1.
There was a village on the outskirts of a forest.
A shepherd boy used to take his herd of sheep across the fields to the lawns near the forest.
One day he felt very boring and wanted to have fun.
So he cried aloud “Wolf, Wolf.
The wolf is carrying away a lamb.”
Farmers working in the fields came running and asked, “Where is the wolf?” The boy laughed and replied “It was just a fun Now get going all of you”.
The boy played the trick for quite a number of times in the next few days.
After some days as the boy was sitting on a tree and singing a song, there came a wolf.
The boy cried loudly “Wolf, Wolf, The wolf is carrying a lamb away.” There was no one to come.
The boy shouted “Help! Wolf!” Still no one came to his help.
The villagers thought that the boy was playing mischief again.
The wolf carried a lamb away and the boy was very sad.
The Englishman & Irishman
A singles bar where he spotted
There was a village on the outskirts of a forest.
A shepherd boy used to take his herd of sheep across the fields to the lawns near the forest.
One day he felt very boring and wanted to have fun.
So he cried aloud “Wolf, Wolf.
The wolf is carrying away a lamb.”
Farmers working in the fields came running and asked, “Where is the wolf?” The boy laughed and replied “It was just a fun Now get going all of you”.
The boy played the trick for quite a number of times in the next few days.
After some days as the boy was sitting on a tree and singing a song, there came a wolf.
The boy cried loudly “Wolf, Wolf, The wolf is carrying a lamb away.” There was no one to come.
The boy shouted “Help! Wolf!” Still no one came to his help.
The villagers thought that the boy was playing mischief again.
The wolf carried a lamb away and the boy was very sad.
The Englishman & Irishman
A singles bar where he spotted
2.
Two man are in a bar getting drunk.
Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, “Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me”.
His friend says, “Don’t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your fronts pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill”.
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time: “You reek of alcohol and you’ve thrown up all over yourself, you’re disgusting.”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, “Wait. It’s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me.
He’d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn’t hold his liquor.
He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my fronts pocket.”
She looks in his fronts pocket and says, “But this is forty dollars”.
“Ah, yes,” says the man. “He peed in my trousers too”.
A blonde was complaining to her friend
A old man who loves to fish
Two man are in a bar getting drunk.
Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, “Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me”.
His friend says, “Don’t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your fronts pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill”.
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time: “You reek of alcohol and you’ve thrown up all over yourself, you’re disgusting.”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, “Wait. It’s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me.
He’d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn’t hold his liquor.
He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my fronts pocket.”
She looks in his fronts pocket and says, “But this is forty dollars”.
“Ah, yes,” says the man. “He peed in my trousers too”.
A blonde was complaining to her friend
A old man who loves to fish
3.
Two elderly nuns, Sister Dulce and Sister Andrea are on their way back from the market one evening.
It’s already very late, and they have quite a distance left before reaching their convent.
Suddenly, Sister Dulce grabs hold of Sister Andrea’s arm.
“Is it just me,” she asks, “or is that man following us?”
Sister Andrea glances over her shoulder, then whispers back.
“I think he might be, yes!” “What do you think he wants?!”
Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea.
“He’s going to r*pe us! What should we do?!”
I know,” replies Sister Dulce.
“We’ll split up I’ll take the left road to the convent, and you take the one on the right.”
The nuns part ways, and a few minutes later, Sister Dulce arrives at the convent.
She starts pacing in front of the door, worried that some terrible fate has befallen the other nun.
Then, just as Sister Dulce is about to give up hope, she sees Sister Andrea running up the path.
“What happened?!” asks Sister Dulce.
“Well,” replies Sister Andrea, “I started running, and the man started chasing me.”
“Oh, no! Then what?!”
“He caught up to me.” Sister Dulce gasps.
“What did you do?!” “The only thing I could do,” Sister Andrea answers.
The Magical Lamp
She got to the pearly gates
Two elderly nuns, Sister Dulce and Sister Andrea are on their way back from the market one evening.
It’s already very late, and they have quite a distance left before reaching their convent.
Suddenly, Sister Dulce grabs hold of Sister Andrea’s arm.
“Is it just me,” she asks, “or is that man following us?”
Sister Andrea glances over her shoulder, then whispers back.
“I think he might be, yes!” “What do you think he wants?!”
Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea.
“He’s going to r*pe us! What should we do?!”
I know,” replies Sister Dulce.
“We’ll split up I’ll take the left road to the convent, and you take the one on the right.”
The nuns part ways, and a few minutes later, Sister Dulce arrives at the convent.
She starts pacing in front of the door, worried that some terrible fate has befallen the other nun.
Then, just as Sister Dulce is about to give up hope, she sees Sister Andrea running up the path.
“What happened?!” asks Sister Dulce.
“Well,” replies Sister Andrea, “I started running, and the man started chasing me.”
“Oh, no! Then what?!”
“He caught up to me.” Sister Dulce gasps.
“What did you do?!” “The only thing I could do,” Sister Andrea answers.
The Magical Lamp
She got to the pearly gates
4.
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, David?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!”
This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
Two Blondes living in Kansas
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, David?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!”
This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
Two Blondes living in Kansas
5.
Two friends went to interview for the same job.
They were both in the waiting area when the first friend got called for his interview.
The second friend gave him a thumbs-up as he headed into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed the man’s resume and then asked him a few questions.
The interview was going well until the interviewer asked, “So if you are on a moving train and it was very hot, what would you do?”
The man thought about it for a second and responded, “Well, I would open the window.”
“Amazing!” exclaimed the interviewer and asked, “Let’s say the train is traveling at 100 miles per hour, and the window is 1.25 sq ft. How much air would enter your cabin in a minute?”
The man thought about the equation for a while, tried to answer it but failed. So he was rejected and returned to the waiting room and his friend in despair.
He quickly told his friend about the interviewer’s question so he wouldn’t suffer the same fate.
The second friend was called into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed his resume and began with a few mundane questions before asking, “If you are a train and it was very hot, what would you do?”
“Uh, well,” the friend stumbled on the question, “I would take my jacket off, of course.”
The interviewer responded, “Well, what if it was still too hot?”
“I would take off my shirt!” exclaimed the friend.
The interview then asks again, “What if it is still too hot, even without a jacket and your shirt?”
The man then said, “I would take off all my clothes, but I would not open the window!”
One night a blonde nun was praying
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Two friends went to interview for the same job.
They were both in the waiting area when the first friend got called for his interview.
The second friend gave him a thumbs-up as he headed into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed the man’s resume and then asked him a few questions.
The interview was going well until the interviewer asked, “So if you are on a moving train and it was very hot, what would you do?”
The man thought about it for a second and responded, “Well, I would open the window.”
“Amazing!” exclaimed the interviewer and asked, “Let’s say the train is traveling at 100 miles per hour, and the window is 1.25 sq ft. How much air would enter your cabin in a minute?”
The man thought about the equation for a while, tried to answer it but failed. So he was rejected and returned to the waiting room and his friend in despair.
He quickly told his friend about the interviewer’s question so he wouldn’t suffer the same fate.
The second friend was called into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed his resume and began with a few mundane questions before asking, “If you are a train and it was very hot, what would you do?”
“Uh, well,” the friend stumbled on the question, “I would take my jacket off, of course.”
The interviewer responded, “Well, what if it was still too hot?”
“I would take off my shirt!” exclaimed the friend.
The interview then asks again, “What if it is still too hot, even without a jacket and your shirt?”
The man then said, “I would take off all my clothes, but I would not open the window!”
One night a blonde nun was praying
Two blonde girls walk into a store
6.
A little boy asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The little boy then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The little boy run back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A man calls the hospital
A little boy asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The little boy then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The little boy run back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A man calls the hospital
7.
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico, and spends his day roaming around, taking in the sights.
In the evening he goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
As he sits there sipping his tequila, he notices that the couple at the table next to him are being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle.
When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish.
The waiter replied, “Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning a real delicacy!”
The Texan said, “Well, what the heck, bring me an order.”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, Senor there is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning if you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor sometimes the bull wins.”
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico, and spends his day roaming around, taking in the sights.
In the evening he goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
As he sits there sipping his tequila, he notices that the couple at the table next to him are being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle.
When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish.
The waiter replied, “Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning a real delicacy!”
The Texan said, “Well, what the heck, bring me an order.”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, Senor there is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning if you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor sometimes the bull wins.”
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
8.
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St.Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven don’t step on the ducks.”
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St.Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St.Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck.
Once again, St.Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman.
He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn’t want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he’s extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks one day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on.
She’s tall, curvaceous, tanned.
Without a word, St.Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”
The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two elderly women were out driving
A Priest was being honored
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St.Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven don’t step on the ducks.”
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St.Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St.Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck.
Once again, St.Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman.
He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn’t want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he’s extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks one day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on.
She’s tall, curvaceous, tanned.
Without a word, St.Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”
The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two elderly women were out driving
A Priest was being honored
9.
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes.
His boss asked what happened.
The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church.
When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out.
She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”
“Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asked.
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
A woman was terribly overweight
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes.
His boss asked what happened.
The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church.
When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out.
She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”
“Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asked.
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
A woman was terribly overweight
10.
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai, now old, who decided to teach Zen Buddhism to young people.
One afternoon, a warrior known for his complete lack of scruples arrived there.
The young and impatient warrior had never lost a fight.
Hearing of the Samurai’s reputation, he had come to defeat him, and increase his fame.
All the students were against the idea, but the old man accepted the challenge.
All gathered on the town square, and the young man started insulting the old master.
He threw a few rocks in his direction, spat in his face, shouted every insult under the sun he even insulted his ancestors.
For hours, he did everything to provoke him, but the old man remained impassive.
At the end of the afternoon, by now feeling exhausted and humiliated, the impetuous warrior left.
Disappointed by the fact that the master had received so many insults and provocations, the students asked:
How could you bear such indignity? Why didn’t you use your sword, even knowing you might lose the fight, instead of displaying your cowardice in front of us all?
If someone comes to you with a gift, and you do not accept it, who does the gift belong to? asked the Samurai.
He who tried to deliver it replied one of his disciples.
The same goes for envy, anger and insults said the master.
“When they are not accepted, they continue to belong to the one who carried them.”
A Priest was being honored
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai, now old, who decided to teach Zen Buddhism to young people.
One afternoon, a warrior known for his complete lack of scruples arrived there.
The young and impatient warrior had never lost a fight.
Hearing of the Samurai’s reputation, he had come to defeat him, and increase his fame.
All the students were against the idea, but the old man accepted the challenge.
All gathered on the town square, and the young man started insulting the old master.
He threw a few rocks in his direction, spat in his face, shouted every insult under the sun he even insulted his ancestors.
For hours, he did everything to provoke him, but the old man remained impassive.
At the end of the afternoon, by now feeling exhausted and humiliated, the impetuous warrior left.
Disappointed by the fact that the master had received so many insults and provocations, the students asked:
How could you bear such indignity? Why didn’t you use your sword, even knowing you might lose the fight, instead of displaying your cowardice in front of us all?
If someone comes to you with a gift, and you do not accept it, who does the gift belong to? asked the Samurai.
He who tried to deliver it replied one of his disciples.
The same goes for envy, anger and insults said the master.
“When they are not accepted, they continue to belong to the one who carried them.”
A Priest was being honored
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret
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11.
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go get it.
“She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”
A blonde walks into an appliance store
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go get it.
“She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”
A blonde walks into an appliance store
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
12.
It was an incredibly hot day, and a lion was feeling very hungry.
He came out of his den and searched here and there.
He could find only a small hare.
He caught the hare with some hesitation.
“This hare can’t fill my stomach” thought the lion.
As the lion was about to kill the hare, a deer ran that way.
The lion became greedy.
He thought; “Instead of eating this small hare, let me eat the big deer.”
He let the hare go and went behind the deer.
But the deer had vanished into the forest.
The lion now felt sorry for letting the hare off.
The teacher asked for the first volunteer
The porcupines decided to group
It was an incredibly hot day, and a lion was feeling very hungry.
He came out of his den and searched here and there.
He could find only a small hare.
He caught the hare with some hesitation.
“This hare can’t fill my stomach” thought the lion.
As the lion was about to kill the hare, a deer ran that way.
The lion became greedy.
He thought; “Instead of eating this small hare, let me eat the big deer.”
He let the hare go and went behind the deer.
But the deer had vanished into the forest.
The lion now felt sorry for letting the hare off.
The teacher asked for the first volunteer
The porcupines decided to group
13.
A man boarded a plane with six kids and got settled into their seats.
A woman sitting across the aisle leans over and says, “Excuse me sir but are these your kids?”
To which he replied, “No, I work for a company that manufactures rubber pack.
And these are customer complaints.”
A husband sends a text to his wife
A kid says to his mother
A man boarded a plane with six kids and got settled into their seats.
A woman sitting across the aisle leans over and says, “Excuse me sir but are these your kids?”
To which he replied, “No, I work for a company that manufactures rubber pack.
And these are customer complaints.”
A husband sends a text to his wife
A kid says to his mother
14.
One night the Nasreddin Hodja looked into his well and saw there the reflection of the full moon.
“Oh no!” he exclaimed.
“The moon has fallen from the sky and into my well!”
He ran into his house and returned with a hook attached to a rope.
He then threw the hook into the water and commenced to pull it up again, but it became stuck on the side of the well.
Frantically the Hodja tugged and pulled with all his might.
The hook suddenly came loose, and the Hodja fell over backwards, landing flat on his back.
Scarcely able to move, he looked up into the sky and saw the full moon above him.
“I may have injured myself in doing so,” he said with satisfaction, “but at least I got the moon back into the sky where it belongs.”
A local priest
An Arab Sheik
One night the Nasreddin Hodja looked into his well and saw there the reflection of the full moon.
“Oh no!” he exclaimed.
“The moon has fallen from the sky and into my well!”
He ran into his house and returned with a hook attached to a rope.
He then threw the hook into the water and commenced to pull it up again, but it became stuck on the side of the well.
Frantically the Hodja tugged and pulled with all his might.
The hook suddenly came loose, and the Hodja fell over backwards, landing flat on his back.
Scarcely able to move, he looked up into the sky and saw the full moon above him.
“I may have injured myself in doing so,” he said with satisfaction, “but at least I got the moon back into the sky where it belongs.”
A local priest
An Arab Sheik
15.
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car so he phones for an ambulance.
Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broke.’
Operator: ‘What’s your location sir?’
Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street …’
Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’
Silence… (heavy breathing).
Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’
More heavy breathing a minute later.
Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’
Repeated and repeated until….
Operator in mode: ‘Sir, please answer me can you still hear me?’
Paddy: ‘Sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell Eucalyptus, so I’ve dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .’
A father buys a lie detector robot
A motorcycle police officer
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car so he phones for an ambulance.
Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broke.’
Operator: ‘What’s your location sir?’
Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street …’
Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’
Silence… (heavy breathing).
Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’
More heavy breathing a minute later.
Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’
Repeated and repeated until….
Operator in mode: ‘Sir, please answer me can you still hear me?’
Paddy: ‘Sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell Eucalyptus, so I’ve dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .’
A father buys a lie detector robot
A motorcycle police officer
16.
An old man finds a rubber pack in his grandson’s apartment and asks what it is.
“It’s a rubber pack,” replies the grandson, sheepishly.
“What do you use it for?” asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”
Grandpa says, “That’s a great idea.”
He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a rubber pack.
“What size would you like?” asks the pharmacist.
“Big enough to fit a Camel.”
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
Harry and his wife are driving
An old man finds a rubber pack in his grandson’s apartment and asks what it is.
“It’s a rubber pack,” replies the grandson, sheepishly.
“What do you use it for?” asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”
Grandpa says, “That’s a great idea.”
He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a rubber pack.
“What size would you like?” asks the pharmacist.
“Big enough to fit a Camel.”
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
Harry and his wife are driving
17.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?”
Students: “Eggs!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?”
Students: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Students: “Homework!”
A young man was sitting in his office
A teacher asked her students
Teacher: “Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?”
Students: “Eggs!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?”
Students: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Students: “Homework!”
A young man was sitting in his office
A teacher asked her students
18.
Nurse: “Do you have siblings?”
Me: “Yes, a younger brother.”
Nurse: “Does he have any medical issues?”
Me: “He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight.”
Nurse: “Oh, okay. Anything else?”
Me: “He’s battling hemorrhoids.”
Nurse: “I’m sure he’ll be interested to know that’s now in your medical chart.”
Me: “I doubt it, he sent me and folks he works with a photo.”
Me: “Do you want to include the photo in my chart?”
Nurse; “No, that’s not necessary.”
Nurse: “Is your father still alive?”
Me: “Nope, he died in 2008.”
Nurse: “What happened to him?”
Me: “Drove off an embankment and plunged into a river 50 feet below.”
Nurse: “That sounds dreadful.”
Me: “Coroner said he died peacefully in his sleep.
It wasn’t so peaceful for the other three people in the car with him though.”
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
On the outskirts of a small town
Nurse: “Do you have siblings?”
Me: “Yes, a younger brother.”
Nurse: “Does he have any medical issues?”
Me: “He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight.”
Nurse: “Oh, okay. Anything else?”
Me: “He’s battling hemorrhoids.”
Nurse: “I’m sure he’ll be interested to know that’s now in your medical chart.”
Me: “I doubt it, he sent me and folks he works with a photo.”
Me: “Do you want to include the photo in my chart?”
Nurse; “No, that’s not necessary.”
Nurse: “Is your father still alive?”
Me: “Nope, he died in 2008.”
Nurse: “What happened to him?”
Me: “Drove off an embankment and plunged into a river 50 feet below.”
Nurse: “That sounds dreadful.”
Me: “Coroner said he died peacefully in his sleep.
It wasn’t so peaceful for the other three people in the car with him though.”
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
On the outskirts of a small town
19.
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
20.
A ship was travelling in a dangerous part of the sea.
The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.
The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle.
They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.
A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.
He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates.
They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.
However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles.
He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale.
I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost.
Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.”
A few weeks later, the ship is travelling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.
The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”
On his first day on the job
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
A ship was travelling in a dangerous part of the sea.
The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.
The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle.
They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.
A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.
He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates.
They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.
However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles.
He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale.
I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost.
Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.”
A few weeks later, the ship is travelling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.
The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”
On his first day on the job
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
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21.
A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
A young girl went to her family doctor
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
A young girl went to her family doctor
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
22.
Two friends are having drinks when they get into an argument about who enjoys lovemaking more.
The man says, “Men obviously enjoy make love more than women. We are completely obsessed with getting laid!”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.
“Think about this when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better your ear or your finger?”
A lady about eight months pregnant
A elderly man goes into a mental institution
Two friends are having drinks when they get into an argument about who enjoys lovemaking more.
The man says, “Men obviously enjoy make love more than women. We are completely obsessed with getting laid!”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.
“Think about this when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better your ear or your finger?”
A lady about eight months pregnant
A elderly man goes into a mental institution
23.
A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn’t open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel.
It only has one room available.
The priest says:
“Sister, I don’t think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room.
I’ll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed.”
“I think that would be fine,” agrees the nun.
They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says:
“Father, I’m very cold.”
“OK,” says the priest,
“I’ll get a blanket from the cupboard.”
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again:
“Father, I’m still terribly cold.”
The priest says: “Don’t worry, I’ll get up and fetch you another blanket.”
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly:
“Father I’m still very cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night.”
“You’re right,” says the priest.
“Get your own blankets.”
The Scotsman’s first baseball game
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter
A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn’t open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel.
It only has one room available.
The priest says:
“Sister, I don’t think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room.
I’ll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed.”
“I think that would be fine,” agrees the nun.
They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says:
“Father, I’m very cold.”
“OK,” says the priest,
“I’ll get a blanket from the cupboard.”
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again:
“Father, I’m still terribly cold.”
The priest says: “Don’t worry, I’ll get up and fetch you another blanket.”
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly:
“Father I’m still very cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night.”
“You’re right,” says the priest.
“Get your own blankets.”
The Scotsman’s first baseball game
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter
24.
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom.”
A couple returns from their honeymoon
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom.”
A couple returns from their honeymoon
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
25.
An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll then give you more bang pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front melons pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you bang pleasures like you have never had.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll then give you more bang pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front melons pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you bang pleasures like you have never had.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
26.
Three ducks went to court after being arrested
When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, “what’s your name?”
The duck responds, “Quack.”
And what did you get arrested for?
The duck says, “I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond.” And he goes on his way.
The judge calls upon the second duck, and again asks, “what’s your name?”
The second duck responds with, “Quack quack.”
And what did you get arrested for?
The second duck responds with, “I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond.”
And he goes on his way.
The judge calls upon the third duck, and sarcastically asks,
“let me guess, your name is Quack quack quack?”
The third duck, completely confused, replies with, “no your honor, my name is Bubbles
A man whose wife was pregnant
In a neighbourhood
Three ducks went to court after being arrested
When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, “what’s your name?”
The duck responds, “Quack.”
And what did you get arrested for?
The duck says, “I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond.” And he goes on his way.
The judge calls upon the second duck, and again asks, “what’s your name?”
The second duck responds with, “Quack quack.”
And what did you get arrested for?
The second duck responds with, “I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond.”
And he goes on his way.
The judge calls upon the third duck, and sarcastically asks,
“let me guess, your name is Quack quack quack?”
The third duck, completely confused, replies with, “no your honor, my name is Bubbles
A man whose wife was pregnant
In a neighbourhood
27.
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
The owner of a golf course was confused
A old lady goes to her bank
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
The owner of a golf course was confused
A old lady goes to her bank
28.
The stud rooster at a poultry farm is getting old, so the farmer buys a new one.
Once he’s arrived, the new rooster walks up to the old one and says, “Listen here, Gramps! This whole farm is mine now!”
The old rooster says, “C’mon buddy? At least let me stick around with the old hens? We’ll stay in the back?”
The new rooster is adamant “No way! All the hens are mine!”.
The old rooster sighs, and offers a proposition: that the two of them race around the farmhouse and if the old rooster wins he can stay on the farm, if he loses then he’ll leave and let the new rooster take over.
The only catch is that since the old rooster isn’t in very good shape, he needs a head start.
So the roosters line up, the old one has his head start, and the new rooster takes off.
As he comes round the front of the house, the old rooster is just in front of him.
He is so close to beating him.
He stretches out his neck and leaps forward, desperate to close the gap between them.
That’s when the farmer looks up from the front porch and sees the two roosters; he takes out his gun, shoots the new rooster in the head, and says,
“Damn! Third gay rooster this week!”
A lady goes into the butcher shop
A philosopher was strolling through
The stud rooster at a poultry farm is getting old, so the farmer buys a new one.
Once he’s arrived, the new rooster walks up to the old one and says, “Listen here, Gramps! This whole farm is mine now!”
The old rooster says, “C’mon buddy? At least let me stick around with the old hens? We’ll stay in the back?”
The new rooster is adamant “No way! All the hens are mine!”.
The old rooster sighs, and offers a proposition: that the two of them race around the farmhouse and if the old rooster wins he can stay on the farm, if he loses then he’ll leave and let the new rooster take over.
The only catch is that since the old rooster isn’t in very good shape, he needs a head start.
So the roosters line up, the old one has his head start, and the new rooster takes off.
As he comes round the front of the house, the old rooster is just in front of him.
He is so close to beating him.
He stretches out his neck and leaps forward, desperate to close the gap between them.
That’s when the farmer looks up from the front porch and sees the two roosters; he takes out his gun, shoots the new rooster in the head, and says,
“Damn! Third gay rooster this week!”
A lady goes into the butcher shop
A philosopher was strolling through
29.
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks.
They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says,
‘Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!’
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks.
They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says,
‘Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!’
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
30.
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.
While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.
He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.
While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.
He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
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