1.
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love,” the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With you!” he said.
“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
A young man asked an old rich man
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love,” the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With you!” he said.
“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
A young man asked an old rich man
2.
An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space, when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”
The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
“Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed straight into his Mercedes.”
The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
A man is skydiving enjoying
A waitress comes to take his order
An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space, when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”
The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
“Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed straight into his Mercedes.”
The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
A man is skydiving enjoying
A waitress comes to take his order
3.
A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says “Plane Rides $5”
The old woman looks at her husband and says “Earl, let’s go up in the plane”
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time.”
And on they went.
Fast forward 3 weeks, same couple same plane.
“Oh Earl let’s do the plane ride today “
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5 , maybe next time.”
The pilot interrupts and says “I’ve seen you two every day for 3 weeks and its always the same so I’ll make you a deal,
if you and your wife can go the whole ride without making a sound, I’ll give you the ride for free.”
Earl looks at Ethel and says “Deal”
And off they went.
They’re up in the plane and haven’t made a sound so the pilot starts pulling out every trick in the book, loops and barrel rolls, nose dives and stalls and still the two dont make a sound.
Defeated the pilot lands and everyone gets out.
“Man I thought for sure I’d have you holler’n doing all them flips and such”
Earl replies “Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out but $5 is $5”.
A young recruit goes to the military office
A girl goes into her father’s study
A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says “Plane Rides $5”
The old woman looks at her husband and says “Earl, let’s go up in the plane”
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time.”
And on they went.
Fast forward 3 weeks, same couple same plane.
“Oh Earl let’s do the plane ride today “
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5 , maybe next time.”
The pilot interrupts and says “I’ve seen you two every day for 3 weeks and its always the same so I’ll make you a deal,
if you and your wife can go the whole ride without making a sound, I’ll give you the ride for free.”
Earl looks at Ethel and says “Deal”
And off they went.
They’re up in the plane and haven’t made a sound so the pilot starts pulling out every trick in the book, loops and barrel rolls, nose dives and stalls and still the two dont make a sound.
Defeated the pilot lands and everyone gets out.
“Man I thought for sure I’d have you holler’n doing all them flips and such”
Earl replies “Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out but $5 is $5”.
A young recruit goes to the military office
A girl goes into her father’s study
4.
A little girl and her mother are at church when the little girl starts to feel sick.
Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
“Yes,” the girl says. “But I didn’t have to go all the way around the back.
There was a box near the front door that said ‘For the Sick.'”
Little Pianist
A 97-Year-Old Man Comes To His Doctor
A little girl and her mother are at church when the little girl starts to feel sick.
Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
“Yes,” the girl says. “But I didn’t have to go all the way around the back.
There was a box near the front door that said ‘For the Sick.'”
Little Pianist
A 97-Year-Old Man Comes To His Doctor
5.
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”
“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”
“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it.
I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”
“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?”
“Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000.
It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.”
“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”
“Oh, no,” the husband replies. “She’s left-handed.”
There was this professional assassin that charged
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”
“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”
“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it.
I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”
“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?”
“Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000.
It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.”
“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”
“Oh, no,” the husband replies. “She’s left-handed.”
There was this professional assassin that charged
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk
6.
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset
when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,
“I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”
Two blondes, Jane and Sarah
There are three friends
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset
when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,
“I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”
Two blondes, Jane and Sarah
There are three friends
7.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was taste it her cone, which one is married?
” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one taste it the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Puppies For Sale
On his first day on the job
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was taste it her cone, which one is married?
” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one taste it the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Puppies For Sale
On his first day on the job
8.
A reverend awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard.
He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
He called the sanitation department, the health department and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.
The mayor asked, “Why bother me? “You’re a clergyman. It’s your job to bury the dead.”
Jack Falls Apart
A few months after his parents were divorced
A reverend awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard.
He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
He called the sanitation department, the health department and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.
The mayor asked, “Why bother me? “You’re a clergyman. It’s your job to bury the dead.”
Jack Falls Apart
A few months after his parents were divorced
9.
A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed.
“But I do have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,…
to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase,
and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,
and the female parrots say,
“Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!
In a school science class four worms
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
“Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed.
“But I do have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots,…
to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase,
and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,
and the female parrots say,
“Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
“Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered !!!
In a school science class four worms
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
10.
A ship was travelling in a dangerous part of the sea.
The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.
The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle.
They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.
A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.
He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates.
They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.
However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles.
He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale.
I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost.
Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.”
A few weeks later, the ship is travelling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.
The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”
On his first day on the job
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
A ship was travelling in a dangerous part of the sea.
The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.
The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle.
They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.
A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.
He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates.
They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.
However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles.
He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale.
I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost.
Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.”
A few weeks later, the ship is travelling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.
The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”
On his first day on the job
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
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11.
There are three friends.
Shut the hell up, Your manners, and Bear Shit.
One day they’re in the woods and bear shit gets lost and your manners looks for him.
Shut the hell up goes to the police station “my friend is missing can you help me?”
The officer says “what’s your name?” “Shut the hell up” “what?” Shut the hell up” “say that again?
” Shut the hell up!” “Son where’s your manners?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! He’s out in the woods looking for bear shit
A soldier girl wrote to break off their engagement
One day a man goes to the beach
There are three friends.
Shut the hell up, Your manners, and Bear Shit.
One day they’re in the woods and bear shit gets lost and your manners looks for him.
Shut the hell up goes to the police station “my friend is missing can you help me?”
The officer says “what’s your name?” “Shut the hell up” “what?” Shut the hell up” “say that again?
” Shut the hell up!” “Son where’s your manners?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! He’s out in the woods looking for bear shit
A soldier girl wrote to break off their engagement
One day a man goes to the beach
12.
A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly…
…they feel a little precipitation.
The man says, “I think it’s raining, we should go back home.”
The woman says, “No, I think it’s snowing.”
The couple argues about this for a few minutes.
The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. “Let’s ask that communist officer.”
So the couple walks over. “Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” says Officer Rudolph.
The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says, “See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
A German officer watches over his outpost
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly…
…they feel a little precipitation.
The man says, “I think it’s raining, we should go back home.”
The woman says, “No, I think it’s snowing.”
The couple argues about this for a few minutes.
The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. “Let’s ask that communist officer.”
So the couple walks over. “Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” says Officer Rudolph.
The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says, “See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
A German officer watches over his outpost
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
13.
One day a man goes to the beach to get a tan, he is wearing no clothes except for a newspaper to cover his privates.
A little girl walk up to him and asks ”What is under the newspaper?”
The man replies ”Oh, that’s my birdy, don’t touch it.”
Soon after, he falls asleep.
When he woke up he realized he was in a hospital and he felt a tense pain in his private area.
He sees the little girl sitting beside his bed.
”What happened?” the man asks ”Oh, uh yeah when you fell asleep I went and played with your birdy but then it spat on me sooo.
I broke it’s neck, smashed it’s eggs and burned it’s nest.
There are three friends
Anna and blonde are walking home
One day a man goes to the beach to get a tan, he is wearing no clothes except for a newspaper to cover his privates.
A little girl walk up to him and asks ”What is under the newspaper?”
The man replies ”Oh, that’s my birdy, don’t touch it.”
Soon after, he falls asleep.
When he woke up he realized he was in a hospital and he felt a tense pain in his private area.
He sees the little girl sitting beside his bed.
”What happened?” the man asks ”Oh, uh yeah when you fell asleep I went and played with your birdy but then it spat on me sooo.
I broke it’s neck, smashed it’s eggs and burned it’s nest.
There are three friends
Anna and blonde are walking home
14.
A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to wash the dust of the road off of him.
He gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment.
He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, pounds the floor with his foot 3 times. All those present stop and stare at him silently.
“Gentlemen,” he says, “my horse is right outside and I need to go to perform my ablutions right now. When I come back, I will go check outside and, if my horse is not there, it will mean everything will have to be just as it was that time when I was in Texas. Don’t let it happen here, hear?”
Without uttering another word, the cowboy walks to the washing room and closes the door.
Every single person in there starts talking among them and asking ‘what was it that happened in Texas?’ non-stop without getting an answer from anybody.
The bartender certainly didn’t know, and it seemed as if nobody had gotten any news yet of what happened in Texas the time the cowboy was there.
The cowboy is taking too long and everybody almost starts panicking and praying for whatever happened in Texas not to happen in there.
They get progressively more agitated each minute that passes.
The fear in that room grows so strong that nobody leaves his seat or wants to do it at all, not even to check if the horse is still outside or if anything happened with the cowboy.
Luckily, the cowboy comes out walking calmly and fixing his belt.
The room gets quiet once again while the cowboy keeps walking towards the exit.
He gets to the door, opens it and takes a step outside to check on his horse. With the room still in silence, the cowboy steps back in and looks around with a face of satisfaction.
“Gentlemen, you did well. My horse is still outside. Keep on drinking in peace. Farewell fellows.”
Everybody in the bar sigh in relief. As the cowboy walks outside and is climbing on his horse, a guy from the bar comes running to him.
“Sir,” the guy says in haste, “you put everybody in the room in deep anxiety for whatever happened in Texas. The tension could be felt in the air as nobody knew what was it that happened over there the time you were in Texas. Sir, please, could you tell me what was it that happened in Texas?”
“Well my horse got stolen,” the cowboy said thoughtfully, “I had to go and buy another one.”
A octopus walks into a bar
He gets into the taxi
A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to wash the dust of the road off of him.
He gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment.
He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, pounds the floor with his foot 3 times. All those present stop and stare at him silently.
“Gentlemen,” he says, “my horse is right outside and I need to go to perform my ablutions right now. When I come back, I will go check outside and, if my horse is not there, it will mean everything will have to be just as it was that time when I was in Texas. Don’t let it happen here, hear?”
Without uttering another word, the cowboy walks to the washing room and closes the door.
Every single person in there starts talking among them and asking ‘what was it that happened in Texas?’ non-stop without getting an answer from anybody.
The bartender certainly didn’t know, and it seemed as if nobody had gotten any news yet of what happened in Texas the time the cowboy was there.
The cowboy is taking too long and everybody almost starts panicking and praying for whatever happened in Texas not to happen in there.
They get progressively more agitated each minute that passes.
The fear in that room grows so strong that nobody leaves his seat or wants to do it at all, not even to check if the horse is still outside or if anything happened with the cowboy.
Luckily, the cowboy comes out walking calmly and fixing his belt.
The room gets quiet once again while the cowboy keeps walking towards the exit.
He gets to the door, opens it and takes a step outside to check on his horse. With the room still in silence, the cowboy steps back in and looks around with a face of satisfaction.
“Gentlemen, you did well. My horse is still outside. Keep on drinking in peace. Farewell fellows.”
Everybody in the bar sigh in relief. As the cowboy walks outside and is climbing on his horse, a guy from the bar comes running to him.
“Sir,” the guy says in haste, “you put everybody in the room in deep anxiety for whatever happened in Texas. The tension could be felt in the air as nobody knew what was it that happened over there the time you were in Texas. Sir, please, could you tell me what was it that happened in Texas?”
“Well my horse got stolen,” the cowboy said thoughtfully, “I had to go and buy another one.”
A octopus walks into a bar
He gets into the taxi
15.
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other.
Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column.
He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event.
He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.
“Brad, are you up yet?” asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, “Yeah, but I’m only now starting my coffee.”
“Brad, open the newspaper to page 31.”
“Why, what’s in the paper?”
“Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!”
“Ok, Ok, I’ve got the paper here, so what’s in page 31?”
“Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!”
“All right, don’t be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what’s on page 31 that’s so important?”
“Brad, look at the bottom of column 4.”
“Why? What’s that story on?”
“Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!”
“OK, OK, I’ll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!”
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues…
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, “So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?”
A nun was walking in the convent
Two polite people having dinner
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other.
Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column.
He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event.
He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.
“Brad, are you up yet?” asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, “Yeah, but I’m only now starting my coffee.”
“Brad, open the newspaper to page 31.”
“Why, what’s in the paper?”
“Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!”
“Ok, Ok, I’ve got the paper here, so what’s in page 31?”
“Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!”
“All right, don’t be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what’s on page 31 that’s so important?”
“Brad, look at the bottom of column 4.”
“Why? What’s that story on?”
“Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!”
“OK, OK, I’ll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!”
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues…
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, “So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?”
A nun was walking in the convent
Two polite people having dinner
16.
An old biker walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The biker is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same biker stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The biker looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised biker looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?!!?
A man and his dog walk into a pub
The old man placed an order
An old biker walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The biker is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same biker stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The biker looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised biker looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?!!?
A man and his dog walk into a pub
The old man placed an order
17.
I have become a victim of a clever scam when using the casino’s car parking facility
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to car as about to get in after leaving the casino.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their melons almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
“No” and instead ask you for a ride to another car parking facility in the city.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start make love with each other.
Then, one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs make love on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday… Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.
Doctor I’m having difficulty falling pregnant
Cop knocks on the window
I have become a victim of a clever scam when using the casino’s car parking facility
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to car as about to get in after leaving the casino.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their melons almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
“No” and instead ask you for a ride to another car parking facility in the city.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start make love with each other.
Then, one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs make love on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday… Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.
Doctor I’m having difficulty falling pregnant
Cop knocks on the window
18.
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.
“Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy.
“I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
A elderly couple were on a cruise
He walked into the kitchen
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.
“Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy.
“I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
A elderly couple were on a cruise
He walked into the kitchen
19.
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that Ask me again some other time.”
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!”
Fred and Mary got married
Two women go out one night
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that Ask me again some other time.”
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!”
Fred and Mary got married
Two women go out one night
20.
The Little Johnny going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him.
“What’s wrong?”
Nervous, the kid asks,
“How long do I have to go to school for?”
“Until you’re 18” says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.
When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says,
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you.”
A old man going to confession
A science teacher asked her students
The Little Johnny going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him.
“What’s wrong?”
Nervous, the kid asks,
“How long do I have to go to school for?”
“Until you’re 18” says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.
When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says,
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you.”
A old man going to confession
A science teacher asked her students
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21.
A boy starts his first day at Walmart.
His trainer says to him “I’ll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it’s done and you can look after the 3rd.”
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says “Can I help you, m’am?” Lady goes “I’m looking for some garden hose.”
Trainer “Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?”
Lady “30ft.”
He takes her to where the hoses are and says “After, can I interest you in a lawn mower?”
“Why would I need a lawn mower?”
“Well you’re going to water your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’ll need a lawnmower for that.”
“Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower.”
The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower.
So the trainer goes to the second customer and says “Can I help you, sir?”
The man says “Yeah, I’m looking for some fertilizer.”
“Sure. 10, 20 or 30 pounds?”
“20″
So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a new lawnmower?”
“Why would I need a lawnmower?”
“Well you’re going to fertilize your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’re going to need a lawnmower.”
“Yeah, actually, I do need a lawnmower”.
The boy at this point is amazed by his trainer’s salesmanship.
So now it’s the boys turn to help a customer.
He goes up to this lady and asks “Is there something I can help you with today?”
“I’m looking for some tampons.”
“Sure, 10, 20 or 30 pack?”
“30 pack”.
So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a lawnmower?”
The lady looks at him confused as says “What on earth would I need a lawnmower for?”
“Well, your weekend’s fucked, might as well cut the grass.”
A man goes to the doctor and says
One night a blonde nun was praying
A boy starts his first day at Walmart.
His trainer says to him “I’ll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it’s done and you can look after the 3rd.”
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says “Can I help you, m’am?” Lady goes “I’m looking for some garden hose.”
Trainer “Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?”
Lady “30ft.”
He takes her to where the hoses are and says “After, can I interest you in a lawn mower?”
“Why would I need a lawn mower?”
“Well you’re going to water your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’ll need a lawnmower for that.”
“Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower.”
The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower.
So the trainer goes to the second customer and says “Can I help you, sir?”
The man says “Yeah, I’m looking for some fertilizer.”
“Sure. 10, 20 or 30 pounds?”
“20″
So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a new lawnmower?”
“Why would I need a lawnmower?”
“Well you’re going to fertilize your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’re going to need a lawnmower.”
“Yeah, actually, I do need a lawnmower”.
The boy at this point is amazed by his trainer’s salesmanship.
So now it’s the boys turn to help a customer.
He goes up to this lady and asks “Is there something I can help you with today?”
“I’m looking for some tampons.”
“Sure, 10, 20 or 30 pack?”
“30 pack”.
So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a lawnmower?”
The lady looks at him confused as says “What on earth would I need a lawnmower for?”
“Well, your weekend’s fucked, might as well cut the grass.”
A man goes to the doctor and says
One night a blonde nun was praying
22.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.
‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep.
‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pena Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
The bank robber
Two Elderly Nuns Dulce And Andrea
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.
‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep.
‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pena Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
The bank robber
Two Elderly Nuns Dulce And Andrea
23.
The young couple admired the scarecrow they saw along the road.
“Look at that,” said the girl.
“Not a crow in sight.”
The boy looked at the scarecrow and said, “Good job scarecrow!”
To their surprise the scarecrow replied.
“Hay, it’s in my jeans.”
A teacher asked her students
Two older women were fussing
The young couple admired the scarecrow they saw along the road.
“Look at that,” said the girl.
“Not a crow in sight.”
The boy looked at the scarecrow and said, “Good job scarecrow!”
To their surprise the scarecrow replied.
“Hay, it’s in my jeans.”
A teacher asked her students
Two older women were fussing
24.
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
A man brings his best buddy home
Two elderly women were out driving
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
A man brings his best buddy home
Two elderly women were out driving
25.
Two men were talking about a friend.
Who had recently passed away.
“By the time Jack died, he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm.”
“Where did they bury him?'”
“They didn’t bury him — he was recycled!”
Johnny Big Head
Dead Donkey
Two men were talking about a friend.
Who had recently passed away.
“By the time Jack died, he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm.”
“Where did they bury him?'”
“They didn’t bury him — he was recycled!”
Johnny Big Head
Dead Donkey
26.
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
27.
A old lady was walking her dog around a lake on a cold winter morning and the lake was still frozen.
All of a sudden, her little dog spotted a duck that was walking on the ice and ran out onto the frozen lake to try and catch it.
The dog ended up falling through the thin ice, fell into the freezing water and the old lady started to scream for help.
“Help, help, my dog has fallen into the lake”, she cried out in a state of hysteria.
Watching all this commotion was a German student, who had been jogging around the park.
He sprinted over to the lady and asked, “Vot is zee matter viv your dog, can I za help?”
“Oh yes please,” the old lady said.
“My dog is in the water over there” and she pointed out to the lake, where how pet pooch was thrashing about in the water, struggling to stay afloat.
So, the brave German jogger, without hesitation, waded into the near-freezing water of the lake, saved the dog and placed it on the grass beside the old lady.
“Oh you are so kind”, the old lady said,
“Are you a vet?”
“VET!”, replied the German jogger.
“VET! I’m soaked!”
A teenager has a crush on a girl
Two men were golfing
A old lady was walking her dog around a lake on a cold winter morning and the lake was still frozen.
All of a sudden, her little dog spotted a duck that was walking on the ice and ran out onto the frozen lake to try and catch it.
The dog ended up falling through the thin ice, fell into the freezing water and the old lady started to scream for help.
“Help, help, my dog has fallen into the lake”, she cried out in a state of hysteria.
Watching all this commotion was a German student, who had been jogging around the park.
He sprinted over to the lady and asked, “Vot is zee matter viv your dog, can I za help?”
“Oh yes please,” the old lady said.
“My dog is in the water over there” and she pointed out to the lake, where how pet pooch was thrashing about in the water, struggling to stay afloat.
So, the brave German jogger, without hesitation, waded into the near-freezing water of the lake, saved the dog and placed it on the grass beside the old lady.
“Oh you are so kind”, the old lady said,
“Are you a vet?”
“VET!”, replied the German jogger.
“VET! I’m soaked!”
A teenager has a crush on a girl
Two men were golfing
28.
The husband called the wife on the phone and said,
“Today I will bring dinner from the Second Wife”.
He came home and knocked.
And was knocked out!
He is in hospital now…
Actually, Second Wife is the name of a restaurant.
A police car pulled up in front of grandma
A woman a wakes during the night
The husband called the wife on the phone and said,
“Today I will bring dinner from the Second Wife”.
He came home and knocked.
And was knocked out!
He is in hospital now…
Actually, Second Wife is the name of a restaurant.
A police car pulled up in front of grandma
A woman a wakes during the night
29.
A blonde named Anna had a near death experience.
The other day when she went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control.
She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup.
When this happened, she fell head first to the ground.
Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousnes
the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.
After a long night of making love
A recently married couple are in bed
A blonde named Anna had a near death experience.
The other day when she went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control.
She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup.
When this happened, she fell head first to the ground.
Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousnes
the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.
After a long night of making love
A recently married couple are in bed
30.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says.
He’s never been with a call girl before, but he decides what the hell.
They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it’s a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”
So my mom decided to sell her house
Three Engineers are Discussing God
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says.
He’s never been with a call girl before, but he decides what the hell.
They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it’s a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”
So my mom decided to sell her house
Three Engineers are Discussing God
Tags:
Eng Jokes