1.
3 nuns go to mother superior and say they don’t want to be nuns anymore.
Mother superior says “Ok but you have to go and do something unholy.”
The next day, the first nun goes to mother superior and says “I stole a kids bike!”
Mother superior replies “Ok, that is un-holy. Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The second nun goes and says “I slept with a married man!” Mother superior replies,
“That is unholy enough.
Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The third nun goes up to mother superior and says
“Mother superior, Mother superior!” “Yes?” Replies Mother superior.
“What have you done for your unholy act “I pissed in the holy water!”
A girl goes into her father’s study
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
3 nuns go to mother superior and say they don’t want to be nuns anymore.
Mother superior says “Ok but you have to go and do something unholy.”
The next day, the first nun goes to mother superior and says “I stole a kids bike!”
Mother superior replies “Ok, that is un-holy. Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The second nun goes and says “I slept with a married man!” Mother superior replies,
“That is unholy enough.
Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The third nun goes up to mother superior and says
“Mother superior, Mother superior!” “Yes?” Replies Mother superior.
“What have you done for your unholy act “I pissed in the holy water!”
A girl goes into her father’s study
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
2.
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.
Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,
“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”
Uncle Bob grins and says,
“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”
A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,
“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.
Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,
“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”
Uncle Bob grins and says,
“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”
A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,
“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk
3.
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.
“Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy.
“I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
A elderly couple were on a cruise
He walked into the kitchen
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.
“Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy.
“I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
A elderly couple were on a cruise
He walked into the kitchen
4.
“A 24 year old boy seeing out from the train’s window shouted…
Dad smiled and a young couple sitting nearby, looked at the 24 year old’s childish behavior with pity, suddenly he again exclaimed.
‘Dad, look the clouds are running with us!’
The couple couldn’t resist and said to the old man…
‘Why don’t you take your son to a good doctor?’
The old man smiled and said…’I did and we are just coming from the hospital, my son was blind from birth, he just got his eyes today.’
Every single person on the planet has a story, Don’t judge people before you truly know them.
The truth might surprise you.”
The priest got a brilliant idea
Frank was excited about his new rifle
“A 24 year old boy seeing out from the train’s window shouted…
Dad smiled and a young couple sitting nearby, looked at the 24 year old’s childish behavior with pity, suddenly he again exclaimed.
‘Dad, look the clouds are running with us!’
The couple couldn’t resist and said to the old man…
‘Why don’t you take your son to a good doctor?’
The old man smiled and said…’I did and we are just coming from the hospital, my son was blind from birth, he just got his eyes today.’
Every single person on the planet has a story, Don’t judge people before you truly know them.
The truth might surprise you.”
The priest got a brilliant idea
Frank was excited about his new rifle
5.
Two men are drinking in a bar.
One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.”
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, you’re on.”
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
So the second man has to pay.
Awhile later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.”
The second man thinks, well, he can’t have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see.
So he says, “All right, you’re on.”
The first man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
A speeding driver was pulled over
Two men are drinking in a bar.
One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.”
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, you’re on.”
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
So the second man has to pay.
Awhile later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.”
The second man thinks, well, he can’t have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see.
So he says, “All right, you’re on.”
The first man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
A speeding driver was pulled over
6.
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked
7.
A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together.
The shopping center was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was.
In a subdued voice he replied,
“Do you remember that jewellery store we went into a couple of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I promised that I would buy it for you one day?”
Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said,
“Yes, of course I remember that shop.”
“Well, I’m in the pub next door to there.”
Two elderly people living in a Florida
A guy walks into a drug store
A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together.
The shopping center was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was.
In a subdued voice he replied,
“Do you remember that jewellery store we went into a couple of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I promised that I would buy it for you one day?”
Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said,
“Yes, of course I remember that shop.”
“Well, I’m in the pub next door to there.”
Two elderly people living in a Florida
A guy walks into a drug store
8.
Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat.
You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well.
I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him.
I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it.
Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel.
I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes that chicken was delicious.”
The boss of a big company needed to call
I think my wife is having a affair
Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat.
You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well.
I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him.
I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it.
Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel.
I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes that chicken was delicious.”
The boss of a big company needed to call
I think my wife is having a affair
9.
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
A wealthy old lady decides to photo safari in Africa
A man and a friend are playing golf
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
A wealthy old lady decides to photo safari in Africa
A man and a friend are playing golf
10.
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”
His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”
He says, “Do I complain when you go out and buy a new corset?”
This elderly couple is watching television
A woman is bouncing on her bed
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”
His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”
He says, “Do I complain when you go out and buy a new corset?”
This elderly couple is watching television
A woman is bouncing on her bed
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11.
Three guys are on a plane, ones black, ones white, and ones Mexican.
The pilot says: “there’s to much weight you all need to throw something off the plane.”
The black guy throws his Jordan’s and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
The Mexican throws off his lawn mower and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
The white guys throws the Mexican and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
A little girl and a little boy
During lunch at work last week
Three guys are on a plane, ones black, ones white, and ones Mexican.
The pilot says: “there’s to much weight you all need to throw something off the plane.”
The black guy throws his Jordan’s and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
The Mexican throws off his lawn mower and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
The white guys throws the Mexican and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
A little girl and a little boy
During lunch at work last week
12.
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.
They made a decision, one day to make it,..
“yesterday once more”.
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.
The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning,
dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise,
waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger.
He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
“Why didn’t you come to our date?”
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly
“Mom didn’t allow me to go…”
An elderly, faithful man died
A group of racist Americans
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.
They made a decision, one day to make it,..
“yesterday once more”.
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.
The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning,
dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise,
waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger.
He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
“Why didn’t you come to our date?”
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly
“Mom didn’t allow me to go…”
An elderly, faithful man died
A group of racist Americans
13.
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day.
So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts.
So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A kid asks his father
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day.
So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts.
So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A kid asks his father
14.
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase.
The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.”
That didn’t work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.”
Still no success.
So, he said, “Look let’s both get on top.”
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said:
“Zoo or no zoo, I just gotta see this.”
The pastor always said
Who You Are Makes A Difference
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase.
The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.”
That didn’t work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.”
Still no success.
So, he said, “Look let’s both get on top.”
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said:
“Zoo or no zoo, I just gotta see this.”
The pastor always said
Who You Are Makes A Difference
15.
A beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks at a bar
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is
He can’t believe his luck
“You know,” he said, “You are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies,
“You just happened to catch my eye.”
When asked what the problem
A school teacher
A beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks at a bar
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is
He can’t believe his luck
“You know,” he said, “You are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies,
“You just happened to catch my eye.”
When asked what the problem
A school teacher
16.
The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.
My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband’s help.
When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes.
He was in the bedroom with our neighbor’s daughter.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19 we have been married for 10 years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months.
He won’t go to counselling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, John.
A frail old man went to live
The Sick Lion & The Fox
The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.
My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband’s help.
When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes.
He was in the bedroom with our neighbor’s daughter.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19 we have been married for 10 years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months.
He won’t go to counselling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, John.
A frail old man went to live
The Sick Lion & The Fox
17.
Queensland farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.” Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, history, and Logic
“Logic?” Jim says.
“What’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you own a whipper snipper?”
“Yeah.”
“Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says.
“Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“Yes, I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet
Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heteros..ual.”
“I am a heteros..ual
That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a whipper snipper.”
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”
Jim says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you have a whipper snipper?” “No.” “Then you’re a poofter.”
Hodja had a dream
A dog ran into a butcher shop
Queensland farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.” Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, history, and Logic
“Logic?” Jim says.
“What’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you own a whipper snipper?”
“Yeah.”
“Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says.
“Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“Yes, I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet
Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heteros..ual.”
“I am a heteros..ual
That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a whipper snipper.”
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”
Jim says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you have a whipper snipper?” “No.” “Then you’re a poofter.”
Hodja had a dream
A dog ran into a butcher shop
18.
An old woman had 3 daughters.
One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same.
But that guy didn’t respond to her cries for help and didnt move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings…
“Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law.!!!”
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
Tax his land, tax his wage
An old woman had 3 daughters.
One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same.
But that guy didn’t respond to her cries for help and didnt move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings…
“Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law.!!!”
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
Tax his land, tax his wage
19.
Three men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Ken-obi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap.
He mind controls his candy to mark it a h*le-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the h*le.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!”
A man died and went to straight
A father buys a lie detector robot
Three men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Ken-obi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap.
He mind controls his candy to mark it a h*le-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the h*le.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!”
A man died and went to straight
A father buys a lie detector robot
20.
A blonde was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the blonde complained to the doctor that they didn’t produce the desired results.
“Have you been taking them regularly?” the doctor asked.
“What do you think I’ve been doing,” the blonde said, “Shoving them up my bum?”
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
Two man decide to go duck hunting
A blonde was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the blonde complained to the doctor that they didn’t produce the desired results.
“Have you been taking them regularly?” the doctor asked.
“What do you think I’ve been doing,” the blonde said, “Shoving them up my bum?”
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
Two man decide to go duck hunting
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21.
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.
The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”
“Yes” says the man.
“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”
“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application.
“At least I’m not a quitter.”
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
A couple had been married for 45 years
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.
The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”
“Yes” says the man.
“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”
“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application.
“At least I’m not a quitter.”
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
A couple had been married for 45 years
22.
An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“10” replies the blonde girl.
“10???” says the council worker.. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the blonde girl “its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the girl… “I just use their surnames”
A elderly woman went into the doctor
The doctor came out and said
An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“10” replies the blonde girl.
“10???” says the council worker.. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the blonde girl “its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the girl… “I just use their surnames”
A elderly woman went into the doctor
The doctor came out and said
23.
So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.
A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up.
“Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”
He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.
“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squints warily at it.
“This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.
“Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!”
He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
He watched as old lady boarded
John Sam and Abe three retired friends
So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.
A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up.
“Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”
He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.
“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squints warily at it.
“This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.
“Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!”
He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
He watched as old lady boarded
John Sam and Abe three retired friends
24.
A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.
He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details.
Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?
Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games.
Good monkey, it’s worth the money.
He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant.
“What does this monkey know?”
“It knows Linux, Unix, Co rel and Auto-cad.”
“Nice, even I don’t know those things.”
On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$.
The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details.
“And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?”
“I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!”
A security guard has a dream
The bank robber
A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.
He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details.
Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?
Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games.
Good monkey, it’s worth the money.
He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant.
“What does this monkey know?”
“It knows Linux, Unix, Co rel and Auto-cad.”
“Nice, even I don’t know those things.”
On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$.
The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details.
“And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?”
“I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!”
A security guard has a dream
The bank robber
25.
The first surgeon said, “I like operating on librarians, when you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order”.
The second surgeon said, “I like operating on accountants, when you open them up, everything is numbered and organized.”
The third surgeon said, “I like operating on electricians, when you open them up, everything is color-coded.”
The fourth surgeon said, “No no, operating on politicians is clearly the best, and also really easy.”
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief, One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, “Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their a and head are interchangeable.”
A direct line to heaven
A Lion angrily to a Gnat
The first surgeon said, “I like operating on librarians, when you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order”.
The second surgeon said, “I like operating on accountants, when you open them up, everything is numbered and organized.”
The third surgeon said, “I like operating on electricians, when you open them up, everything is color-coded.”
The fourth surgeon said, “No no, operating on politicians is clearly the best, and also really easy.”
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief, One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, “Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their a and head are interchangeable.”
A direct line to heaven
A Lion angrily to a Gnat
26.
A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking.
The wife asked her husband, “Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?”
The husband thought for a moment and then said, “Well, yes I think I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought.
Then, after a while she said, “Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?”
“Well honey, I guess I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this either.
She spent a little more time in thought while they continued their drive and then said,
“Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my handbags?”
The husband paused for a moment and then said, “Well sure, I think I would.”
The wife was again a little dismayed with this and spent a little more time in thought.
Then she said to her husband, “Honey if I were to die and you were to get married again would you give your new wife my golf clubs?”
“No,” he said, “she’s left-handed.”
A man working in an IT company
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking.
The wife asked her husband, “Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?”
The husband thought for a moment and then said, “Well, yes I think I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought.
Then, after a while she said, “Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?”
“Well honey, I guess I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this either.
She spent a little more time in thought while they continued their drive and then said,
“Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my handbags?”
The husband paused for a moment and then said, “Well sure, I think I would.”
The wife was again a little dismayed with this and spent a little more time in thought.
Then she said to her husband, “Honey if I were to die and you were to get married again would you give your new wife my golf clubs?”
“No,” he said, “she’s left-handed.”
A man working in an IT company
A man and his wife enter a dentist
27.
A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop
A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop
28.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
The old lady was standing at the railing
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
The old lady was standing at the railing
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
29.
Two old couples got together to reminiscent about the old times and laugh about life.
One of the gentlemen, Harold, started raving about this great restaurant he and his wife visited not too long ago.
“Really?” The other old man asked.
“What was the name of this place?”
Harold thought for a second before asking, “what do you call those flowers that smell really good?”
“Which ones?” The other guy asked. “Daisy?”
“No, that’s not it.”
“Tulip?”
“No, that doesn’t sound right either.”
“Rose?”
“Yes!” Harold snapped his fingers.
“That’s it!” Harold turns to his wife and asked, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
A man walks into a bar
He tells his doctor of his concern
Two old couples got together to reminiscent about the old times and laugh about life.
One of the gentlemen, Harold, started raving about this great restaurant he and his wife visited not too long ago.
“Really?” The other old man asked.
“What was the name of this place?”
Harold thought for a second before asking, “what do you call those flowers that smell really good?”
“Which ones?” The other guy asked. “Daisy?”
“No, that’s not it.”
“Tulip?”
“No, that doesn’t sound right either.”
“Rose?”
“Yes!” Harold snapped his fingers.
“That’s it!” Harold turns to his wife and asked, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
A man walks into a bar
He tells his doctor of his concern
30.
A man visited the doctor.
“Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time.”
“Please undress so I can examine you,” said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.
“My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!” yelled the man.
The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
A man went to his doctor and told
A man visited the doctor.
“Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time.”
“Please undress so I can examine you,” said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.
“My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!” yelled the man.
The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
A man went to his doctor and told
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Eng Jokes