.
When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.”
The little boy then understood how powerful his words were.
He looked up at his father and said “I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you.”
“Of course I can,” said the father.
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket
The man said to the dentist
5.
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man.
‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’
The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.
That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’
The man shakes his head.
‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
A German officer watches over his outpost
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man.
‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’
The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.
That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’
The man shakes his head.
‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
A German officer watches over his outpost
6.
A Father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”
“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies.
To this his friend responds “Strange ambition to have for a career.”
“Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
A blonde was driving down the road
A man went to the police station
A Father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”
“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies.
To this his friend responds “Strange ambition to have for a career.”
“Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
A blonde was driving down the road
A man went to the police station
7.
Two man went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
The old man was a witness
A Scotsman drinking in a Havana bar
Two man went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
The old man was a witness
A Scotsman drinking in a Havana bar
8.
A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call center.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call center operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
Four older women are sitting
The teacher told her class
A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call center.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call center operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
Four older women are sitting
The teacher told her class
9.
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost you temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, old man slaps him, doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said
“This is also due to old age, you see.”
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost you temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, old man slaps him, doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said
“This is also due to old age, you see.”
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
10.
John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner.
As they arrived at the door,
his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.
“My goodness”, said Peter,
“and how long have you been married?”
“22 years”, replied John.
“You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years.”
“Don’t be fooled!
She only does it to make the dog jealous.”
A young man went to his grandfather
On their wedding night
John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner.
As they arrived at the door,
his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.
“My goodness”, said Peter,
“and how long have you been married?”
“22 years”, replied John.
“You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years.”
“Don’t be fooled!
She only does it to make the dog jealous.”
A young man went to his grandfather
On their wedding night
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11.
A dad walks into a market with his young son.
The boy is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter.
Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy’s pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying,
“I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” she says, “Divorce attorney.”
The housewife was having her TV repaired
A wife wanted to surprise her husband
A dad walks into a market with his young son.
The boy is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter.
Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy’s pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying,
“I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” she says, “Divorce attorney.”
The housewife was having her TV repaired
A wife wanted to surprise her husband
12.
A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says “I want you to see this.”
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”
The child responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat
A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says “I want you to see this.”
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”
The child responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat
13.
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Two men were walking home
She walks straight to the manager and asks
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Two men were walking home
She walks straight to the manager and asks
14.
A pastor, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said,
“The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!”
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,
“And that woman was my mother!”
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon.
As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head
It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly,
“The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!”
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke.
The pastor finally blurted out, “and I can’t remember who she was!”
He knocked on the door of one house
A man asked his doctor
A pastor, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said,
“The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!”
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,
“And that woman was my mother!”
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon.
As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head
It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly,
“The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!”
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke.
The pastor finally blurted out, “and I can’t remember who she was!”
He knocked on the door of one house
A man asked his doctor
15.
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
“Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.”
“Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde,
and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”
Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid life crisis.
A man came to visit his grandparents
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
“Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.”
“Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde,
and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”
Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid life crisis.
A man came to visit his grandparents
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
16.
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
“What seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked.
“Well, I, uh,” she stammered.
“I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.”
“I see,” he said. “I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.”
“That’s not bad,” she replied.
“How much for all night?”
A couple lays down for bed
A blonde was out driving her car ran into a truck
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
“What seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked.
“Well, I, uh,” she stammered.
“I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.”
“I see,” he said. “I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.”
“That’s not bad,” she replied.
“How much for all night?”
A couple lays down for bed
A blonde was out driving her car ran into a truck
17.
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.
Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her.
What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”
“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband.
“But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.'”
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.
Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her.
What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”
“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband.
“But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.'”
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed
18.
A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when they were stopped by the police.
“Sir, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer.
“No, I had no idea that I was speeding,” replied the husband.
“Of course you were,” interrupted the wife, “you’re always speeding.”
The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said, “And did you know your brake light is broken sir?”
“No, I had no idea that it was broken,” replied the husband.
Again the wife interrupted, “Of course you knew it was broken.
You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.”
The officer began to sympathize for the husband and said, “Does she always talk to you like this?”
The wife said, “Only when he’s drunk.”
A man found a genie in a magic lamp
A woman stood up at a local pub
A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when they were stopped by the police.
“Sir, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer.
“No, I had no idea that I was speeding,” replied the husband.
“Of course you were,” interrupted the wife, “you’re always speeding.”
The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said, “And did you know your brake light is broken sir?”
“No, I had no idea that it was broken,” replied the husband.
Again the wife interrupted, “Of course you knew it was broken.
You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.”
The officer began to sympathize for the husband and said, “Does she always talk to you like this?”
The wife said, “Only when he’s drunk.”
A man found a genie in a magic lamp
A woman stood up at a local pub
19.
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
“We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A husband exclaims to his wife
Husband Was Not Talking With Wife
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
“We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A husband exclaims to his wife
Husband Was Not Talking With Wife
20.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says: “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch.
Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers: “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
The Doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
The cabbie said no problem
They were reaching a stalemate
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says: “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch.
Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers: “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
The Doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
The cabbie said no problem
They were reaching a stalemate
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21.
A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “my tool”.
As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysterics.
The laptop had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
A husband and wife were sitting
A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “my tool”.
As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysterics.
The laptop had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
A husband and wife were sitting
22.
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:
“What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
“What would you like, sir?”
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
“A quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
“Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.’”
Two old women were talking
A man goes to the doctor and says
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:
“What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
“What would you like, sir?”
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
“A quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
“Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.’”
Two old women were talking
A man goes to the doctor and says
23.
During a class recitation, the teacher asked the students to identify an animal whose name starts with the letter “K”.
Carl raised his hand and answered, “Kangaroo!”
“Very well”, the teacher said.
“What animal’s name begins with the letter “t”? Carl answered again, “Two Kangaroos!”
The teacher reprimanded the little boy for being gamey.
Then asks for other volunteers for his question, “What is the name of an animal that begins with letter “m”.
There was no response from the other kids.
So when Carl threw his right hand in the air, the teacher gave him a chance to recite.
“This better be correct, Carl.”
Carl smiles and whispers quietly, “Maybe a kangaroo?”
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
A old man came to his doctor office
During a class recitation, the teacher asked the students to identify an animal whose name starts with the letter “K”.
Carl raised his hand and answered, “Kangaroo!”
“Very well”, the teacher said.
“What animal’s name begins with the letter “t”? Carl answered again, “Two Kangaroos!”
The teacher reprimanded the little boy for being gamey.
Then asks for other volunteers for his question, “What is the name of an animal that begins with letter “m”.
There was no response from the other kids.
So when Carl threw his right hand in the air, the teacher gave him a chance to recite.
“This better be correct, Carl.”
Carl smiles and whispers quietly, “Maybe a kangaroo?”
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
A old man came to his doctor office
24.
As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside.
Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’
The daughter replied: ‘Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
He asked her what she was doing,
The daughter said: ‘Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
When she went in she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: ‘What the heck are you doing?’
To which the husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’
A old man notices his wife is having trouble hearing
A Irishman is in the bar
As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside.
Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’
The daughter replied: ‘Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
He asked her what she was doing,
The daughter said: ‘Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
When she went in she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: ‘What the heck are you doing?’
To which the husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’
A old man notices his wife is having trouble hearing
A Irishman is in the bar
25.
Some ecclesiastical gentlemen — a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others — were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.
The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter.
After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church.
How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him, “While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car.
She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined.
There was a loser
Morris had died
Some ecclesiastical gentlemen — a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others — were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.
The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter.
After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church.
How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him, “While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car.
She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined.
There was a loser
Morris had died
26.
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey.
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A couple is throwing a dinner party
Johnny asks his dad
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey.
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A couple is throwing a dinner party
Johnny asks his dad
27.
Little Johnny’s teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.
“This is the scene”, said the teacher.
“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.”
He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked,
“To draw out all his savings”?
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A couple were having some problems
Little Johnny’s teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.
“This is the scene”, said the teacher.
“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.”
He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked,
“To draw out all his savings”?
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A couple were having some problems
28.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-wasted and had no obvious mechanism zipper, buttons or Velcro for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
“Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?”
“Well,” she replied, “you can start by buying me a drink.”
Billy came home from school
A concerned husband went to a doctor
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-wasted and had no obvious mechanism zipper, buttons or Velcro for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
“Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?”
“Well,” she replied, “you can start by buying me a drink.”
Billy came home from school
A concerned husband went to a doctor
29.
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.
“Mrs. Brown,” he said, “I have some good news for you.”
The woman said, “I’m glad of that doctor, but I’m Miss Brown,”
“Miss Brown,” said the doctor without changing expression, “I have bad news for you.”
A old couple go to a doctor
A blonde and lawyer are play a game
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.
“Mrs. Brown,” he said, “I have some good news for you.”
The woman said, “I’m glad of that doctor, but I’m Miss Brown,”
“Miss Brown,” said the doctor without changing expression, “I have bad news for you.”
A old couple go to a doctor
A blonde and lawyer are play a game
30.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension yesterday someone stole my purse it had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment next Sunday is Christmas.
And I had invited two of my friends over for dinner without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
He goes to his local priest
A car accident
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension yesterday someone stole my purse it had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment next Sunday is Christmas.
And I had invited two of my friends over for dinner without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
He goes to his local priest
A car accident
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Eng Jokes