1.
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
A mother was working in the kitchen
A woman is in bed with her lover
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
A mother was working in the kitchen
A woman is in bed with her lover
2.
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied.
“I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”
A old gentleman marries a younger lady
She woke up and told her husband
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied.
“I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”
A old gentleman marries a younger lady
She woke up and told her husband
3.
Two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Canting in Mexico by coincidence.
“Hey buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about and I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo
The devil decides to them a visit
Two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Canting in Mexico by coincidence.
“Hey buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about and I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo
The devil decides to them a visit
4.
The salesman approaches the farmer and says, “Good day to you sir! I’d like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what.”
Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and without a word leads the man to the barn.
When they get there he says,
“You a good salesman? Let me tell you a story.”
“The other day I came out to milk old Bessie. I just got sat down behind her and she kicks me with her back left leg.”
“So I tied it to the stall. Then she kicks me with her back right leg. So I tied that to the stall, too. Then she swats me right in the face with her tail. So I tied a piece of twine to her tail and looped the other end
over the rafters.”
The salesman gives a puzzled nod, and the farmer continues.
“Then my wife walked into the barn and she sees me standing behind old Bessie.”
“Now, mister… if you can convince my wife I was only trying to MILK that cow I’ll buy one of your damn tractors.”
A baby turtle was standing
Three little boys visiting their grandparents
The salesman approaches the farmer and says, “Good day to you sir! I’d like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what.”
Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and without a word leads the man to the barn.
When they get there he says,
“You a good salesman? Let me tell you a story.”
“The other day I came out to milk old Bessie. I just got sat down behind her and she kicks me with her back left leg.”
“So I tied it to the stall. Then she kicks me with her back right leg. So I tied that to the stall, too. Then she swats me right in the face with her tail. So I tied a piece of twine to her tail and looped the other end
over the rafters.”
The salesman gives a puzzled nod, and the farmer continues.
“Then my wife walked into the barn and she sees me standing behind old Bessie.”
“Now, mister… if you can convince my wife I was only trying to MILK that cow I’ll buy one of your damn tractors.”
A baby turtle was standing
Three little boys visiting their grandparents
5.
A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her undressed body.
He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.
A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.
When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
“All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
A kid says to his mother
A priest walked into a barber shop
A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her undressed body.
He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.
A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.
When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
“All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
A kid says to his mother
A priest walked into a barber shop
6.
Wife’s Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
The conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.”
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do.
I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary, same day: A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
A child asked his father
Wife had delivered twins
Wife’s Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
The conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.”
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do.
I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary, same day: A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
A child asked his father
Wife had delivered twins
7.
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”
His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”
He says, “Do I complain when you go out and buy a new corset?”
This elderly couple is watching television
A woman is bouncing on her bed
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”
His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”
He says, “Do I complain when you go out and buy a new corset?”
This elderly couple is watching television
A woman is bouncing on her bed
8.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll
A work-related accident claim
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll
A work-related accident claim
9.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary,
“I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled jeeringly and said,
“John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know he’s only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Brian proposed to Jill
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary,
“I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled jeeringly and said,
“John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know he’s only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Brian proposed to Jill
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
10.
A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
?????: “? ????? ???????? ??? ?????. ?? ???? ??? ? ??????? ??? ????.”
A man was sitting on the edge
He was a widower and she was a widow
A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
?????: “? ????? ???????? ??? ?????. ?? ???? ??? ? ??????? ??? ????.”
A man was sitting on the edge
He was a widower and she was a widow
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11.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner’s wife.
He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man after another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is lovemaking around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your underclothes before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here.
She opened the door to see a well
Elderly ranchers were enjoying breakfast
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner’s wife.
He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man after another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is lovemaking around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your underclothes before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here.
She opened the door to see a well
Elderly ranchers were enjoying breakfast
12.
Guy calls in to his Boss.
Worker: I can’t come to work today. I’m sick
Boss: Oh yea! What’s wrong with you now?
Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Worker: I just can’t see my bum working today.
A man dies goes to Heaven
A group of soldiers stood in formation
Guy calls in to his Boss.
Worker: I can’t come to work today. I’m sick
Boss: Oh yea! What’s wrong with you now?
Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Worker: I just can’t see my bum working today.
A man dies goes to Heaven
A group of soldiers stood in formation
13.
A man was driving down the highway when another car starts to tailgate him.
To make some room between them, the man in front speeds up and pulls ahead.
As he speeds up, the car behind him speeds up and matches his speed.
Again, the man speeds up to make some room between the two cars.
Again, the car behind him speeds up and continues to tailgate home.
To make matters work, the man’s wife calls his cell phone.
“Hey, dear, sorry I can’t talk right now.
I’m on the highway going ninety miles per hour but this bozo is still tailgating me like crazy.
And to make matters worse,” the man continues, “he’s blinding me with his red and blue lights.”
Three guys were walking through
Little kids want to help you
A man was driving down the highway when another car starts to tailgate him.
To make some room between them, the man in front speeds up and pulls ahead.
As he speeds up, the car behind him speeds up and matches his speed.
Again, the man speeds up to make some room between the two cars.
Again, the car behind him speeds up and continues to tailgate home.
To make matters work, the man’s wife calls his cell phone.
“Hey, dear, sorry I can’t talk right now.
I’m on the highway going ninety miles per hour but this bozo is still tailgating me like crazy.
And to make matters worse,” the man continues, “he’s blinding me with his red and blue lights.”
Three guys were walking through
Little kids want to help you
14.
George goes to the doctor after getting some very bad news about his condition.
Doctor: “Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live.”
George: “Doctor, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked.
“What can I do to live at least a little longer? I don’t have any family but I really want to finish all the tv shows I’m watching.”
Doctor: “Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?”
George: “Yes.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “If I’ll live longer, sure!”
Doctor: “Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?”
George: “Yes.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “If it allows me to live longer, sure.”
Doctor: “Do you stay up late?”
George: “Most nights.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “Alright, done.”
Doctor: “Do you have make love often?”
George: “Yes. A lot.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “Well, I guess, if it means living longer.”
Doctor: “Do you smoke?”
George: “Yes.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “If it allows me to live longer, I will.”
Doctor: “Do you drink?”
George: “Yes…”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “OK Doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?”
Doctor: “You’ll still only live a week… but it will seem like a decade.”
A old lady walked into the Bank
The doctor came in and said
George goes to the doctor after getting some very bad news about his condition.
Doctor: “Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live.”
George: “Doctor, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked.
“What can I do to live at least a little longer? I don’t have any family but I really want to finish all the tv shows I’m watching.”
Doctor: “Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?”
George: “Yes.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “If I’ll live longer, sure!”
Doctor: “Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?”
George: “Yes.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “If it allows me to live longer, sure.”
Doctor: “Do you stay up late?”
George: “Most nights.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “Alright, done.”
Doctor: “Do you have make love often?”
George: “Yes. A lot.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “Well, I guess, if it means living longer.”
Doctor: “Do you smoke?”
George: “Yes.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “If it allows me to live longer, I will.”
Doctor: “Do you drink?”
George: “Yes…”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “OK Doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?”
Doctor: “You’ll still only live a week… but it will seem like a decade.”
A old lady walked into the Bank
The doctor came in and said
15.
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up! you’re next!”
A elderly couple who were both widowed
A young couple going on a honeymoon
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up! you’re next!”
A elderly couple who were both widowed
A young couple going on a honeymoon
16.
A woman walks into the City Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids .
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up
I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri
“All right,” says the caseworker
“I’m seeing a pattern here
Are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop
It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch
“I call them by their surnames!”
A climber fell off a cliff
It was no ordinary watch
A woman walks into the City Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids .
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up
I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri
“All right,” says the caseworker
“I’m seeing a pattern here
Are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop
It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch
“I call them by their surnames!”
A climber fell off a cliff
It was no ordinary watch
17.
The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut.
When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently.
He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail.
Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut.
When his friend arrived, he went to the hut’s opening to greet him just then, the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king and killed him.
A tourist is picked up by a cab
The father shark said to the son shark
The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut.
When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently.
He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail.
Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut.
When his friend arrived, he went to the hut’s opening to greet him just then, the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king and killed him.
A tourist is picked up by a cab
The father shark said to the son shark
18.
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied:
“I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He asked her why she was going.
She told him: “I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free.”
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said:
“And just where do you think you are going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” she asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!”
Before & After Marriage
Death comes to collect a man soul
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied:
“I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He asked her why she was going.
She told him: “I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free.”
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said:
“And just where do you think you are going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” she asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!”
Before & After Marriage
Death comes to collect a man soul
19.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
A man was walking down the street
A little boy was afraid of the dark
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
A man was walking down the street
A little boy was afraid of the dark
20.
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said,
“I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one ki444$ per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.
“That’s fine,” said the girl.
“I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled,
“Grandpa will pay the bill.”
A cows and two bulls are eating grass
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said,
“I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one ki444$ per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.
“That’s fine,” said the girl.
“I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled,
“Grandpa will pay the bill.”
A cows and two bulls are eating grass
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar
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21.
“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits.
“Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it.”
“You’ll have to ask her.”
“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home.
“Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh for frick sake”, yells Great Granny.
“Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”
A man and his wife arrive from trip
A elderly husband and wife noticed
“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits.
“Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it.”
“You’ll have to ask her.”
“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home.
“Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh for frick sake”, yells Great Granny.
“Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”
A man and his wife arrive from trip
A elderly husband and wife noticed
22.
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later.
His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I s*cked everybody in there dry.”
The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood.
“You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I s*cked everybody’s blood dry!”
The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later,
his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood.
“Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother.
“Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire.
“Yeah?” Replied the other brothers, “I didn’t.”
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest
Two drunks are talking in a bar
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later.
His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I s*cked everybody in there dry.”
The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood.
“You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I s*cked everybody’s blood dry!”
The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later,
his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood.
“Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother.
“Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire.
“Yeah?” Replied the other brothers, “I didn’t.”
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest
Two drunks are talking in a bar
23.
Nurse: “How old are you?”
Patient: “None of your business.”
Nurse: “But the doctor must know your age for his records. Please, just tell me, I’m going to find it out anyway.”
Patient: “Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?”
Nurse: “Yes. Fifty.”
Patient: “All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?”
Nurse: “Zero.”
Patient: “Right. And that’s exactly the chance of me telling you my age.”
9-year old son comes home
A Italian girl tells her Mom
Nurse: “How old are you?”
Patient: “None of your business.”
Nurse: “But the doctor must know your age for his records. Please, just tell me, I’m going to find it out anyway.”
Patient: “Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?”
Nurse: “Yes. Fifty.”
Patient: “All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?”
Nurse: “Zero.”
Patient: “Right. And that’s exactly the chance of me telling you my age.”
9-year old son comes home
A Italian girl tells her Mom
24.
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
A man walks into the barber shop
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
A man walks into the barber shop
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
25.
“Jill,” a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, “do you mind telling me whose class you’re cutting this time?”
“Like,” the young teen replied, “uh, see, okay, like it’s like I really don’t like think like that’s really important, y’know, like because I’m y’know, like I don’t get anything out of it.”
“It’s English class, isn’t it?” replied the smiling teacher.
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting
“Jill,” a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, “do you mind telling me whose class you’re cutting this time?”
“Like,” the young teen replied, “uh, see, okay, like it’s like I really don’t like think like that’s really important, y’know, like because I’m y’know, like I don’t get anything out of it.”
“It’s English class, isn’t it?” replied the smiling teacher.
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting
26.
A man has been drinking all day at a bar.
Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.
“1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife’s going to kill me,” he says to the bartender.
But as he’s trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.
“I’m just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up.”
So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder.
At this point, he realizes this won’t work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house.
After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his blissfully sleeping wife and passes out.
The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.
“So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?”
The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: “Not really, just hanging with some coworkers we didn’t drink much just a couple of beers.”
His wife starts nodding understandably: “Ah ha, makes sense.”
She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:
“Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, idiot.”
A man hankering after some chili
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
A man has been drinking all day at a bar.
Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.
“1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife’s going to kill me,” he says to the bartender.
But as he’s trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.
“I’m just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up.”
So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder.
At this point, he realizes this won’t work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house.
After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his blissfully sleeping wife and passes out.
The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.
“So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?”
The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: “Not really, just hanging with some coworkers we didn’t drink much just a couple of beers.”
His wife starts nodding understandably: “Ah ha, makes sense.”
She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:
“Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, idiot.”
A man hankering after some chili
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
27.
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, “I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I’m going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life!”
The parts wanted to be Boss
A Young Mouse & Frog
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, “I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I’m going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life!”
The parts wanted to be Boss
A Young Mouse & Frog
28.
My son starts school today, It is all going to be strange and new to him for a while and I wish you would treat him gently.
It is an adventure that might take him across continents.
All adventures that probably include wars, tragedy and sorrow.
To live this life will require faith, love and courage.
So dear Teacher, will you please take him by his hand and teach him things he will have to know, teaching him – but gently, if you can.
Teach him that for every enemy, there is a friend.
He will have to know that all men are not just, that all men are not true.
But teach him also that for every scoundrel there is a hero, that for every crooked politician, there is a dedicated leader.
Teach him if you can that 10 cents earned is of far more value than a dollar found in school, teacher, it is far more honorable to fail than to cheat.
Teach him to learn how to gracefully lose, and enjoy winning when he does win.
Teach him to be gentle with people, tough with tough people.
A king had his men place a boulder
A 12-year-old girl was walking
My son starts school today, It is all going to be strange and new to him for a while and I wish you would treat him gently.
It is an adventure that might take him across continents.
All adventures that probably include wars, tragedy and sorrow.
To live this life will require faith, love and courage.
So dear Teacher, will you please take him by his hand and teach him things he will have to know, teaching him – but gently, if you can.
Teach him that for every enemy, there is a friend.
He will have to know that all men are not just, that all men are not true.
But teach him also that for every scoundrel there is a hero, that for every crooked politician, there is a dedicated leader.
Teach him if you can that 10 cents earned is of far more value than a dollar found in school, teacher, it is far more honorable to fail than to cheat.
Teach him to learn how to gracefully lose, and enjoy winning when he does win.
Teach him to be gentle with people, tough with tough people.
A king had his men place a boulder
A 12-year-old girl was walking
29.
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed at 3:00 am when he heard an urgent knocking at the door.
Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he made his way to the door.
Can you give me a push, asked the man at the door.
Jeff looked at the man, thinking he looked a bit drunk, slammed the door in his face and went back to bed.
Shame on you, said his wife Sally, when hearing the story.
You remember on our vacation how our car got stuck in the middle of the night and that man helped us, go out there and push his car.
So Jeff trudges back out of bed, opens the door, and calls out OK I’m here to give you a push, where are you?I’m over here in the back came the voice on the swing.
A drunk phoned the local police
Jerry was in the hospital recovering
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed at 3:00 am when he heard an urgent knocking at the door.
Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he made his way to the door.
Can you give me a push, asked the man at the door.
Jeff looked at the man, thinking he looked a bit drunk, slammed the door in his face and went back to bed.
Shame on you, said his wife Sally, when hearing the story.
You remember on our vacation how our car got stuck in the middle of the night and that man helped us, go out there and push his car.
So Jeff trudges back out of bed, opens the door, and calls out OK I’m here to give you a push, where are you?I’m over here in the back came the voice on the swing.
A drunk phoned the local police
Jerry was in the hospital recovering
30.
A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their first night.
This was to be the first time they had made love and it was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few things about him.
As her husband took off his trousers, the wife noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared.
She asked him what at happened and the husband explained “as a child I had kneasels”
“Kneesels?” she asked, “what on earth is that?”
He replied, “Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the knees”.
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared.
She asked about this and he replied, “oh as a child I had tolio”.
“Tolio?” she asked, “what on earth is that”
He explained, “Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes”.
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, “Don’t tell me, let me guess small cox”.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
A little boy first day in school
A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their first night.
This was to be the first time they had made love and it was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few things about him.
As her husband took off his trousers, the wife noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared.
She asked him what at happened and the husband explained “as a child I had kneasels”
“Kneesels?” she asked, “what on earth is that?”
He replied, “Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the knees”.
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared.
She asked about this and he replied, “oh as a child I had tolio”.
“Tolio?” she asked, “what on earth is that”
He explained, “Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes”.
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, “Don’t tell me, let me guess small cox”.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
A little boy first day in school
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