1.
A Chinese walks into a bar in Hollywood late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, you’re all the same.”
He lies dying on the sidewalk
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
A Chinese walks into a bar in Hollywood late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, you’re all the same.”
He lies dying on the sidewalk
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
2.
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day.
They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee.
The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water.
To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club.
The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green.
The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water.
The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.
The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink.
As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth.
At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft.
As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree.
When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole…
Moses turns to Jesus and says “You know, I hate golfing with your Father.”
A blonde and a Lawyer on an airplane
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day.
They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee.
The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water.
To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club.
The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green.
The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water.
The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.
The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink.
As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth.
At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft.
As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree.
When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole…
Moses turns to Jesus and says “You know, I hate golfing with your Father.”
A blonde and a Lawyer on an airplane
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
3.
Nurse: “Do you have siblings?”
Me: “Yes, a younger brother.”
Nurse: “Does he have any medical issues?”
Me: “He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight.”
Nurse: “Oh, okay. Anything else?”
Me: “He’s battling hemorrhoids.”
Nurse: “I’m sure he’ll be interested to know that’s now in your medical chart.”
Me: “I doubt it, he sent me and folks he works with a photo.”
Me: “Do you want to include the photo in my chart?”
Nurse; “No, that’s not necessary.”
Nurse: “Is your father still alive?”
Me: “Nope, he died in 2008.”
Nurse: “What happened to him?”
Me: “Drove off an embankment and plunged into a river 50 feet below.”
Nurse: “That sounds dreadful.”
Me: “Coroner said he died peacefully in his sleep.
It wasn’t so peaceful for the other three people in the car with him though.”
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
On the outskirts of a small town
Nurse: “Do you have siblings?”
Me: “Yes, a younger brother.”
Nurse: “Does he have any medical issues?”
Me: “He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight.”
Nurse: “Oh, okay. Anything else?”
Me: “He’s battling hemorrhoids.”
Nurse: “I’m sure he’ll be interested to know that’s now in your medical chart.”
Me: “I doubt it, he sent me and folks he works with a photo.”
Me: “Do you want to include the photo in my chart?”
Nurse; “No, that’s not necessary.”
Nurse: “Is your father still alive?”
Me: “Nope, he died in 2008.”
Nurse: “What happened to him?”
Me: “Drove off an embankment and plunged into a river 50 feet below.”
Nurse: “That sounds dreadful.”
Me: “Coroner said he died peacefully in his sleep.
It wasn’t so peaceful for the other three people in the car with him though.”
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
On the outskirts of a small town
4.
An elderly couple was having breakfast one fine morning.
When the wife ask her husband, “Are you going to marry right after I die?”
What a depressing question? Here we are enjoying this beautiful morning and you bring up this grieving question.
That night, she asked that question again and for the following 3 days she keeps bopping that question and so he finally said “yes, are you satisfied ? “
And she said, are you going to sell the house? he said, no!
Are you going to sell our bed? Why no!
Are you going to let her have my golf clubs?
He said, “No I don’t think so, she is left-handed.”
A wife asks her programmer husband
A young couple came into the church office
An elderly couple was having breakfast one fine morning.
When the wife ask her husband, “Are you going to marry right after I die?”
What a depressing question? Here we are enjoying this beautiful morning and you bring up this grieving question.
That night, she asked that question again and for the following 3 days she keeps bopping that question and so he finally said “yes, are you satisfied ? “
And she said, are you going to sell the house? he said, no!
Are you going to sell our bed? Why no!
Are you going to let her have my golf clubs?
He said, “No I don’t think so, she is left-handed.”
A wife asks her programmer husband
A young couple came into the church office
5.
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, “I’m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!”
The second says, “Well I’m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!”
Then the third rat gets up and says, “Later guys, I’m off home to harass the cat.”
A third grade teacher asked her students
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, “I’m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!”
The second says, “Well I’m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!”
Then the third rat gets up and says, “Later guys, I’m off home to harass the cat.”
A third grade teacher asked her students
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer
6.
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her.
If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again.
Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
A drunk was sitting in a bar
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her.
If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again.
Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
A drunk was sitting in a bar
7.
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket and Paddy says, “Hey, man! How have you been?”
“Oh, great,” says Murphy
“I have recently bought an elephant.”
“An elephant? Are you serious?” asks Paddy.
“Yeah, man
The kids love him, he’s their best friend
They call him Mr Trunks
He washes my car with his trunk
I don’t need to cut my lawn anymore, he grazes down all the grass
Such low maintenance
My wife is so happy.”
“Oh man, that sounds amazing
I wish I had an elephant.” says Paddy.
“Whatd’ya know, he’s for sale
I got him for 30 grand but seeing it’s you, you can have him for 20.”
“Excellent, it’s a deal.”
Weeks go by and they meet again.
“Hey man, how are you doing?”
“What the hell is wrong with that bast..
elephant?? He sh..
all over my garden, I spend hours every day shovelling! The kids are terrified of him, and my wife is divorcing me!”
“Aww, that’s not a nice way to talk about Mr Trunks
You won’t be able to sell him that way!”
Three old men were sitting on a bench
The boy had nails into the fence
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket and Paddy says, “Hey, man! How have you been?”
“Oh, great,” says Murphy
“I have recently bought an elephant.”
“An elephant? Are you serious?” asks Paddy.
“Yeah, man
The kids love him, he’s their best friend
They call him Mr Trunks
He washes my car with his trunk
I don’t need to cut my lawn anymore, he grazes down all the grass
Such low maintenance
My wife is so happy.”
“Oh man, that sounds amazing
I wish I had an elephant.” says Paddy.
“Whatd’ya know, he’s for sale
I got him for 30 grand but seeing it’s you, you can have him for 20.”
“Excellent, it’s a deal.”
Weeks go by and they meet again.
“Hey man, how are you doing?”
“What the hell is wrong with that bast..
elephant?? He sh..
all over my garden, I spend hours every day shovelling! The kids are terrified of him, and my wife is divorcing me!”
“Aww, that’s not a nice way to talk about Mr Trunks
You won’t be able to sell him that way!”
Three old men were sitting on a bench
The boy had nails into the fence
8.
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underclothes and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underclothes,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underclothes and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underclothes,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
9.
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
A woman stood up at a local pub
A guy walks into a bar
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
A woman stood up at a local pub
A guy walks into a bar
10.
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.”
the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.
“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.
The girl insists, so he starts to search the room
He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains
When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc.
“Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscr*ws the disc from the floor.
The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room.
“You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing.
Angry and confused, the man asks, “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?! ARE YOU USING LISTENING DEVICES TO TRACK EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING OR SOMETHING?!?!”
The clerk replies,
“Not at all
It’s just that the entire chandelier on the floor below your room came down.”
I forgot my teeth
A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.”
the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.
“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.
The girl insists, so he starts to search the room
He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains
When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc.
“Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscr*ws the disc from the floor.
The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room.
“You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing.
Angry and confused, the man asks, “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?! ARE YOU USING LISTENING DEVICES TO TRACK EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING OR SOMETHING?!?!”
The clerk replies,
“Not at all
It’s just that the entire chandelier on the floor below your room came down.”
I forgot my teeth
A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk
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11.
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom.
Mother is on top of father.
Suddenly the son enters the bedroom.
Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says,
“I’ll tell you about what you saw yesterday, you know Dad has a big belly and that’s why mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat.” .
Says that little boy: “But mama, that does not make any difference.”
“Oh no?” the mom asks. “
No,” says the little boy,
“When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!”
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
2 couples were playing a round of poker
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom.
Mother is on top of father.
Suddenly the son enters the bedroom.
Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says,
“I’ll tell you about what you saw yesterday, you know Dad has a big belly and that’s why mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat.” .
Says that little boy: “But mama, that does not make any difference.”
“Oh no?” the mom asks. “
No,” says the little boy,
“When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!”
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
2 couples were playing a round of poker
12.
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days.
This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she’s been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
“How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”
A woman finds magic lamp
The old lady handed her bank card
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days.
This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she’s been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
“How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”
A woman finds magic lamp
The old lady handed her bank card
13.
Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.
“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,
“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”
“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”
Alan said, “It’s not his fault.”
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper
A sweet old lady telephoned
Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.
“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,
“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”
“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”
Alan said, “It’s not his fault.”
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper
A sweet old lady telephoned
14.
A boss says to his secretary, “we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons.”
The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover, “my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together.”
The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson, “i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson.”
The child makes call to his grandpa “grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.”
Then grandpa makes call to his secretary “my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”
The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”
The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes as usual this week.”
The little boy makes a call to his grandfather, “Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”
The grandpa makes a call to his secretary, “Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
Three women friends met for drinks after work
A boss says to his secretary, “we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons.”
The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover, “my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together.”
The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson, “i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson.”
The child makes call to his grandpa “grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.”
Then grandpa makes call to his secretary “my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”
The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”
The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes as usual this week.”
The little boy makes a call to his grandfather, “Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”
The grandpa makes a call to his secretary, “Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
Three women friends met for drinks after work
15.
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
A farmer buys a young rooster
Two guys are walking through a game park
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
A farmer buys a young rooster
Two guys are walking through a game park
16.
The mother specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.
A couple of days later, her daughter realizes that reversed pictures of her mother’s left foot were sent instead.
Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfil her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Island to inform the facility of the mistake.
After a long, arduous search, she finds an unmarked building in the middle of a thick forest.
She rings the doorbell and, after a moment, a pleasant-looking man answers.
“Hello. I’m sorry to bother you, but my recently-deceased mother donated photos of her right foot here,” She says, bringing the correct photos out.
“But it turns out we accidentally sent reversed photos of her left foot.
“Oh, excellent!” the man says, carefully taking the pictures. “Thank you so, so much.
She was a long-time dear friend of the academy, and we are so grateful to honor her memory–“The woman puts her hand up.
“What’s that sound…?”Before he can stop her, the woman pushes past him and rushes into an adjacent room.
There, projected on the wall, is a reversed picture of her mother’s left foot…and a room full of people masturbating.
Enraged, she storms back to find the man sitting in the living room, waiting for her.
“WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON IN THERE?!””Look,” he says. “I think we got off on the wrong foot here.”
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
The mother specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.
A couple of days later, her daughter realizes that reversed pictures of her mother’s left foot were sent instead.
Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfil her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Island to inform the facility of the mistake.
After a long, arduous search, she finds an unmarked building in the middle of a thick forest.
She rings the doorbell and, after a moment, a pleasant-looking man answers.
“Hello. I’m sorry to bother you, but my recently-deceased mother donated photos of her right foot here,” She says, bringing the correct photos out.
“But it turns out we accidentally sent reversed photos of her left foot.
“Oh, excellent!” the man says, carefully taking the pictures. “Thank you so, so much.
She was a long-time dear friend of the academy, and we are so grateful to honor her memory–“The woman puts her hand up.
“What’s that sound…?”Before he can stop her, the woman pushes past him and rushes into an adjacent room.
There, projected on the wall, is a reversed picture of her mother’s left foot…and a room full of people masturbating.
Enraged, she storms back to find the man sitting in the living room, waiting for her.
“WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON IN THERE?!””Look,” he says. “I think we got off on the wrong foot here.”
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
17.
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of this laundry.
Another time, please.”
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good.
I’ve got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
“How about it?” he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped.
“This is the third night in a row you’ve asked.
What are you? Some kind of a bed time maniac?
A young couple with a box
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
18.
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.
The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked.
She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.
All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her.
This took everyone by surprise.
The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”
A doctor had just finished a marathon
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.
The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked.
She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.
All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her.
This took everyone by surprise.
The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”
A doctor had just finished a marathon
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
19.
A Dad and a Son were watching TV downstairs.
The Dads feet started getting cold.
So he sends his Son upstairs to get his slippers.
When he gets to the top he sees two of his sisters friends on her bed.
He then says, “My Dad sent me up here to sleep with you both”.
They then replied with, “No he hasn’t, you’re lying for sure”.
The Son says, “He has and I can prove it,” so he shouts, “DAD, YOU DID SAY BOTH OF THEM, DIDN’T YOU?”.
His Dad then shouts back, “OF COURSE I DID WHATS THE POINT IN BANG ONE.”
The day she won the lottery
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife
A Dad and a Son were watching TV downstairs.
The Dads feet started getting cold.
So he sends his Son upstairs to get his slippers.
When he gets to the top he sees two of his sisters friends on her bed.
He then says, “My Dad sent me up here to sleep with you both”.
They then replied with, “No he hasn’t, you’re lying for sure”.
The Son says, “He has and I can prove it,” so he shouts, “DAD, YOU DID SAY BOTH OF THEM, DIDN’T YOU?”.
His Dad then shouts back, “OF COURSE I DID WHATS THE POINT IN BANG ONE.”
The day she won the lottery
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife
20.
“I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician,” his first friend said, taking a swig of his beer.
“How’s that?” his other friend asked.
“Well, the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed, and they weren’t mine.”
The other men clapped him on his back and told him things would turn out fine.
They ordered another round and kept drinking.
After a while, the other friend said, “You know what, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”
“Really? How’s that?” the first friend asked.
“Well, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
“Man, that taste it!” Paddy and his friend said, and ordered another round of beer.
After taking a sip, Paddy said, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Both his friends stared at him in utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious,” Paddy said, “the other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!”
They get back together to discuss
His new girlfriend demanded
“I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician,” his first friend said, taking a swig of his beer.
“How’s that?” his other friend asked.
“Well, the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed, and they weren’t mine.”
The other men clapped him on his back and told him things would turn out fine.
They ordered another round and kept drinking.
After a while, the other friend said, “You know what, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”
“Really? How’s that?” the first friend asked.
“Well, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
“Man, that taste it!” Paddy and his friend said, and ordered another round of beer.
After taking a sip, Paddy said, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Both his friends stared at him in utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious,” Paddy said, “the other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!”
They get back together to discuss
His new girlfriend demanded
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21.
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed at 3:00 am when he heard an urgent knocking at the door.
Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he made his way to the door.
Can you give me a push, asked the man at the door.
Jeff looked at the man, thinking he looked a bit drunk, slammed the door in his face and went back to bed.
Shame on you, said his wife Sally, when hearing the story.
You remember on our vacation how our car got stuck in the middle of the night and that man helped us, go out there and push his car.
So Jeff trudges back out of bed, opens the door, and calls out OK I’m here to give you a push, where are you?I’m over here in the back came the voice on the swing.
A drunk phoned the local police
Jerry was in the hospital recovering
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed at 3:00 am when he heard an urgent knocking at the door.
Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he made his way to the door.
Can you give me a push, asked the man at the door.
Jeff looked at the man, thinking he looked a bit drunk, slammed the door in his face and went back to bed.
Shame on you, said his wife Sally, when hearing the story.
You remember on our vacation how our car got stuck in the middle of the night and that man helped us, go out there and push his car.
So Jeff trudges back out of bed, opens the door, and calls out OK I’m here to give you a push, where are you?I’m over here in the back came the voice on the swing.
A drunk phoned the local police
Jerry was in the hospital recovering
22.
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
23.
A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn’t open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel.
It only has one room available.
The priest says:
“Sister, I don’t think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room.
I’ll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed.”
“I think that would be fine,” agrees the nun.
They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says:
“Father, I’m very cold.”
“OK,” says the priest,
“I’ll get a blanket from the cupboard.”
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again:
“Father, I’m still terribly cold.”
The priest says: “Don’t worry, I’ll get up and fetch you another blanket.”
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly:
“Father I’m still very cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night.”
“You’re right,” says the priest.
“Get your own blankets.”
The Scotsman’s first baseball game
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter
A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn’t open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel.
It only has one room available.
The priest says:
“Sister, I don’t think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room.
I’ll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed.”
“I think that would be fine,” agrees the nun.
They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says:
“Father, I’m very cold.”
“OK,” says the priest,
“I’ll get a blanket from the cupboard.”
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again:
“Father, I’m still terribly cold.”
The priest says: “Don’t worry, I’ll get up and fetch you another blanket.”
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly:
“Father I’m still very cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night.”
“You’re right,” says the priest.
“Get your own blankets.”
The Scotsman’s first baseball game
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter
24.
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
The owner of a golf course was confused
A old lady goes to her bank
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
The owner of a golf course was confused
A old lady goes to her bank
25.
Many years ago in a poor Chinese village, there lived a peasant with his son
His only material possession, apart from some land and a small straw hut, was a horse he had inherited from his father.
One day, the horse ran off, leaving the man with no animal with which to till the land.
His neighbors – who respected him greatly for his honesty and diligence – came to his house to say how much they regretted what had happened
He thanked them for their visit, but asked:
– How can you know that what has happened has been a misfortune in my life?
Someone mumbled to a friend: “he can’t accept reality, let him think what he wants, as long as he isn’t saddened by what happened.”
And the neighbors went off, pretending to agree with what they had heard.
A week later, the horse returned to the stable, but it was not alone; it brought with it a fine mare for company.
Upon hearing this, the villagers – who were flustered since they now understood the answer the man had given them – returned to the peasant’s house, in order to congratulate him on his good fortune.
– Before you had only one horse, and now you have two
Congratulations! – they said.
– Many thanks for your visit and for all your concern – answered the peasant
– But how can you know that what has happened has been a blessing in my life?
Disconcerted, and thinking he must be going mad, the neighbors went off, and on the way commented: “does he really not understand that God has sent him a gift?”
A month later, the peasant’s son decided to tame the mare
But the animal unexpectedly reared up and the boy fell and broke his leg.
The neighbors returned to the peasant’s house – bringing gifts for the wounded boy
The mayor of the village offered his condolences to the father, saying that all were very sad at what had happened.
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons
Jean was out walking with grandfather
Many years ago in a poor Chinese village, there lived a peasant with his son
His only material possession, apart from some land and a small straw hut, was a horse he had inherited from his father.
One day, the horse ran off, leaving the man with no animal with which to till the land.
His neighbors – who respected him greatly for his honesty and diligence – came to his house to say how much they regretted what had happened
He thanked them for their visit, but asked:
– How can you know that what has happened has been a misfortune in my life?
Someone mumbled to a friend: “he can’t accept reality, let him think what he wants, as long as he isn’t saddened by what happened.”
And the neighbors went off, pretending to agree with what they had heard.
A week later, the horse returned to the stable, but it was not alone; it brought with it a fine mare for company.
Upon hearing this, the villagers – who were flustered since they now understood the answer the man had given them – returned to the peasant’s house, in order to congratulate him on his good fortune.
– Before you had only one horse, and now you have two
Congratulations! – they said.
– Many thanks for your visit and for all your concern – answered the peasant
– But how can you know that what has happened has been a blessing in my life?
Disconcerted, and thinking he must be going mad, the neighbors went off, and on the way commented: “does he really not understand that God has sent him a gift?”
A month later, the peasant’s son decided to tame the mare
But the animal unexpectedly reared up and the boy fell and broke his leg.
The neighbors returned to the peasant’s house – bringing gifts for the wounded boy
The mayor of the village offered his condolences to the father, saying that all were very sad at what had happened.
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons
Jean was out walking with grandfather
26.
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man,
tossed his trousers to his new bride and said:
“Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband,
“and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the one who wears the trousers in this relationship.”
With that she flipped him her knickers and said:
“Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said.
“I can’t get into your knickers!”
She replied:
“That’s right… and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
Two women were playing golf
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man,
tossed his trousers to his new bride and said:
“Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband,
“and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the one who wears the trousers in this relationship.”
With that she flipped him her knickers and said:
“Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said.
“I can’t get into your knickers!”
She replied:
“That’s right… and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
Two women were playing golf
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines
27.
A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop
A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop
28.
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.
When I slipped a shoe onto one woman’s foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.
For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
“Look, Martha,” her friend said. “he wants to go home with you!”
A man walked into a bar and ordered
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.
When I slipped a shoe onto one woman’s foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.
For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
“Look, Martha,” her friend said. “he wants to go home with you!”
A man walked into a bar and ordered
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
29.
A typical tough-guy husband marries a beautiful, easygoing woman.
After the wedding, he lays down the law:
“I’ll come home whenever I want, stay out as late as I like, and I expect no complaints from you. Dinner should be ready unless I say I won’t be home.
I’ll go out hunting, fishing, drinking, and playing cards with my friends whenever I please, and I expect no push back. Those are my rules. Any questions?”
His new wife responds with a smile, “No problem! Just know that every night at seven, there will be make love here whether you’re home or not.”
A elderly couple was attending church
A little girl was sitting and watching her mother
A typical tough-guy husband marries a beautiful, easygoing woman.
After the wedding, he lays down the law:
“I’ll come home whenever I want, stay out as late as I like, and I expect no complaints from you. Dinner should be ready unless I say I won’t be home.
I’ll go out hunting, fishing, drinking, and playing cards with my friends whenever I please, and I expect no push back. Those are my rules. Any questions?”
His new wife responds with a smile, “No problem! Just know that every night at seven, there will be make love here whether you’re home or not.”
A elderly couple was attending church
A little girl was sitting and watching her mother
30.
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer.
Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer.
Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper
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Eng Jokes