1.
A hungry guy really fancies a bowl of hot chili.
He sees a diner just up the street, so he decides to head there.
A pretty waitress shows him to his seat, and he promptly places his order.
The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full.
He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.
When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.
He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”
A old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks
A man has been drinking all day at a bar
A hungry guy really fancies a bowl of hot chili.
He sees a diner just up the street, so he decides to head there.
A pretty waitress shows him to his seat, and he promptly places his order.
The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full.
He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.
When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.
He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”
A old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks
A man has been drinking all day at a bar
2.
A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door.
He says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”
You can imagine that there’s a man with a woman in bed in that room.
The man asks, “What do you want? Here’s $10. Leave us alone.”
A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”
“Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something.”
The boy goes out with $20.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened.
She says: “That’s wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself.”
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”.
To which the priest says: “Not you again, are you following me around?”
This guy knocks on a door
A old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks
A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door.
He says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”
You can imagine that there’s a man with a woman in bed in that room.
The man asks, “What do you want? Here’s $10. Leave us alone.”
A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”
“Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something.”
The boy goes out with $20.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened.
She says: “That’s wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself.”
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”.
To which the priest says: “Not you again, are you following me around?”
This guy knocks on a door
A old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks
3.
A man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said,
“In my house, I am the boss.
I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made.
And when the dishes are washed.”
One of the guys at the table said,
“How long have you been married?”
The man says, “Oh I’m not married I’m single!”
Johnny went to the store with his grandmother
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting
A man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said,
“In my house, I am the boss.
I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made.
And when the dishes are washed.”
One of the guys at the table said,
“How long have you been married?”
The man says, “Oh I’m not married I’m single!”
Johnny went to the store with his grandmother
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting
4.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
The old lady was standing at the railing
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
The old lady was standing at the railing
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
5.
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That stupid Dave!” the fellow chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father
A frail old man is put in to a care home
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That stupid Dave!” the fellow chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father
A frail old man is put in to a care home
6.
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital.
She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The old lady in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The old lady said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one ever tells me anything about how I’m doing’.”
He was at in the pub last night
A police officer was investigating an accident
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital.
She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The old lady in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The old lady said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one ever tells me anything about how I’m doing’.”
He was at in the pub last night
A police officer was investigating an accident
7.
The real estate boss got a hot new secretary.
Afraid of make love annoyance issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.
But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.
“Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”
Looking him in the eyes, she replied, “My lawyer!”
A old man and old woman are together
Three women are about to be executed
The real estate boss got a hot new secretary.
Afraid of make love annoyance issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.
But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.
“Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”
Looking him in the eyes, she replied, “My lawyer!”
A old man and old woman are together
Three women are about to be executed
8.
An older couple were walking on a beach when the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.
“You can each have one wish,” said the genie.
The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”.
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world.
Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,”.
The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!
Two men met at a bus stop
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant
An older couple were walking on a beach when the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.
“You can each have one wish,” said the genie.
The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”.
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world.
Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,”.
The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!
Two men met at a bus stop
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant
9.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”.
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yeah, we’ll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry.
“Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
“I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says.
“SCRW THAT !! THIS BUDGIE JUMPING IS TOO DANGEROUS FOR ME !!”
A minute later…Seamus arrives at the cliff
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun….
“Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the poor parrot’s head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejesus, that PARROTSHOOTIN’ is also too dangerous for me.”
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag.
However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the same result as the other two men.
Once more Paddy shakes his head –
“Ahh, first there was Gerry wit’ his BUDGIE JUMPING, then Seamus PARROTSHOOTIN’ and now Sean with this HEN GLIDING !!!…”
A very complicated operation
Two men were hunting in the woods
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”.
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yeah, we’ll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry.
“Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
“I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says.
“SCRW THAT !! THIS BUDGIE JUMPING IS TOO DANGEROUS FOR ME !!”
A minute later…Seamus arrives at the cliff
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun….
“Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the poor parrot’s head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejesus, that PARROTSHOOTIN’ is also too dangerous for me.”
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag.
However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the same result as the other two men.
Once more Paddy shakes his head –
“Ahh, first there was Gerry wit’ his BUDGIE JUMPING, then Seamus PARROTSHOOTIN’ and now Sean with this HEN GLIDING !!!…”
A very complicated operation
Two men were hunting in the woods
10.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.
“It’s on sale. Only $10 for a case,” he replies.
“We can’t afford it. Put it back,” demands the wife.
They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
“So does the Budweiser and it’s half the price,” retorts the husband.
John and David were both patients
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.
“It’s on sale. Only $10 for a case,” he replies.
“We can’t afford it. Put it back,” demands the wife.
They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
“So does the Budweiser and it’s half the price,” retorts the husband.
John and David were both patients
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
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11.
A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.
“BIG JAKE’S COMIN’!” he cries. “EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE’S COMIN’!”
The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door.
In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.
A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside.
Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes.
He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep.
“Gimme some whiskey!” roars the giant.
The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle.
He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head
A man walks into a rooftop bar
A construction worker goes to the doctor
A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.
“BIG JAKE’S COMIN’!” he cries. “EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE’S COMIN’!”
The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door.
In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.
A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside.
Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes.
He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep.
“Gimme some whiskey!” roars the giant.
The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle.
He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head
A man walks into a rooftop bar
A construction worker goes to the doctor
12.
A businessman was in big trouble
He had put everything into his business, and now it was failing.
It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide
As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, “Here’s what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach.
Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water’s edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.
Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page.
Look down at the page and read the first thing you see
That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.”
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him
The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining.
The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious
“You did as I suggested?” he asked.
“Absolutely,” replied the businessman.
“You went to the beach?”
“Absolutely.”
“You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?”
“Absolutely.”
“You let the pages rifle until they stopped?”
“Absolutely.”
“And what were the first words you saw?”
“Chapter 11.”
He goes to monastery knocks the door
There was a prince
A businessman was in big trouble
He had put everything into his business, and now it was failing.
It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide
As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, “Here’s what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach.
Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water’s edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.
Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page.
Look down at the page and read the first thing you see
That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.”
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him
The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining.
The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious
“You did as I suggested?” he asked.
“Absolutely,” replied the businessman.
“You went to the beach?”
“Absolutely.”
“You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?”
“Absolutely.”
“You let the pages rifle until they stopped?”
“Absolutely.”
“And what were the first words you saw?”
“Chapter 11.”
He goes to monastery knocks the door
There was a prince
13.
A man and a woman meet in an elevator.
“Where are you heading today?” the man asks.
“I’m going down to give blood.”
“How much do you get paid for giving blood?”
“About $20.”
“Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to donate seed, and the seed bank pays $100.”
The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
“Fancy meeting you again.
Where you off to today?”
“seed bank,” she says with her mouth full
A girl walks in class
A young female teacher wearing
A man and a woman meet in an elevator.
“Where are you heading today?” the man asks.
“I’m going down to give blood.”
“How much do you get paid for giving blood?”
“About $20.”
“Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to donate seed, and the seed bank pays $100.”
The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
“Fancy meeting you again.
Where you off to today?”
“seed bank,” she says with her mouth full
A girl walks in class
A young female teacher wearing
14.
They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity,
God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish.
The first nun said with a blush, “This is slightly embarrassing,
but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me.
May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?”
Saint Peter said, “Your wish is granted!”
*POOF* She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.
The second nun agreed and said,
“I’d like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?”
Romantic Love Night After 50 Years
The smart kid has the perfect answer for his boss
They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity,
God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish.
The first nun said with a blush, “This is slightly embarrassing,
but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me.
May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?”
Saint Peter said, “Your wish is granted!”
*POOF* She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.
The second nun agreed and said,
“I’d like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?”
Romantic Love Night After 50 Years
The smart kid has the perfect answer for his boss
15.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with make love favors and she accepted,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”
She told her new husband
Johnny going to his first day of school
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with make love favors and she accepted,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”
She told her new husband
Johnny going to his first day of school
16.
Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.
“Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied, “Well Johnny, this sounds like a great quey for your mother.”
So off Johnny went to go ask his mother…
“Mom, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make a little cat but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s mom thought about it and said: “Well, Johnny, this sounds like a good question to ask Mr Jones down at the railroad yard.”
So off Johnny went to go ask Mr Jones.
“Mr Jones, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Mr Jones looked at Johnny seriously and said, “Well Johnny, that because Union pacific always pulls out on time!”
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
A little Johnny reading the story
Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.
“Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied, “Well Johnny, this sounds like a great quey for your mother.”
So off Johnny went to go ask his mother…
“Mom, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make a little cat but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s mom thought about it and said: “Well, Johnny, this sounds like a good question to ask Mr Jones down at the railroad yard.”
So off Johnny went to go ask Mr Jones.
“Mr Jones, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Mr Jones looked at Johnny seriously and said, “Well Johnny, that because Union pacific always pulls out on time!”
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
A little Johnny reading the story
17.
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
Then he asked for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”
He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”
The bartender asks the guy sitting
A man walked into a bar and ordered
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
Then he asked for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”
He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”
The bartender asks the guy sitting
A man walked into a bar and ordered
18.
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that!! I’ll take it!”
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”
The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”
The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”
A young boy says to his father
She told her new husband
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that!! I’ll take it!”
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”
The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”
The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”
A young boy says to his father
She told her new husband
19.
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent ‘s Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab Sheik.
After the surgery, the Arab Sheik sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
Couple of days later, once again, the Arab Sheik had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab Sheik this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab Sheik & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.
To this the Arab Sheik replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
A leading local politician
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent ‘s Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab Sheik.
After the surgery, the Arab Sheik sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
Couple of days later, once again, the Arab Sheik had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab Sheik this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab Sheik & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.
To this the Arab Sheik replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
A leading local politician
20.
A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie popped out.
“You have one wish” said the genie.
“Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?”
“Not from me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.”
“OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for peace between this country.”
“I’m really sorry” said the genie, “but I am not powerful enough for that.”
“That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.”
The genie sighed and said “alright let me see that map again.”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Two men met at a bus stop
A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie popped out.
“You have one wish” said the genie.
“Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?”
“Not from me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.”
“OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for peace between this country.”
“I’m really sorry” said the genie, “but I am not powerful enough for that.”
“That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.”
The genie sighed and said “alright let me see that map again.”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Two men met at a bus stop
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21.
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?”
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned.
“She insisted on washing the dishes.”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother. “I think it’s a wonderful gesture.”
“We hadn’t started eating yet.”
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
Kid and cop
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?”
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned.
“She insisted on washing the dishes.”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother. “I think it’s a wonderful gesture.”
“We hadn’t started eating yet.”
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
Kid and cop
22.
A man was in hurry to catch a train in time.
So he asks a farmer near a field,
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
A old woman walks into a tattoo shop
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
A man was in hurry to catch a train in time.
So he asks a farmer near a field,
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
A old woman walks into a tattoo shop
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
23.
Joke Title: Mr. Paddy
Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his assistant Paddy.
“I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don’t want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients.”
“Yes, sir!” answers Paddy.
The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: “So, Paddy, how was your day?”
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol.”
“Bravo Mate and the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin”.
“Excellent. You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
‘HELP ME! For five years I haven’t seen a man!’”
“Good God” says the doctor.”What did you do?”
“I put drops in her eyes.!”
Biker In A Roadside Bar
An american was touring Mexico
Joke Title: Mr. Paddy
Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his assistant Paddy.
“I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don’t want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients.”
“Yes, sir!” answers Paddy.
The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: “So, Paddy, how was your day?”
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol.”
“Bravo Mate and the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin”.
“Excellent. You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
‘HELP ME! For five years I haven’t seen a man!’”
“Good God” says the doctor.”What did you do?”
“I put drops in her eyes.!”
Biker In A Roadside Bar
An american was touring Mexico
24.
A blonde goes to the local bar, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it.
She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking.
After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, “I won a motor home! I won a motor home!”
The waitress runs over and argues, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!”
The blonde replies, “No. I won a motor home!”
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, “You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as one of our prizes.”
Again the blonde says, “There is no mistake! I won a motor home!”
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, “WIN A BAGEL.”
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A blonde goes to the local bar, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it.
She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking.
After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, “I won a motor home! I won a motor home!”
The waitress runs over and argues, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!”
The blonde replies, “No. I won a motor home!”
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, “You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as one of our prizes.”
Again the blonde says, “There is no mistake! I won a motor home!”
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, “WIN A BAGEL.”
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
25.
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of.
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of.
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
26.
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
27.
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
A man brings his best buddy home
Two elderly women were out driving
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
A man brings his best buddy home
Two elderly women were out driving
28.
A businessman is driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs.
The farmer is taking one pig at a time, holding it up, letting it eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting it down before picking up another pig and letting it eat an apple.
The businessman pulls over, walks up to the farmer and he says,
“Wouldn’t it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?”
And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says,
“What’s time to a pig?”
Two hunters are in the woods
Two men are sitting at a bar
A businessman is driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs.
The farmer is taking one pig at a time, holding it up, letting it eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting it down before picking up another pig and letting it eat an apple.
The businessman pulls over, walks up to the farmer and he says,
“Wouldn’t it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?”
And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says,
“What’s time to a pig?”
Two hunters are in the woods
Two men are sitting at a bar
29.
Mom, why am I named Rosemary?”
“Because on the day you were born the cook of the hospital accidentally spilled a little rosemary on your cheek while you were in the incubator .”
Satisfied the girl leaves the room and her brother walks in. “Mom, why is my name Leaf?”
“Because on the day you were born a visitor was carry a bouquet of flowers and one of the leaves fell of and landed on your forehead.”
The satisfied boy left the room and his sister came in the room.
“Mommy, why was I named Lily?”
“Because on the day you were born-“
“Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!”
” KEEP QUIET REAL LIFE MINECRAFT GRAVEL I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER! “
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
A Kurdish man goes to a store
Mom, why am I named Rosemary?”
“Because on the day you were born the cook of the hospital accidentally spilled a little rosemary on your cheek while you were in the incubator .”
Satisfied the girl leaves the room and her brother walks in. “Mom, why is my name Leaf?”
“Because on the day you were born a visitor was carry a bouquet of flowers and one of the leaves fell of and landed on your forehead.”
The satisfied boy left the room and his sister came in the room.
“Mommy, why was I named Lily?”
“Because on the day you were born-“
“Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!”
” KEEP QUIET REAL LIFE MINECRAFT GRAVEL I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER! “
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
A Kurdish man goes to a store
30.
Wife’s Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
The conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.”
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do.
I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary, same day: A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
A child asked his father
Wife had delivered twins
Wife’s Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
The conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.”
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do.
I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary, same day: A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
A child asked his father
Wife had delivered twins
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Eng Jokes