1.
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said…
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”
Two Travelers walking in the noonday
The pilot complains about the airman
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said…
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”
Two Travelers walking in the noonday
The pilot complains about the airman
2.
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman from the want ads.
The handyman shows up in overalls, chewing a piece of straw in his teeth.
“What y’all want done ’round here?” the bumpkin asks.
“I need you to demolish my porch. Smash it apart, and haul the scrap away to the junkyard.”
“Alrighty!” says the bumpkin. “I’ll have ‘er done in a jiffy.” And off he goes.
He comes back, several hours later, all sweaty, and tired. “Well… work’s all done.
But you of all folks oughta know, that that weren’t no Porsche. It’s was a Ferrari.”
A guy dials his home and a strange woman
A guy phones up his Boss
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman from the want ads.
The handyman shows up in overalls, chewing a piece of straw in his teeth.
“What y’all want done ’round here?” the bumpkin asks.
“I need you to demolish my porch. Smash it apart, and haul the scrap away to the junkyard.”
“Alrighty!” says the bumpkin. “I’ll have ‘er done in a jiffy.” And off he goes.
He comes back, several hours later, all sweaty, and tired. “Well… work’s all done.
But you of all folks oughta know, that that weren’t no Porsche. It’s was a Ferrari.”
A guy dials his home and a strange woman
A guy phones up his Boss
3.
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he asked.
“Then I’ll come home and eat,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?” inquired the father.
“I will come home and get some,” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!”
Two little boys were arguing
A farmer and his wife were laying
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he asked.
“Then I’ll come home and eat,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?” inquired the father.
“I will come home and get some,” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!”
Two little boys were arguing
A farmer and his wife were laying
4.
What bird can do more that others?
A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum?
A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling.
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.
What bird works in construction? A Crane.
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.
What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.
What bird just got arrested? A Robin.
What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.
What is a man’s favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco.
What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.
What bird can’t walk straight? A warbler.
What bird parties the most? A Raven
Men at interview
A newly married Liam
What bird can do more that others?
A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum?
A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling.
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.
What bird works in construction? A Crane.
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.
What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.
What bird just got arrested? A Robin.
What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.
What is a man’s favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco.
What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.
What bird can’t walk straight? A warbler.
What bird parties the most? A Raven
Men at interview
A newly married Liam
5.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery,
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
A very wealthy lawyer
A man went to his lawyer
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery,
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
A very wealthy lawyer
A man went to his lawyer
6.
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,
“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.
“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
A man scolded his son
What is politics
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,
“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.
“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
A man scolded his son
What is politics
7.
A lady went to a doctor’s office, and was being examined by a doctor.
A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life.
After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.
The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed:
“Shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”
The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said:
“Does she still have the hiccups?”
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
A husband and wife talking
A lady went to a doctor’s office, and was being examined by a doctor.
A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life.
After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.
The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed:
“Shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”
The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said:
“Does she still have the hiccups?”
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
A husband and wife talking
8.
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
“How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
Adam was talking to his friend
A young couple on their wedding night
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
“How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
Adam was talking to his friend
A young couple on their wedding night
9.
Thai woman marries American man but she cannot speak English and he almost cannot speak Thai.
Somehow they make arrangement she will join English speaking class which is known for being highly effective for Thai people.
The very next day the Thai wife is sitting at home after her first class.
The American husband walks in and suddenly his wife says without an accent:
Hi, darling! Welcome home.
Hi, sweetheart! Oh, that’s a miracle! I am really glad you can now speak English! I did not expect you would learn it so fast!
Yes, I am really happy too. How was your day, darling?
Well, I am really tired!
Okay… Rest in peace!
A woman goes into a toy shop
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary
Thai woman marries American man but she cannot speak English and he almost cannot speak Thai.
Somehow they make arrangement she will join English speaking class which is known for being highly effective for Thai people.
The very next day the Thai wife is sitting at home after her first class.
The American husband walks in and suddenly his wife says without an accent:
Hi, darling! Welcome home.
Hi, sweetheart! Oh, that’s a miracle! I am really glad you can now speak English! I did not expect you would learn it so fast!
Yes, I am really happy too. How was your day, darling?
Well, I am really tired!
Okay… Rest in peace!
A woman goes into a toy shop
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary
10.
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.
The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”
The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.
He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.
While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.
The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”
He breaks into a house to look for money
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.
The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”
The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.
He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.
While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.
The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”
He breaks into a house to look for money
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
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11.
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”
“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”
“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”
“But why?”
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”
A elderly man goes into confession
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”
“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”
“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”
“But why?”
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”
A elderly man goes into confession
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
12.
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the movie channel.
He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?”
“Well, we can sure try!” she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom.
He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.
“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”
A family are driving in their car
The man calls the manager and says
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the movie channel.
He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?”
“Well, we can sure try!” she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom.
He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.
“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”
A family are driving in their car
The man calls the manager and says
13.
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.
The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”
The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”
A attorney telephoned the governor
The priest noticed a boy wearing a raincoat
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.
The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”
The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”
A attorney telephoned the governor
The priest noticed a boy wearing a raincoat
14.
One sunny day a man decided to go jump from an airplane.
When he jumped there was good and bad news.
Good news: He had a parachute.
Bad News: It didn’t work.
Good News: There was a haystack down below.
Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack.
Good News: He missed the pitchfork.
Bad News: He missed the haystack.
Paddy was summoned to court
A blonde heard that baths in milk
One sunny day a man decided to go jump from an airplane.
When he jumped there was good and bad news.
Good news: He had a parachute.
Bad News: It didn’t work.
Good News: There was a haystack down below.
Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack.
Good News: He missed the pitchfork.
Bad News: He missed the haystack.
Paddy was summoned to court
A blonde heard that baths in milk
15.
Mom, why am I named Rosemary?”
“Because on the day you were born the cook of the hospital accidentally spilled a little rosemary on your cheek while you were in the incubator .”
Satisfied the girl leaves the room and her brother walks in. “Mom, why is my name Leaf?”
“Because on the day you were born a visitor was carry a bouquet of flowers and one of the leaves fell of and landed on your forehead.”
The satisfied boy left the room and his sister came in the room.
“Mommy, why was I named Lily?”
“Because on the day you were born-“
“Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!”
” KEEP QUIET REAL LIFE MINECRAFT GRAVEL I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER! “
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
A Kurdish man goes to a store
Mom, why am I named Rosemary?”
“Because on the day you were born the cook of the hospital accidentally spilled a little rosemary on your cheek while you were in the incubator .”
Satisfied the girl leaves the room and her brother walks in. “Mom, why is my name Leaf?”
“Because on the day you were born a visitor was carry a bouquet of flowers and one of the leaves fell of and landed on your forehead.”
The satisfied boy left the room and his sister came in the room.
“Mommy, why was I named Lily?”
“Because on the day you were born-“
“Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!”
” KEEP QUIET REAL LIFE MINECRAFT GRAVEL I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER! “
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
A Kurdish man goes to a store
16.
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.
She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in Esperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken.
Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her corset to show the butcher her melons.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
What were you thinking? Hellooo, her husband speaks English!!
A couple was lying in bed one evening
A young man and a young woman
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.
She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in Esperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken.
Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her corset to show the butcher her melons.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
What were you thinking? Hellooo, her husband speaks English!!
A couple was lying in bed one evening
A young man and a young woman
17.
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for a large cooking container, borrowed his neighbor’s copper cauldron, then returned it in a timely manner.
“What is this?” asked his neighbor upon examining the returned cauldron.
“There is a small pot inside my cauldron.”
“Oh,” responded the Hodja.
“While it was in my care your cauldron gave birth to a little one because you are the owner of the mother cauldron, it is only right that you should keep its baby and in any event, it would not be right to separate the child from its mother at such a young age.”
The neighbor, thinking that the Hodja had gone quite mad, did not argue.
Whatever had caused the crazy man to come up with this explanation, the neighbor had a nice little pot, and it had cost him nothing.
Some time later the Hodja asked to borrow the cauldron again.
“Why not?” thought the neighbor to himself.
“Perhaps there will be another little pot inside when he returns it.”
But this time the Hodja did not return the cauldron.
After many days had passed, the neighbor went to the Hodja and asked for the return of the borrowed cauldron.
“My dear friend,” replied the Hodja.
“I have bad news
Your cauldron has died, and is now in her grave.”
“What are you saying?” shouted the neighbor a cauldron does not live, and it cannot die return it to me at once!”
“One moment!” answered the Hodja.
“This is the same cauldron that but a short time ago gave birth to a child, a child that is still in your possession if a cauldron can give birth to a child, then it also can die.”
And the neighbor never again saw his cauldron.
A teacher in New York
The best positions for prayer
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for a large cooking container, borrowed his neighbor’s copper cauldron, then returned it in a timely manner.
“What is this?” asked his neighbor upon examining the returned cauldron.
“There is a small pot inside my cauldron.”
“Oh,” responded the Hodja.
“While it was in my care your cauldron gave birth to a little one because you are the owner of the mother cauldron, it is only right that you should keep its baby and in any event, it would not be right to separate the child from its mother at such a young age.”
The neighbor, thinking that the Hodja had gone quite mad, did not argue.
Whatever had caused the crazy man to come up with this explanation, the neighbor had a nice little pot, and it had cost him nothing.
Some time later the Hodja asked to borrow the cauldron again.
“Why not?” thought the neighbor to himself.
“Perhaps there will be another little pot inside when he returns it.”
But this time the Hodja did not return the cauldron.
After many days had passed, the neighbor went to the Hodja and asked for the return of the borrowed cauldron.
“My dear friend,” replied the Hodja.
“I have bad news
Your cauldron has died, and is now in her grave.”
“What are you saying?” shouted the neighbor a cauldron does not live, and it cannot die return it to me at once!”
“One moment!” answered the Hodja.
“This is the same cauldron that but a short time ago gave birth to a child, a child that is still in your possession if a cauldron can give birth to a child, then it also can die.”
And the neighbor never again saw his cauldron.
A teacher in New York
The best positions for prayer
18.
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said,
“I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Did anything happen today
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said,
“I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Did anything happen today
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
19.
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they’re at sea for so long.
“Let me show you,” says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there’s a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
“This’ll be the best make love you’ll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I’ll give you some privacy.”
The recruit doesn’t quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway.
After he finishes up, the captain returns.
“Wow! That was the best make love I’ve ever had! I want to do it every day!”
“Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday.”
“Why not Thursday?”
“That’s your day in the barrel.”
Harry and his wife are driving
Grandchildren asked their grandfather
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they’re at sea for so long.
“Let me show you,” says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there’s a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
“This’ll be the best make love you’ll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I’ll give you some privacy.”
The recruit doesn’t quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway.
After he finishes up, the captain returns.
“Wow! That was the best make love I’ve ever had! I want to do it every day!”
“Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday.”
“Why not Thursday?”
“That’s your day in the barrel.”
Harry and his wife are driving
Grandchildren asked their grandfather
20.
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they’ve run out, goes back to question the chef.
“Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?”
Gus replies, “I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left.”
The waiter says, “Give him the rotten eggs. He’s so bombed he won’t know the difference.”
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast.
The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, “Where’d you get those eggs?”
She replies, “We have our own chicken farm.”
The drunk asks, “Do you have a rooster?
“No,” she says.
The drunk replies, “Well, you’d better get one, because some skunk is bang your chickens.”
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they’ve run out, goes back to question the chef.
“Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?”
Gus replies, “I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left.”
The waiter says, “Give him the rotten eggs. He’s so bombed he won’t know the difference.”
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast.
The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, “Where’d you get those eggs?”
She replies, “We have our own chicken farm.”
The drunk asks, “Do you have a rooster?
“No,” she says.
The drunk replies, “Well, you’d better get one, because some skunk is bang your chickens.”
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
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One Sunday Morning Satan Appeared Funny
Laugh Out Loud Central Your Daily
21.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, doctor,” said the curvy girl.
“I feel tired, dragged out. Pooped. No pep. No get up and go. Is it vitamin deficiency, low blood count, or what?”
The physician gave her a top-to-toe examination and then his verdict.
“Young lady, there’s really nothing wrong with you. You’re run-down that’s all. You’ve been working too hard.”
“I suggest you try staying out of bed for a few days.”
A blonde decides to make an experiment
A teacher asks her class
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, doctor,” said the curvy girl.
“I feel tired, dragged out. Pooped. No pep. No get up and go. Is it vitamin deficiency, low blood count, or what?”
The physician gave her a top-to-toe examination and then his verdict.
“Young lady, there’s really nothing wrong with you. You’re run-down that’s all. You’ve been working too hard.”
“I suggest you try staying out of bed for a few days.”
A blonde decides to make an experiment
A teacher asks her class
22.
A Samurai who was known for his nobility and honesty, went to visit a Zen monk to ask him for his advice.
When the monk had finished his prayers, the Samurai asked,
Why do I feel so inferior? I have faced death many times, have defended those who are weak.
“Nevertheless, upon seeing you meditating, I felt that my life had absolutely no importance whatsoever.”
Wait once I have attended to all those who come to see me today, I shall answer you.
The samurai spent the whole day sitting in the temple gardens, watching the people go in and out in search of advice.
He saw how the monk received them all with the same patience and the same illuminated smile on his face.
At nightfall, when everyone had gone, he demanded: Now can you teach me?
The master invited him in and lead him to his room.
The full moon shone in the sky, and the atmosphere was one of profound tranquility.
Do you see the moon, how beautiful it is? It will cross the entire firmament, and tomorrow the sun will shine once again.
“But sunlight is much brighter, and can show the details of the landscape around us: trees, mountains, clouds.”
“I have contemplated the two for years, and have never heard the moon say: why do I not shine like the sun? Is it because I am inferior?”
The monks were allowed to speak
Dove And Ant
A Samurai who was known for his nobility and honesty, went to visit a Zen monk to ask him for his advice.
When the monk had finished his prayers, the Samurai asked,
Why do I feel so inferior? I have faced death many times, have defended those who are weak.
“Nevertheless, upon seeing you meditating, I felt that my life had absolutely no importance whatsoever.”
Wait once I have attended to all those who come to see me today, I shall answer you.
The samurai spent the whole day sitting in the temple gardens, watching the people go in and out in search of advice.
He saw how the monk received them all with the same patience and the same illuminated smile on his face.
At nightfall, when everyone had gone, he demanded: Now can you teach me?
The master invited him in and lead him to his room.
The full moon shone in the sky, and the atmosphere was one of profound tranquility.
Do you see the moon, how beautiful it is? It will cross the entire firmament, and tomorrow the sun will shine once again.
“But sunlight is much brighter, and can show the details of the landscape around us: trees, mountains, clouds.”
“I have contemplated the two for years, and have never heard the moon say: why do I not shine like the sun? Is it because I am inferior?”
The monks were allowed to speak
Dove And Ant
23.
A woman goes to the supermarket.
She starts walking up and down the aisles.
Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her melons, and her privet part.
After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem.
She tells him no.
He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle.
She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.
He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again.
She touches her head and says, “Head of lettuce.”
Ears. “Two ears of corn.”
Breasts. “Two chicken front.”
Crotch: “Fantastic.”
A employee sits in his office
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
A woman goes to the supermarket.
She starts walking up and down the aisles.
Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her melons, and her privet part.
After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem.
She tells him no.
He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle.
She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.
He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again.
She touches her head and says, “Head of lettuce.”
Ears. “Two ears of corn.”
Breasts. “Two chicken front.”
Crotch: “Fantastic.”
A employee sits in his office
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
24.
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,
and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits.
After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint n*ked.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
“Nice b**bs,” says the man. “Where do you want the blinds?”
A lady approaches a priest and tells him
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,
and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits.
After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint n*ked.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
“Nice b**bs,” says the man. “Where do you want the blinds?”
A lady approaches a priest and tells him
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood
25.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied,
“Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
After the wedding he lays down the law
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied,
“Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
After the wedding he lays down the law
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed
26.
A couple is on their honeymoon.
The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?
I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink.
Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath?
I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out.
Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve got a confession to make.”
She says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
The husband picked up the phone
A young man and woman got married
A couple is on their honeymoon.
The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?
I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink.
Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath?
I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out.
Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve got a confession to make.”
She says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
The husband picked up the phone
A young man and woman got married
27.
It’s a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying “Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound.”
The man says, “I’m having a cookout this weekend. I’d like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please.”
The butcher shakes his head and says, “Sorry. I’m all out.”
The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, “How much is your ground sirloin?”
The proprietor replies, “It’s $3.29 per pound.”
“Three twenty nine!?!” exclaimed the customer. “Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!”
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, “Does he have any?”
“No. He’s out of it right now.”
“Well,” says the butcher. “When I don’t have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!
A doctor just finishes his check-up
Why do you want more pay
It’s a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying “Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound.”
The man says, “I’m having a cookout this weekend. I’d like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please.”
The butcher shakes his head and says, “Sorry. I’m all out.”
The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, “How much is your ground sirloin?”
The proprietor replies, “It’s $3.29 per pound.”
“Three twenty nine!?!” exclaimed the customer. “Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!”
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, “Does he have any?”
“No. He’s out of it right now.”
“Well,” says the butcher. “When I don’t have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!
A doctor just finishes his check-up
Why do you want more pay
28.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Gui try
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question…. which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”
Sigmund Freud
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man comes home with his little daughter
Once upon a time a married couple
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Gui try
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question…. which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”
Sigmund Freud
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man comes home with his little daughter
Once upon a time a married couple
29.
Two elderly ladies have been friends for decades.
Over the years, they partook in many activities and adventures together.
Lately, their activities have been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day when they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said:
“Now don’t get mad at me I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what it is.”
Her friend glared at her for a few minutes before replying, “How soon do you need to know?”
A blonde wanting to earn some money
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding
Two elderly ladies have been friends for decades.
Over the years, they partook in many activities and adventures together.
Lately, their activities have been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day when they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said:
“Now don’t get mad at me I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what it is.”
Her friend glared at her for a few minutes before replying, “How soon do you need to know?”
A blonde wanting to earn some money
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding
30.
One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.
The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”
She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.”
“My farts never smell, and are always silent.”
“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.
“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”
The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
A rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.
The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”
She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.”
“My farts never smell, and are always silent.”
“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.
“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”
The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
A rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
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Eng Jokes