1.
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.
Ole needs to toss a whiz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business.
All the sudden Sven hears a bone-chilling cry.
He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.
“Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don’t want to die!”
“Hold on buddy!” and Sven runs all the way back to the truck and flies the 10 miles to the hospital and runs up the stairs to find the doctor.
“Doctor! My best friend Ole just got bit by a rattlesnake! You need to come to save him!”
“I’m sorry,” says the doctor “I have heart surgery in 5 minutes.”
“What am I going to do?” exclaimed Sven.
“He’s my best friend!”
“It’s easy,” says the doctor, as he’s gowning up.
“just cut a small x in the fang marks and taste it the poison out.”
“Ok!” says Sven and he flies out the hospital and speeds back to the forest and runs back into the woods to find Ole.
As he approaches he hears his friends tiny voice call out.
“Sven? Is that you? What did the doctor say?”
“Ole” Sven pants as he’s gasping for air,
“Doctors says to make you comfortable ’cause you’re gonna die!”
The little old woman
A wife was making a breakfast
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.
Ole needs to toss a whiz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business.
All the sudden Sven hears a bone-chilling cry.
He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.
“Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don’t want to die!”
“Hold on buddy!” and Sven runs all the way back to the truck and flies the 10 miles to the hospital and runs up the stairs to find the doctor.
“Doctor! My best friend Ole just got bit by a rattlesnake! You need to come to save him!”
“I’m sorry,” says the doctor “I have heart surgery in 5 minutes.”
“What am I going to do?” exclaimed Sven.
“He’s my best friend!”
“It’s easy,” says the doctor, as he’s gowning up.
“just cut a small x in the fang marks and taste it the poison out.”
“Ok!” says Sven and he flies out the hospital and speeds back to the forest and runs back into the woods to find Ole.
As he approaches he hears his friends tiny voice call out.
“Sven? Is that you? What did the doctor say?”
“Ole” Sven pants as he’s gasping for air,
“Doctors says to make you comfortable ’cause you’re gonna die!”
The little old woman
A wife was making a breakfast
2.
One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.
The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”
She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.”
“My farts never smell, and are always silent.”
“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.
“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”
The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
A rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.
The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”
She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.”
“My farts never smell, and are always silent.”
“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.
“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”
The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
A rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
3.
Nurse: “Do you have siblings?”
Me: “Yes, a younger brother.”
Nurse: “Does he have any medical issues?”
Me: “He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight.”
Nurse: “Oh, okay. Anything else?”
Me: “He’s battling hemorrhoids.”
Nurse: “I’m sure he’ll be interested to know that’s now in your medical chart.”
Me: “I doubt it, he sent me and folks he works with a photo.”
Me: “Do you want to include the photo in my chart?”
Nurse; “No, that’s not necessary.”
Nurse: “Is your father still alive?”
Me: “Nope, he died in 2008.”
Nurse: “What happened to him?”
Me: “Drove off an embankment and plunged into a river 50 feet below.”
Nurse: “That sounds dreadful.”
Me: “Coroner said he died peacefully in his sleep.
It wasn’t so peaceful for the other three people in the car with him though.”
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
On the outskirts of a small town
Nurse: “Do you have siblings?”
Me: “Yes, a younger brother.”
Nurse: “Does he have any medical issues?”
Me: “He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight.”
Nurse: “Oh, okay. Anything else?”
Me: “He’s battling hemorrhoids.”
Nurse: “I’m sure he’ll be interested to know that’s now in your medical chart.”
Me: “I doubt it, he sent me and folks he works with a photo.”
Me: “Do you want to include the photo in my chart?”
Nurse; “No, that’s not necessary.”
Nurse: “Is your father still alive?”
Me: “Nope, he died in 2008.”
Nurse: “What happened to him?”
Me: “Drove off an embankment and plunged into a river 50 feet below.”
Nurse: “That sounds dreadful.”
Me: “Coroner said he died peacefully in his sleep.
It wasn’t so peaceful for the other three people in the car with him though.”
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
On the outskirts of a small town
4.
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,…
was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”
One day a man decides he wants
A blonde named Anna
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,…
was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”
One day a man decides he wants
A blonde named Anna
5.
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
Then he asked for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”
He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”
The bartender asks the guy sitting
A man walked into a bar and ordered
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
Then he asked for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”
He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”
The bartender asks the guy sitting
A man walked into a bar and ordered
6.
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
7.
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over.
There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”
“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake home up now.”
“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. ”
Certainly if I get on top of you and bang you, he’ll wake up won’t he?
“Sugar, he certainly won’t.
If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his bastard and see if that wakes him.”
Charlie did just that.
He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and bang her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night.
Each time Charlie scr*wed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s bastard hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you mating my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my bum for a scoreboard!”
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A girl walks in class
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over.
There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”
“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake home up now.”
“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. ”
Certainly if I get on top of you and bang you, he’ll wake up won’t he?
“Sugar, he certainly won’t.
If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his bastard and see if that wakes him.”
Charlie did just that.
He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and bang her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night.
Each time Charlie scr*wed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s bastard hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you mating my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my bum for a scoreboard!”
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A girl walks in class
8.
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja saw a portly nobleman riding towards him.
“I say, Mulla,” said the man.
“Which is the way to the palace?”
“How did you know I was a Mulla?” asked Hodja.
The nobleman had a habit of addressing every scholarly-looking man as “Mulla,” which was a title given to learned men and meant “master” but he didn’t want to tell Hodja that.
“How did I know?” he bragged.
“Well, I’m a mind-reader, that’s how.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Hodja.
“As to your question, read my mind and proceed.”
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Two young guys appear in court
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja saw a portly nobleman riding towards him.
“I say, Mulla,” said the man.
“Which is the way to the palace?”
“How did you know I was a Mulla?” asked Hodja.
The nobleman had a habit of addressing every scholarly-looking man as “Mulla,” which was a title given to learned men and meant “master” but he didn’t want to tell Hodja that.
“How did I know?” he bragged.
“Well, I’m a mind-reader, that’s how.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Hodja.
“As to your question, read my mind and proceed.”
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Two young guys appear in court
9.
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said– “Well yeah, if that’s what they are– I never heard of circle flies”.
So the farmer says– “Well, circle flies are common on farms see, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?”
The farmer says, “Oh no, officer I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end.”
The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, ” Hard to fool them flies though.”
A nice priest whom she asked
Two men both seriously ill
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said– “Well yeah, if that’s what they are– I never heard of circle flies”.
So the farmer says– “Well, circle flies are common on farms see, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?”
The farmer says, “Oh no, officer I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end.”
The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, ” Hard to fool them flies though.”
A nice priest whom she asked
Two men both seriously ill
10.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He then returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.
A young lady settled down in her local train
Two young brothers in Rome
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He then returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.
A young lady settled down in her local train
Two young brothers in Rome
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11.
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..’
She said, ‘I’m a queer. I spend my whole day thinking about undressed women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about undressed women. When I shower, I think about undressed women. When I watch TV, I think about undressed women. It seems everything makes me think of undressed women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a queer.’
A boy is wandering in a hotel
A man hankering after some chili
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..’
She said, ‘I’m a queer. I spend my whole day thinking about undressed women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about undressed women. When I shower, I think about undressed women. When I watch TV, I think about undressed women. It seems everything makes me think of undressed women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a queer.’
A boy is wandering in a hotel
A man hankering after some chili
12.
An old man is 85-year old and insists on taking his wife’s hand everywhere they go.
When a man asked him why his wife kept looking away, he responded,
“Because she has Alzheimer’s.” the old man said.
Then the man proceeded to ask him, will your wife worry if you let her go?
He then replied, “She doesn’t remember anything, she doesn’t know who I am anymore, she hasn’t recognized me for years.”
Surprised, the old man said, “And you have continued to guide her every single day even though she doesn’t recognize you?”
The elderly man smiled and looked into the man’s eyes and said, “She may not know who I am, but I know who she is, and she is the love of my life.”
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch
An old man is 85-year old and insists on taking his wife’s hand everywhere they go.
When a man asked him why his wife kept looking away, he responded,
“Because she has Alzheimer’s.” the old man said.
Then the man proceeded to ask him, will your wife worry if you let her go?
He then replied, “She doesn’t remember anything, she doesn’t know who I am anymore, she hasn’t recognized me for years.”
Surprised, the old man said, “And you have continued to guide her every single day even though she doesn’t recognize you?”
The elderly man smiled and looked into the man’s eyes and said, “She may not know who I am, but I know who she is, and she is the love of my life.”
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch
13.
A beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him “Can you help me remove something from my corset please?”
‘The exciting young man replied, “Wow! It will be my pleasure……. So what is it?”
“Your Eyes, idiot!”
Two Irishmen were talking
Two drunks are driving down the highway
A beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him “Can you help me remove something from my corset please?”
‘The exciting young man replied, “Wow! It will be my pleasure……. So what is it?”
“Your Eyes, idiot!”
Two Irishmen were talking
Two drunks are driving down the highway
14.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money
Many people had tried…
over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “OK”; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow But the Crowd’s laughter turned to total silence…
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little fellow quietly replied: “I work for the Australian Taxation Office
A doctor entered the hospital
The first snow of the season
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money
Many people had tried…
over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “OK”; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow But the Crowd’s laughter turned to total silence…
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little fellow quietly replied: “I work for the Australian Taxation Office
A doctor entered the hospital
The first snow of the season
15.
A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months.
The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has.
The man says, “I’ve got a Rolls Royce – keep it until the loan is paid off – here are the keys.”
Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.
The loan officer asks him, ‘Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two hundred dollars?’
The man answers, ‘I had to go to Europe for six months, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?’
A man was being interviewed for a job
Three guys are in a Cessna
A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months.
The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has.
The man says, “I’ve got a Rolls Royce – keep it until the loan is paid off – here are the keys.”
Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.
The loan officer asks him, ‘Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two hundred dollars?’
The man answers, ‘I had to go to Europe for six months, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?’
A man was being interviewed for a job
Three guys are in a Cessna
16.
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it.
Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake.
That was my cousin and I’m going to give you two choices either I maul you to death or we have making love.”
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear has his way with Frank, Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder this time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank.
That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices, Either I maul you to death or we have rough make love.”
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.
So the grizzly has his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting do you?
A 24 year old boy
A hotel guest calls the front desk
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it.
Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake.
That was my cousin and I’m going to give you two choices either I maul you to death or we have making love.”
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear has his way with Frank, Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder this time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank.
That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices, Either I maul you to death or we have rough make love.”
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.
So the grizzly has his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting do you?
A 24 year old boy
A hotel guest calls the front desk
17.
There was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”
“Yup”
“What if you miss?”
He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”.
“Okay, we’ll I’ve got $20,000.
I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”
“Let’s go”, the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof.
The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his d*ck off.”
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks. “Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000”.
A woman wanted to reach her husband
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died
There was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”
“Yup”
“What if you miss?”
He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”.
“Okay, we’ll I’ve got $20,000.
I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”
“Let’s go”, the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof.
The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his d*ck off.”
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks. “Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000”.
A woman wanted to reach her husband
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died
18.
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”
A man and woman were having marriage problems
A young honeymoon couple were touring
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”
A man and woman were having marriage problems
A young honeymoon couple were touring
19.
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink.
He stayed like that for half an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started weeping bitterly.
The truck driver said, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just that this day is the worst of my life…
“First, I fall asleep, and I get to my office late. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, and head towards my car, I find out it was stolen.”
The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A science teacher asked her students
Two women go out one Saturday night
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink.
He stayed like that for half an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started weeping bitterly.
The truck driver said, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just that this day is the worst of my life…
“First, I fall asleep, and I get to my office late. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, and head towards my car, I find out it was stolen.”
The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A science teacher asked her students
Two women go out one Saturday night
20.
It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over.
Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be.
Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided.
OK, said the judge, turning to Sam, I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.
That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it said Sam I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.
Anne went away to college
Mom Dad Sit Down
It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over.
Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be.
Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided.
OK, said the judge, turning to Sam, I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.
That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it said Sam I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.
Anne went away to college
Mom Dad Sit Down
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21.
There was a village on the outskirts of a forest.
A shepherd boy used to take his herd of sheep across the fields to the lawns near the forest.
One day he felt very boring and wanted to have fun.
So he cried aloud “Wolf, Wolf.
The wolf is carrying away a lamb.”
Farmers working in the fields came running and asked, “Where is the wolf?” The boy laughed and replied “It was just a fun Now get going all of you”.
The boy played the trick for quite a number of times in the next few days.
After some days as the boy was sitting on a tree and singing a song, there came a wolf.
The boy cried loudly “Wolf, Wolf, The wolf is carrying a lamb away.” There was no one to come.
The boy shouted “Help! Wolf!” Still no one came to his help.
The villagers thought that the boy was playing mischief again.
The wolf carried a lamb away and the boy was very sad.
The Englishman & Irishman
A singles bar where he spotted
There was a village on the outskirts of a forest.
A shepherd boy used to take his herd of sheep across the fields to the lawns near the forest.
One day he felt very boring and wanted to have fun.
So he cried aloud “Wolf, Wolf.
The wolf is carrying away a lamb.”
Farmers working in the fields came running and asked, “Where is the wolf?” The boy laughed and replied “It was just a fun Now get going all of you”.
The boy played the trick for quite a number of times in the next few days.
After some days as the boy was sitting on a tree and singing a song, there came a wolf.
The boy cried loudly “Wolf, Wolf, The wolf is carrying a lamb away.” There was no one to come.
The boy shouted “Help! Wolf!” Still no one came to his help.
The villagers thought that the boy was playing mischief again.
The wolf carried a lamb away and the boy was very sad.
The Englishman & Irishman
A singles bar where he spotted
22.
A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says, “whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me.”
The bartender replies “I don’t think you want to do that.”
“What do you mean?” yells the polish guy, “Send her the drink!”
“OK.” the bartender replies, “but I don’t think it is a good idea.”
“And why not?” asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says “because she’s a queer.”
“I don’t care, send her the drink.” says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, “so what part of queer are you from?”
Joey was asked by his mother
Mommy has told her little girl
A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says, “whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me.”
The bartender replies “I don’t think you want to do that.”
“What do you mean?” yells the polish guy, “Send her the drink!”
“OK.” the bartender replies, “but I don’t think it is a good idea.”
“And why not?” asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says “because she’s a queer.”
“I don’t care, send her the drink.” says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, “so what part of queer are you from?”
Joey was asked by his mother
Mommy has told her little girl
23.
Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.
The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.
As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.
Days later the young man was proven innocent.
After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.
In court the old man told the Judge: He just made comments, didn’t harm anyone.
The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man: Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.
Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.
Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.
The next day, the judge told the old man: Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.
The old man said: I can’t do that ! The wind spread them and I won’t know where to find them.
The judge then replied: The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.
“If you can’t speak well of someone, rather don’t say anything.”
Let’s all be masters of our mouths, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.
A elderly man is stopped
Here I was sitting at the bar
Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.
The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.
As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.
Days later the young man was proven innocent.
After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.
In court the old man told the Judge: He just made comments, didn’t harm anyone.
The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man: Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.
Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.
Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.
The next day, the judge told the old man: Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.
The old man said: I can’t do that ! The wind spread them and I won’t know where to find them.
The judge then replied: The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.
“If you can’t speak well of someone, rather don’t say anything.”
Let’s all be masters of our mouths, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.
A elderly man is stopped
Here I was sitting at the bar
24.
It was a little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game.
She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.
When it was the new boy, Kenny’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.
She asked “Do you know what it is?”
Kenny replied “No”
The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.”
Little Kenny did so.
The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?”
Little Kenny said “No.”
The teacher said, “I”ll give you a hint it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.”
A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams “KENNY, SPIT IT OUT… IT’S A PIECE OF BUM.”
A couple on their first night
Johnny went to the store with his grandmother
It was a little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game.
She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.
When it was the new boy, Kenny’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.
She asked “Do you know what it is?”
Kenny replied “No”
The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.”
Little Kenny did so.
The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?”
Little Kenny said “No.”
The teacher said, “I”ll give you a hint it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.”
A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams “KENNY, SPIT IT OUT… IT’S A PIECE OF BUM.”
A couple on their first night
Johnny went to the store with his grandmother
25.
A man get a call girl and during a particularly good love making session decides to eat her out.
During his meal he notices a piece of carrot protruding from her lady lips, not wishing to cause a scene he throws the carrot over his shoulder and continues pleasuring her.
After a brief time he notices a small green pea wedged just under her clit, suddenly filled with disgust the man jumps up and screams his findings to the call girl.
He then proceeds to ask her are u sick or something?
The call girl looks at him sheepishly and says no, but the guy before you was.
3 thieves rob a bank
Three mice are sitting in a bar
A man get a call girl and during a particularly good love making session decides to eat her out.
During his meal he notices a piece of carrot protruding from her lady lips, not wishing to cause a scene he throws the carrot over his shoulder and continues pleasuring her.
After a brief time he notices a small green pea wedged just under her clit, suddenly filled with disgust the man jumps up and screams his findings to the call girl.
He then proceeds to ask her are u sick or something?
The call girl looks at him sheepishly and says no, but the guy before you was.
3 thieves rob a bank
Three mice are sitting in a bar
26.
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of melons.
In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’
Harry walks in the bathroom
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of melons.
In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’
Harry walks in the bathroom
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
27.
A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
An elderly couple had dinner at another
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
An elderly couple had dinner at another
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
28.
People have been coming to the wise man, complaining about the same problems every time.
One day he told them a joke and everyone roared in laughter.
After a couple of minutes, he told them the same joke and only a few of them smiled.
When he told the same joke for the third time no one laughed anymore.
The wise man smiled and said,
“You can’t laugh at the same joke over and over so why are you always crying about the same problem?”
A John Wayne And His Horse
A old hunter of foxes
People have been coming to the wise man, complaining about the same problems every time.
One day he told them a joke and everyone roared in laughter.
After a couple of minutes, he told them the same joke and only a few of them smiled.
When he told the same joke for the third time no one laughed anymore.
The wise man smiled and said,
“You can’t laugh at the same joke over and over so why are you always crying about the same problem?”
A John Wayne And His Horse
A old hunter of foxes
29.
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque.
“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike he won’t bother you but, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”
See – Men just don’t listen!
A Buddhist monk
Father was a hardworking man
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque.
“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike he won’t bother you but, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”
See – Men just don’t listen!
A Buddhist monk
Father was a hardworking man
30.
There once was an elderly man who sold flowers in a small town and did quite well for himself.
Across the street some monks opened a flower shop as well and gave all their profits to charity and under priced the man.
The man had to do something or lose his business so at first he begged.
But nothing he tried got them to leave.
He then hired a man named Hugh who promised to solve his problem.
The next morning the monks were packing up and moving away.
Moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The junior executive had been complaining
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
There once was an elderly man who sold flowers in a small town and did quite well for himself.
Across the street some monks opened a flower shop as well and gave all their profits to charity and under priced the man.
The man had to do something or lose his business so at first he begged.
But nothing he tried got them to leave.
He then hired a man named Hugh who promised to solve his problem.
The next morning the monks were packing up and moving away.
Moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The junior executive had been complaining
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
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Eng Jokes